Dave sings his socio-political ditty, “Deep in the Heart of Dallas.”
Song originally aired July 9, 2016, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode
All content (c)2016 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
DEEP IN THE HEART OF DALLAS
Oh the moon shone bright on a hot July night
Deep in the heart of Dallas
The crowd turned out to holler and shout
Deep in the heart of Dallas
They came in peace to protest police
Deep in the heart of Dallas
`Cause if you’re brown, you’ll get shot down
Pretty much anywhere, not just Dallas
Baton Rouge’s best shot a black in the chest
Deep in Louisiana
The gun was in his pocket, but the cops just said, “aw, fuck it!”
Deep in Louisiana
A few hours later in St. Paul, Minnesater
A guy and gal were drivin’
A zealous cop made them come to a stop
They thought that he was jivin’
The fuzz did shout, “Your taillight is out!
Let’s see your registration.”
He meant no harm, but he shot up the guy’s arm.
Which caused some consternation.
With two blacks dead all the people said,
“Out in the streets we’ll gather,
We’ll show the fuzz what a movement does:
Hashtag – Black Lives Matter.”
But one lone man had a bigger plan
Deep in the heart of Dallas
His name was Micah
And whites? He no like-ah
Deep in the heart of Dallas
Feelin’ low and mean with a full magazine
Deep in the heart of Dallas
He aimed real well, and the bodies fell
Deep in the heart of Dallas
A robot bomb blew his ass to kingdom come
Deep in the heart of Dallas
But not before he wounded seven more
Deep in the heart of Dallas
Now the cops hate blacks and the blacks hate them back
And nothing’s gonna stop it
And that is what we’re stuck with.
Each one thinks that the other one stinks
And boy, you better not fuck with.
The victims wail when the systems fail
Deep in the heart of America
It’s just another day in the good ol’ USA
Dave found this beautiful, spiritual hymn sung by presidential candidate Ben Carson. Or at least about him.
Segment originally aired Nov. 14, 2015, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode
All content (c)2015 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
OH DAT BEN
When I be nine years old, I hit my momma with a hammer.
When I be ten years old, I bashed my brother with a brick.
When I be eleven years old, I went apeshit with a baseball bat.
Oh lawd, I remember.
Vote for me in November.
When I be twelve years old, I hit my momma with another hammer.
When I be thirteen years old, I stabbed a classmate in the hip.
When I be fourteen years old, somehow I got hold of yet another hammer.
Oh lawd, I remember.
Vote for me in November.
But now I’s a different man, and I gots no anger
I’s got a Yale degree, and I done surgery
So listen, America, from Maine to Alabama
Vote Ben Carson.
And hide yo’ motherfucking hammers.
The 17th Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired Dec. 20, 2014 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.
All content (c)2014 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com * 17. Fighting broke out at the local university’s forestry and conservation wing over – of all things – which tea should be planted in the arboretums of the dormitories.
The students of Flower Hall said, “We’re sick of jasmine tea; we want oolong tea.”
The students of Bush Hall said, “No fair! We want oolong tea.”
The students of Tree Hall said, “No way! We’ve had dibs on oolong since last semester. You take Darjeeling.”
Well, all three halls start yelling and fingerpointing which escalates until punches are thrown, tables get smashed, and soon, there’s a full-fledged riot.
The next morning, the president of the university arrives to survey the damage. She calls all the dormitories together and asks how the trouble started. Immediately, the students from Flower Hall, Bush Hall and Tree Hall start screaming their sides of the story and moving towards another riot.
“Please, please!” cries the president. “Can’t Tree Hall Just Get Oolong?”
The 15th Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired Dec. 6, 2014 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.
All content (c)2014 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
* 15. The head of Milwaukee’s restaurant bureau was in the hospital recovering from a heart attack.
He didn’t mind the downtime until he heard that a big Hollywood movie was coming to town, and he felt awful that he couldn’t escort the stars to the best restaurants the way he usually did. He begged his doctors, “Please, let me bring them to my favorite places!” But the doctors said, “No, you’re not ready.” “Please!” he said. “It’s George Clooney, Julia Roberts, Bill Murray, Laura Dern — I’ll sleep the whole rest of the day, just let me do my celebrity restaurant tours; it’s what we’re known for!”
He begged and pleaded until finally, against their better judgment, the doctors gave in and let him take the movie stars to dinner. He took George Clooney to a French bistro. He took Julia Roberts to the best Mexican place. He brought Bill Murray to a great burger joint. And everything was fine until the last day, when he collapsed in the delicatessen where he had taken Laura Dern for beer and brats.
The coroner held a press conference, and reporters asked him if the doctors were negligent for allowing the guy to resume the tour. “No, said the coroner, “They checked on him every day, and he was doing great. But then he took a Dern for the wurst.”
The 14th Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired Nov. 22, 2014 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.
All content (c)2014 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
* 14. For his work on “30 Rock,” comedian Tracy Morgan was in London to be knighted by the queen. Unfortunately, right after the ceremony, Morgan begins suffering terrible maladies related to his near-fatal car accident.
They bring him to the Royal Hospital where he complains of dizziness and a burning sensation in his left hip.
The doctor examines Morgan for a few minutes and makes some brief notes on a chart, which he hands to the head nurse. But she stops him in the hall. “I’m sorry, doctor, but I don’t understand your notes,” she tells him.
The doctor says, “It’s simple. We put the patient in a spinning centrifuge to counteract his vertigo. Then we drain off some fluid from his hip to ease the inflammation. It’s all there on the chart.”
“Oh, now I get it!” gasps the nurse. “Spin Sir Tracy, and Catheter in Hip Burn.”
The 13th Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired Nov. 22, 2014 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.
All content (c)2014 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com * 13. An old Asian tea maker took pride in teaching his culinary students a very special blend of his chai tea. The brew had a strong, delicious taste and an oddly delicate bouquet. No matter how his young students tried, even the best ones could not replicate the brew.
What the teacher couldn’t tell them was the real reason his tea had such a distinct flavor: every morning before school, he would wake up, take a dry loofa and scrape the wrinkly, dead skin off one of his buttocks and into the bag of leaves.
All goes fine until one day, a know-it-all student takes a sip of the old man’s signature tea. “Ugh,” says the boy, “when was this tea made, 1937?”
“What you talk about?” says the teacher, “is fresh, new tea!”
“New? This tastes ancient. I don’t wanna make old tea.”
“Old? Is not old! Made right now!”
“Is not!” counters the boy. “What kind of teacher are you?”
“I good teacher!” the old man yells, “and is new tea!”
“No, it isn’t,” says the boy, “I’m outta here.”
The kid turns to leave, but the teacher grabs him by the collar and hollers, “I good teacher! No Chai Old, Left Behind!”
The 12th Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired Nov. 15, 2014 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.
All content (c)2014 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
* 12. Basking in the success of his “Godfather” films, Francis Ford Coppola books a much-needed vacation to Peru. On his first morning, he visits a llama farm, where he watches the ranchers feed and groom a herd of llamas and alpacas. Immediately, Coppola becomes fascinated by the animals’ eating habits. He gets on the phone to his agent and says, “I know what my next film is gonna be! I’m watching these llamas and the adorable way their faces move when they chew. So I wanna make a nature documentary where all you see are close-ups of their faces and their mouths.”
“Okay,” says the agent, “you’re the genius. But what on earth will you call it?”
The 11th Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired Nov. 8, 2014 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.
All content (c)2014 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
* 11. Legendary newscaster Edward R. Murrow stops at his favorite New York diner for dinner. He asks the waiter if there are any specials.
“Well,” says the old man, “it’s Passover, so we’re serving items tailored to our Jewish customers.”
“Like what?”
“Our most popular is matzoh brei, served with an entrée of roast chicken.”
“Sounds good,” says Murrow. “I’ll have it.”
After the Kosher meal, Murrow lays his payment and tip on the table, silently gets up and heads towards the door.
“Mr. Murrow,” the waiter calls after him. “I know you’re a man of few words, but don’t you have anything at all to say about your food?”
The newscaster thinks for a moment. Then, on his way out the door, he says, “good brei and good cluck.”
This Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired Nov. 1, 2014 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.
All content (c)2014 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
* 10. A magician is teaching his new assistant the ropes. He brings her to the back room where she sees three shelves – top, middle, and bottom – each with one live dove on it.
The trainer explains, “I do 20 shows a week, and these are the three birds I use for every show. The top one I call “Befores,” because you show him in the lobby before the performance starts. The middle one I call “Afters,” because you display him when I’m signing autographs after the show. And then the bottom one we use during the show.”
“So do you call him Betweens?” asks the assistant. “Or Middles?”
“No,” says the magician. “I call him Bilbo.”
“Bilbo? If your top dove is called Befores, and your middle dove is called Afters, why is the bottom one that you use during the show called Bilbo?”
“Obvious,” says the magician. “He’s Lower Dove Durings.”
Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of October 19, 2014.
A year ago, if someone came up to me and asked, “Have you ever heard of ebola?”, I would have said, “Sure, I’ve heard of ebola. I’m ebola. I go to the alley every weekend, and my high score is 230.”
How far we have come in such a short time that ebola has mutated from an obscure, 15-year-old virus to an American panic attack. In just two months, we’ve gone from, “Oh great. Africans are dying from something besides starvation and AIDS?” to “Close the schools, block the airports, fumigate the national parks.”
On some level, all this caution is good. Perhaps we learned from the AIDS years the penalty for looking the other way when horror happens to someone else. In 1984, Ronald Reagan and Ed Koch could blink at HIV and say, “Ehh, it’s a faigeleh plague. Maybe it’ll thin the herd.” Thirty years later, we look at Africa and go, “It’s not in our backyard yet, but we live in a small neighborhood.”
So missionaries and do gooders trek to Liberia and Nigeria and Sierra Leone to help contain the contagious. Good for them. Woulda been better if they’d gone with a one-way ticket. They come back to the United States, unaware that they’re infected. See, ebola is a disease that takes a while to show how insidious it is. Like marriage.
Anyhoo, what a shock! The missionaries and nurses come back on our soil, and we get our first cases in American hospitals, where the protocols are fammished because nobody knows what we’re dealing with yet. Some genius physician says, “Let’s bring the sick people over here because we can treat them better. How do we keep a zillion other people from being exposed? We’ll work that part out later.”
The minute we started bringing carriers over here, you knew and I knew it was only a matter of time before somebody sneezes, someone else inhales, they cough on a third person, and boom, you’ve got school crossing guards in Hazmat suits. How is that I can’t even put a bandaid on myself without fainting, but I know more than The Center for Disease Control?
What I admit I don’t understand is how this disease is spreading so fast. Ebola is not a virus like the chicken pox where a four-year-old bumps into a five-year-old, and soon both of them are home with mommy allllllll day long. Instead, Ebola is like AIDS in that it takes serious physical contact to pass the pandemic from person to person. You don’t get AIDS just from holding someone’s hand. Well, unless you’re holding it halfway up your tuchas. And even then you have to have an open sore for the bad germs to climb into.
Ebola is not carried by air or water, you don’t catch it from mosquitoes—in fact, patient zero apparently got it from a bat. So, if you’re a baseball player, watch out.
We can beg the ebola victims, or anybody coming from West Africa, don’t kiss anybody, don’t shtup anyone, don’t go on the subway and wipe your boogers on the grabby pole—tempting as that is. If you’re from some country where ebola is spreading like Iggy Azalea, go directly to a hospital or, better yet, turn around and get a boarding pass for the first plane back to Lagos. By the way, you have an uncle there who left you $3 million. All you have to do is bring a thousand-dollar downpayment to this lawyer on the internet.
But I digress. President Obama has chosen an ebola czar — I think I once dated a girl named Ebola Czar — but the dawdler in chief is stopping short of a travel ban. Which basically means: Dangerously ill people, keep coming over here, we’ve got a guy with a suit and a desk. Meanwhile, Frontier Airlines is dealing with a stupid nurse who flew from Dallas to Cleveland during her incubation period, and a Dallas hospital worker who’s stuck on a ship that can’t dock because he might be a carrier. (sings) “The blood Boat.”
And yet, through all of this, getting hysterical does nobody any good. The vast majority of people don’t go around handling blood and sputum and hypodermic needles all day. Unless they’re Andy Dick. So calm down. Take your vacation, go to school, eat at the cafeteria. Be happy that some African countries are closing their borders and keeping containment, and do not allow undue worry to keep you from enjoying your day. After all, life is just a bowl o’ cherries. If cherries carried ebola, then we’d have a problem.
This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York. (Coughs) Just a cough.
Dave sings his socio-political ditty, “Deep in the Heart of Dallas.” 
