At last, Joey Eugene Gallegos, the Greeley Underwear Bandit, has been apprehended, and here is his song.
For the backstory on this song: http://www.denverpost.com/2013/08/21/greeley-police-arrest-suspected-underwear-thief/
Song aired Aug. 24, 2013, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode.
All content (c)2013 TotalTheater Productions. (Music: “Dandy,” by Ray Davies)
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
UNDIES
by David Lefkowitz
(sung to the music of “Dandy” by The Kinks)
Undies Undies Sittin’ in the laundry Puts me in a quand’ry
The women in this town Will bring their laundry down They’ll leave their clothes on spin Then I’ll sneak in for
Undies Undies Beautiful selection Just for my collection
It’s wrong to be a thief But I need some relief I know I’m breaking laws To steal the bras and
Panties Panties When nobody watches I sniff the crotches
I’ve got 300 pair Of ladies’ underwear It’s wrong, but I don’t care Because I long for
Undies Undies Undies.
Panties It’s just a bit of naughty fun Panties And now they keep me on the run Panties Well, I’m not hurting anyone
`Cause when I get them home I take them from my gunny sack And once I’ve shot my load in `em, they’re welcome to them back
Oh, Undies Undies Beautiful selection Gives me an erection
And when I’m put away No longer will I play I’ll sit and dream all day Of undies all my life All my life All my life All my life . . .
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Dave’s Gone By Song (11/24/2012): SANTA QUITS
An interview with a fed-up Santa Claus, Buchanan & Goodman style.
This song first aired Nov. 24, 2012 on the “Dave’s Gone By” program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz. Full episodes also available on youtube, Facebook (davesgoneby), Spotify, and on DavesGoneBy.com.
All content (c)2012 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
SANTA QUITS
(Lyrics: David Lefkowitz. Note: A mashup piece, in Buchanan & Goodman style, using short musical samples from other artists. Song titles are in parentheses with sampled quotes following.)
Y BHEKHIRST (Everytime I): Every time I think of you, la la la la la la la. . .
ANNOUNCER: We interrupt this record to bring you a special bulletin. Santa Claus is about to announce his retirement. I repeat Santa Claus is giving up the giving of gifts.
WILD MAN FISCHER (I’m a Christmas Tree): Oh, Santa Claus! Oh, Santa Claus!
ANNOUNCER: We switch you now to our on-the-spot reporter on the scene at the North Pole.
LOU REED (Caroline Says II): It’s so cold…
ANNOUNCER: Take it away John Cameron Sleazy.
JOHN CAMERON SLEAZY: This is John Cameron Sleazy at the North Pole. I’m talking to an elf.
RANDY NEWMAN (Short People): Short People…
JCS: Herman the Elf. How long have you worked in Santa’s Toyshop?
ROBYN HITCHCOCK (Sixteen Years): Sixteen years, and all I got was high.
JCS: My goodness. That’s quite a long time.
RUFUS WAINWRIGHT (Poses): No kidding.
JCS: And when did you first hear the news that Santa Claus was hanging up his stocking?
WILD MAN FISCHER (Yesterday): Yesterday.
ANNOUNCER: It must have been a shock. How did you react?
SHERRY VINE (Shit My Pants): Girl, I just shit my pants.
JCS: Well, that’s understandable. Disgusting but understandable What will you do now?
THE PRODUCERS (movie excerpt): Gonna crush Poland, then I’m gonna take over France.
JCS: Well, I certainly wish you luck with that. But we have to go over to Mrs. Claus. Santa’s wife has just emerged from a side entrance. Let’s try to catch her.
JCS: I’m John Cameron Sleazy from Eyewitless News. May we talk to you?
ROBERT KLEIN (Starting Your Car): Leave me alone!
JCS: We just wanna ask why your husband is quitting his job.
HANK WILLIAMS (Mind Your Own Business): Mind your own business.
JCS: But Madame, it’s the world’s business. If Santa leaves, what will the children get on Christmas?
LEON REDBONE (Ain’t Misbehavin’): What do I care?
JCS: Are you angry with your husband?
CARNIVAL (1961 Broadway cast): I hate him!
JCS: Very sad news here from the North Pole.
FRANK ZAPPA (Sharleena): I’m crying.
DEEJAY: That was the Heinous Anuses: “Crying!”
JCS: This is John Cameron Sleazy watching crowds gather outside Santa’s factory. Oh my goodness, two unemployed elves have broken into the workshop with hunting knives.
ARLO GUTHRIE (Alice’s Restaurant Massacre): Kill kill kill!
JCS: Santa fends them off with a machete!
2LIVECREW (Get the Fuck Out of My House): Get the fuck out my house!
JCS: Santa Claus is climbing up the chimney trying to escape.
ICE CUBE (When Will They Shoot?): They’ll never get me, they’ll never hit me.
JCS: The disturbed elf is giving chase.
ARLO GUTHRIE (Alice’s Restaurant Massacree): Kill kill kill!
JCS: Santa Claus has made it safely up the chimney and is surveying the crowd.
THE DRIFTERS (Up on the Roof): Up on the roof.
JCS: Santa Claus! Why have you resigned?
VAN MORRISON (So Complicated): So complicated, just want to blow my horn.
JCS: Your horn? Aren’t you Santa?
SHOOBY TAYLOR (Shooby Records): I’m Shooby Taylor, the human horn. When the fuck you gonna realize that?
JCS: No you are not, sir. And rumor has it that you have been forced to quit because of charges brought against you.
THE MAGNETIC FIELDS (I Don’t Believe You): I don’t believe you.
JCS: Children as young as five have accused you of sexual assault.
MATTHEW SWEET (What Do You Know): What do you know?
JCS: I have a child right here who says you molested him. Isn’t that right, Sonny?
AFROMAN (Colt 45): We fucked on the bed, fucked on the floor.
JCS: Santa, isn’t it true you made this boy push a lump of coal into your ass?
THE DOORS (The End): Son, I want to kill you.
DYLAN (1966 live, Like a Rolling Stone): You’re a liar!
JCS: Little boy, why did Santa make you do this?
LIZ PHAIR (Chopsticks): That way we can fuck and watch TV.
JCS: Santa, explain your behavior to this poor boy!
NEIL YOUNG (Hawks & Doves): Just don’t got nothing to say.
JCS: Why the coal, Santa? Was it to teach him something?
REDD FOXX (Wash Your Ass): You got to wash yo’ ass.
JCS: Oh Santa, is that why Mrs. Claus is abandoning you?
CEE-LO GREEN (Fuck You): Fuck you and fuck her, too.
JCS: Little boy, do you have any advice for other children in your situation?
ICE CUBE (Get Off My Dick and Tell Your Bitch to Come Here): Stay off his dick!
JCS: Santa Claus is climbing into his sleigh, and Rudolph does not look happy.
ELVIS COSTELLO (Oliver’s Army): And I would rather be anywhere else but here today.
JCS: Santa, before you go, do you have a message for the children of the world?
BOB DYLAN (Masters of War): And I hope that you die, and your death will come soon.
JCS: Santa that’s horrible. And where are you going exactly?
WING (Highway to Hell): I’m on the highway to hell.
JCS: And there he goes, the last of Santa and his reindeer.
RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #17 (6/12/2011): 2011 Tony Awards
(aired June 11, 2011 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eo3k7A1FHCQ)
Shalom, Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon, with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of June 12, 2011.
Despite my ceaseless grouchiness, there are some things in this world that I love. A good pastrami sandwich, for example. Watching reruns of Columbo. Getting a check in the mail from someplace I wasn’t expecting. Getting a check in the mail from someplace I was expecting. All these things give me joy. Well, unless the pastrami is too fatty. Or there’s too many commercials in the rerun. Or the check in the mail isn’t really a check, it just looks like a check but it’s actually a coupon where they fool you into thinking you’re getting money but actually, it’s just a fake discount where you’re giving them money – bastards!
But be that as it may, some things do make me happy. And I admit, I have a soft spot in my heart and in my brain for the theater. Plays, musicals, erotic circus performances – anything in which talented people are doing their best to entertain the rest of us.
I remember the first show I ever saw. It was Oh, Calcutta! I was 8 years old when I went in – and 27 when I came out. I recall being deeply moved by seeing a Death of a Salesman. Unfortunately, the salesman was my uncle Morty, and he died when he was hit by a bus on 23rd Street. And in 1975, my high school teacher asked if I wanted to see The Wiz. Then he took me to a urinal, and I don’t wanna talk about what happened next.
But still – the theater! Broadway! The Tony Awards, which are happening Sunday night, at New York’s Beacon Theater. Oh, I wish I were there! Look at the shows that are up for Tony Awards this year. For best play, there’s Jerusalem. It has nothing to do with Jews, or Israel, or, from what I’ve heard, anything relevant to anybody, but hey, the title!
Then there’s the revival of The Merchant of Venice, with Al Pacino playing Shylock the Jewish moneylender. This is a very difficult play to pull off, because it’s supposed to be a comedy. Meanwhile, the Jewish character, who just wants his money back, is mocked, humiliated, and forced to convert. Some hilarity. Too bad Shakespeare didn’t write Schindler’s List or we’d have had some real giggles. And really, Al Pacino as an observant Jew? They couldn’t get Steve Guttenberg? (sigh)
In the category of Best Actress in a Musical, we have Donna Murphy nominated for The People in the Picture. This is the story of the Yiddish theater in Poland, both before and during the Holocaust. I’ve heard Donna Murphy is wonderful, but really – “Murphy?” They couldn’t get a Yid for this part? A hundred zillion Jewish people on Broadway and they get someone who couldn’t tell corned beef and cabbage from kasha varnishkes and kneidlach?
And then there’s a play called “The Motherflinger with the Hat.” What kind of name is that for a play? Of course, I’m bowdlerizing it for radio, but who can put this on a poster? “The Motherflinger with the Hat.” They can’t even advertise it. People are saying, “The Mother with the Hat,” “The Mother F-er with the Hat,” “The Hat Play,” “A Buncha Schvartzes Sitting Around Talking.” What, they couldn’t name the play something you could put in a newspaper?
I don’t mind dirty stuff in the play. Half the shows out there, every other word is “f” this, and you’re full of “s,” and why don’t you “s” my “c” in the YMCA? One time I saw a censored version of American Buffalo. It was twelve minutes long! I’m not against foul language; I use it myself sometimes. Most of the time. Nearly all the time, but still, how do you put a play on tour that you can’t promote? They’d have to run a brown paper bag over the marquee.
What I do like about this year’s Tony nominations is their multi-faith nature. You got Shylock and the Holocaust and the AIDS play – The Normal Heart – lotta angry Jewish people. You got pissed-off Muslims in Bengal Tiger at the Baghdad Zoo. There’s goofy nuns in Sister Act and sad Baptists in The Scottsboro Boys. Someone tries to kill the Pope in The House of Blue Leaves, and of course, there’s The Book of Mormon, which has people shtupping frogs, raping babies, getting colonoscopies – my kind of show!
It is said that if you make fun of one culture, you’re a bigot, but if you poop on all of them, you’re an enlightened liberal. Hypocritical as that may sound, it works for me. And if we’re all going to the theater laughing at each other’s stupidity, crying for each other’s losses, and hurrying to be first in the bathroom at intermission – that is the true spirit of globalism, of empathy, and of sharing the human condition.
I offer my best wishes to all the Tony Award nominees – you are all winners, even the losers. Except Billy Crudup, because he was terrible, and Arcadia’s boring, but the rest of you: take a bow.
This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches. On with the show.
RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #9 (3/19/2011): Purim Jokes
aired March 19, 2011 on Dave’s Gone By. youtube: https://youtu.be/zt-rjdt7ANE
Shalom Dammit, this is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of March 20th, 2011.
(grogger noise) Happy Purim, everybody! Arguably the most joyful day on the Jewish calendar because we were saved from the evil Haman by the clever Mordechai and the sexy Esther. In fact, we’re allowed to get so drunk, we can’t tell the difference between Haman and Mordechai. Or, if you’re Eddie Murphy, the difference between Mordechai and Esther.
So in honor of Purim, this Rabbinical Reflection is just for fun. I will begin with the story of an old man in Miami who calls his son in New York. He says, “Son, I hate to tell you, but your mother and I are divorcing. It’s been 45 years, and I can’t stand it anymore. We’re separating next week.”
The son starts screaming and panicking, but the father says, “Look, go call your sister in Texas and tell her, because your mother’s crying, and I’m sick of talking about this.”
The old man hangs up.
The son frantically calls his sister. Two minutes later, she’s calling the old man saying, “You can’t get divorced! This is horrible! Don’t do a thing until I call my brother back, because we are both flying down, and we will be there tomorrow night!”
She hangs up. The old man hangs up. Then he turns to his wife in the bed and says, “Okay. They’re coming for Passover, and they’re paying their own airfare.”
Now, what do we learn from this joke? Perhaps we learn that the end justifies the means. The parents lie to the children because they feel it is the only way the kids will visit them on the holidays. But is this justified?
You’re damn right it is! Children are lazy, ungrateful little bastards who don’t deserve a tenth of what we give them. Forget my birthday, will they? Ptooi!
But where was I? Oh yes. A priest and a vicar were walking along, when the priest says, “You know, I’ve been told by several parishioners that I am the spitting image of Jesus Christ.”
The vicar is a little shocked and says, “Wait, I’ve got the beard, the hair. Everybody tells me I look like Jesus Christ.”
Soon, they’re arguing, and they almost come to blows when they see a Rabbi approaching. “Rabbi,” they say. “Please help us. Which of us is the image of Jesus Christ?”
The Rebbe starts laughing and says, “You? You two? Neither. I’m the image of Jesus Christ – and I can prove it! Follow me.”
So they walk with the Rabbi a mile or two, downtown, through side streets, through alleys, until they come to a dingy little building with a red curtain over the window. They go three floors up some rickety stairs to a hallway with a red lightbulb hanging over one of the doors.
The Rabbi knocks, and after a moment, a frazzled buxom blonde in a negligee opens the door. She looks at the Rabbi and sighs, “Jesus Christ, you again??”
Now this joke turns the tables on us by setting up the idea of a Jew — a Rabbi yet, as a creature of sexual desires and habits. This is not behavior we expect, even though we all know Rabbis, unlike priests, can get married, have relationships, and get a little boom-chicka-boom-chick when our fringes get frisky. The fact that this particular Rabbi gets his hoopdi-doo from a whooer, only makes him more human, and sympathetic, and prone to perfectly normal urges. Or at least, that’s what I tell my wife.
Last joke. Irving takes his wife to a fancy French restaurant. The waiter comes over and says, “The specials tonight are beef Burgundy, moo-shoo chicken, shrimp-fried rice, happy-family vegetable, and spicy wonton.”
Irving looks at the waiter and says, “Hold on. I thought this was a French restaurant.”
The waiter says, “Yes, but it’s a Jewish neighborhood.”
Now I’ve discovered something very important from that joke: I’m starving! Where the hell’s that menu? A couple of hamentaschen only go so far.
Anyway, Purim sameach everybody! And many more.
This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches, in Great Neck, NY.
This segment aired Dec. 28, 2008 on the “Dave’s Gone By” video podcast program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz. Full episodes also available on youtube, Facebook (davesgoneby), and on DavesGoneBy.com.
All content (c)2008 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
MY CHANUKAH WISH
(music and lyrics by David Lefkowitz)
Everyone loves the holiday season
Each for his own particular reason
Some like the spirit, the warmth and the mood
Some like the rituals: football and food
Some crave the family, others the lights
Opening presents for eight days and nights
All of these blessings are nice to recall
But they’re not the one gift I want most of all…
Spending the holidays lonely and blue
No one to see, and not much to do
Ain’t got no girlfriend, ain’t got no misses
No one to hug me and thrill me with kisses
This time of year can be hard on your heart
I bury myself in my work and my art
But still I keep wishing the Lord hears my prayers
proving to me that he listens and cares
So please God, I’ve been a good boy
Won’tcha bring me some comfort and joy?
Please God, my life is so blah
I wanna get laid on Chanukah.
I see all these couples go hand in hand
But I’m all alone and I don’t understand
I ain’t bad lookin’, and I treat people well
But women don’t buy what I tryin’ to sell
I go on Craigslist; I surf around J-Date
But no little Jewess will come be my playmate
It’s not like I’m looking for something long-term
I just need a vessel to unload my sperm.
Hey God, this is my plea
Won’tcha just do this thing for me?
Please God, come to my aid
I wanna get laid on Chanukah
Back in the days of Two Hundred BC
Judah and the family Maccabee
They rid the temple of every last Greek
One drop of oil for the whole friggin’ week
Those are the miracles God tends to do
So why can’t he make one for this horny Jew?
I don’t have a temple, and I’m not in a war
I just wanna meet a Hebraic whore
Well, Hey, God, I don’t ask much
I just want a gal I can fondle and touch
Let me undo a lacy red bra
I wanna get laid on Chanukah!
Now, I admit, I ain’t the marrying kind
Commitment like that drives me out of my mind
But this time of year is it too much to hope
For a gal in a red suit to slide down my rope?
Hey, God, enough of your crap
Give me a gift I can bounce on my lap
Only one girl; don’t need a parade
I wanna get laid on Chanukah!
Maybe I’ll stop by the local saloon
Find some girl with whom I can commune
Fill her head with what she wants to hear
And buy her beer after beer after beer after beer after beer after beer after beer after beer after beer after beer after beer after beer I would usher her out of the bar
On my weekly radio program, Dave’s Gone By, I’ve often made an effort to anti-celebrate the Christmas season with songs, by me and others, that kick the air out of Santa’s tires and suck the last drop of oil out of the great temple’s Menorah. I bet if Adam Sandler had done this on SNL, he’d have had a minor hit to follow his you-know-what song.
The tune debuted on my 300th episode, which aired Dec. 28, 2008, and I brought it back for my celebratory 600th episode in April 2017.
This segment first aired Oct. 5, 2008 on the “Dave’s Gone By” program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz. Full episodes also available on youtube, Facebook (davesgoneby), Spotify, and on DavesGoneBy.com.
The song was also played on the Nov. 2, 2008 episode of the Dr. Demento Show.
All content (c)2008 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
CRAPPY DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN
(Lyrics: David Lefkowitz. Music: Milton Ager’s 1929 song, “Happy Days are Here Again”)
click above for episode #262 (audio only)Clic above to listen to the episode (audio only).
Here is the 262nd episode of the long-running radio show/podcast, Dave’s Gone By, which aired on NY’s WGBB-AM radio, March 2, 2008. Info: davesgoneby.com.
Host: Dave Lefkowitz. Guest co-hosts: Jeff Goodman & Joe Salzone Guests: musicologist Paul Tracey, radio host Mark Torres, Dave’s dad, Philip Lefkowitz
Featuring: guest co-hosts Jeff Goodman and Joe Salzone and musicologist Paul Tracey, plus a chat with Dave’s dad, Philip Lefkowitz, radio host Mark Torres, and a gospel romp.
00:00:01 Pre-show excerpts w/ Joe Salzone, Jeff Goodman & Mark Torres: “Getting Sirius,” “More Siriusly,” “Pernickety” & “Mandy Patinkin is a Lunatic” 00:34:30 Caller Mark Torres 00:45:30 DAVE GOES IN 01:03:00 GUEST: Paul Tracey 01:33:00 INSIDE BROADWAY – News 01:50:00 Sponsors 01:41:00 LETTERS, WE GET LETTERS 01:58:30 GUEST: Dave’s Dad (Philip Lefkowitz) – “All About Dave,” “Failure,” “Funnin’: 02:20:00 GOSPEL TIME – “Drug Me,” “Have You Received the Hoy [sic] Ghost,” “Gotta Have Faith,” “Come.” 02:33:00 DAVE GOES OUT
March 2, 2008 Playlist: “Upside Down” (01:00:30), “The Brilliant Red Mustang” (01:15:00) & “Something’s Missing” (01:30:00; Paul Tracey). “Drug Me” (02:20:30; The Canton Spirituals), “Have You Received the Holy Ghost” (02:25:00) & “Gotta Have Faith” (02:28:00; Lillian Lilly), “Come” (02:33:00; Dr. Sheila L. Johnson).
Paul TraceyPhilip LefkowitzStar Jones Joe Salzoneyour host
click above for episode #261 (audio only)Click above to listen to the episode (audio only).
Here is the 261st episode of the long-running radio show/podcast, Dave’s Gone By, which aired on NY’s WGBB-AM radio, Feb. 24, 2008. Info: davesgoneby.com.
Host: Dave Lefkowitz Guest co-host: Jeff Goodman Guest: Paul Rudnick of Grow-a-Frog
Featuring: Dave and guest co-host Jeff Goodman chat with Grow-a-Frog frog keeper Paul Rudnick. Plus: the satirical News Gone By.
00:00:01 Pre-show Excerpts: Not Gay and Oprah’s Big Give 00:07:00 DAVE GOES IN 00:16:00 GUEST: Grow-a-Frog’s Paul Rudnick 00:42:00 NEWS GONE BY – includes Mets Rant & Pig Farmers 01:10:00 DAVE GOES OUT
Feb. 24, 2008 Playlist: “Stand By Your Ham” (UK pig farmers), “Bein’ Green” (Van Morrison).
click above for episode #260 (audio only)Click above to listen to the episode (audio only).
Here is the 260th episode of the long-running radio show/podcast, Dave’s Gone By, which aired on NY’s WGBB-AM radio, Feb. 17, 2008. Info: davesgoneby.com.
Host: Dave Lefkowitz Guest co-host:Jeff Goodman Guest: New York Post sportswriter Phil Mushnick
Featuring: Dave chats with New York Post sports columnist Phil Mushnick; Inside Broadway.
00:00:01 Pre-show excerpt: Presidents’ Day & The Delegate Thing 00:09:00 DAVE GOES IN 00:17:00 GUEST: Phil Mushnick 00:43:00 INSIDE BROADWAY – News, Runt & Deathbed 01:06:00 DAVE GOES OUT
Playlist: “Mushnick & Son” (Little Shop of Horrors).
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Here is the 259th episode of the long-running radio show/podcast, Dave’s Gone By, which aired on NY’s WGBB-AM radio, Feb. 10, 2008. Info: davesgoneby.com
Guest co-host: Jeff Goodman Guest: TV legend Uncle Floyd (Vivino)
Featuring: Dave chats with TV host and musical entertainer Uncle Floyd (Vivino). Plus: Inside Broadway.
00:00:01 Pre- show excerpts – “Karl Ehrhardt” & “Google Race!” 00:07:00 DAVE GOES IN 00:16:00 GUEST: Uncle Floyd 00:56:00 INSIDE BROADWAY – News 01:03:00 DAVE GOES OUT
Feb. 10, 2008 Playlist: “It’s Not My Place” (Ramones), “Slip Away” (David Bowie).
(pictured: Channel 68, Uncle Floyd and crew)
Oogie & Uncle FloydKarl EhrhardtJeff Goodman `n Dave
