The 1st Wretched Pun of Destiny aired July 19, 2014 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
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1.
If you’ve been to Starbucks recently, you know that Oprah Winfrey has a new line of Chai teas. Well, they’ve been so successful, Oprah goes to her marketing and research-and-development people and asks if they could create more lines of tea that she could brand in the same way.
“I’m glad you asked,” says the head R&D guy. “We’ve been working on this new project that we think is perfect for your brand. It’s a line of tea made from essential fish oils.”
Oprah makes a face. “You’re not serious?”
“No, really! I know how it sounds, but they taste great. They’re healthy, they smell amazing, people get their omega fatty acids – here, just try one!”
So the guy brings out a hot cup of tea. “This is yellowtail. Just taste it.”
Oprah does and gasps, “This is delicious! No bad smell, and it looks lovely. And it’s fish oil?”
“Exactly!” laughs the R&D guy. “And we can have whole line of them: Oprah Salmon Tea. Oprah Tilapia Tea. Oprah Swordfish Tea. And I haven’t even shown you the best part!”
The guy brings out all these cups of dry tea and gives Oprah a big kettle of hot water.
“Go ahead, pour!” he says.
So Oprah pours boiling water into the first cup. As soon as she does, she hears this loud, incessant, knocking sound. “What’s that?” she laughs.
“That’s the surprise! The tea leaves are so tightly compacted, the second the boiling water hits them, it sets off chemical reactions that make a racket. It’s a great novelty, and you can market it like crazy. Try some more!”
So Oprah pours water onto the Flounder Tea, and she hears, “knock knock knock knock…” She does it on the Monkfish Tea – same thing. Pretty soon there’s a riot of noise as she’s boiling the Mackerel Tea, the Redfish Tea, the Trout Tea . . .
Finally, she gets to the one with tuna fish and pours the water on it, but all she hears is one single “knock.” “Hmm, let me try another one,” she says. So they hand her another cup of the tuna, she pours the water in, but again, just a single “knock.”
“Well, this is incredibly promising,” Oprah raves. “I love the whole line, and I can’t wait to get it going. Of course, you’re gonna have to bring this last one back for more testing. All the others made so much noise; it’s a shame the tuna is so quiet. Can you fix it?”
The R&D man looks at her aghast and replies, “Oh, heavens no! Oprah Tuna Tea Only Knocks Once!”
