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Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #013 (4/24/2011): Easter

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RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #13 (4/24/2011): Easter

Aired 4/23/11 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AgmT5qW-5Vc

Shalom, Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon, with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of April 24th, 2011.

April 24th is a big day for our Christian brethren because it is Easter Sunday, the day that commemorates Jesus rising from the dead. According to the story, Jesus was crucified, pulled off the cross, and buried in a tomb. Three days later, they move away the rock – because that’s what you always do after you bury someone, you go back in and make sure they’re dead – and lo and behold, no corpse. The cave was empty.

And then, depending on which gospel you read, Jesus started appearing to his followers. He returned from the dead and visited his old pals. He saw the apostle Peter, and Paul, and Thomas – the famous “doubting Thomas.” Jesus said to him, “You don’t believe I’m dead? Stick your fingers in my wrist holes.” That’s actually in the book of John. Jesus telling Thomas, “You don’t think it’s me? Why don’t you blow in my feet like an ocarina? What? Disgusting? I spend seven hours bleeding to death on a cross, and you don’t wanna get goo on your face? Forget `doubting Thomas’; I’m gonna call you `asshole Thomas.’ How do you like that, ha? Pussyboy asshole Thomas. Now shut up and put your thumb in my ankle.”

I dunno. Obviously, I don’t believe in the whole resurrection thing, or any part of the Jesus story. But what intrigues me is the accepted idea that Jesus rose on the third day, and on the 40th day, he ascended to heaven. That leaves 37 days – nearly a month and a half – when he’s the walking dead, strolling around Bethlehem and wherever.

Wouldn’t that have been enough time to…I dunno…do anything? The gospels are very cryptic about his whereabouts all those weeks. Which is another reason they’re so suspect. If somebody rose from the dead, wouldn’t you follow them everywhere? Wouldn’t you take notes on every single thing they did? Instead: one visit here, an appearance there, a possible sighting in New Mexico.

And what if you were Jesus coming back to earth – what would you do? Was he still wounded? If he was part-human; maybe he went to a hospital, got himself re-hydrated, a couple of splints, maybe a chest x-ray.

And when he felt better… I don’t think they had guns in those days, but don’t you think he would’ve grabbed a sharp sword and gone looking for some people?

If I were Jesus, I’d be like, “Hello, there. Remember me? Oh, that’s right, you didn’t see my face. You were too busy looking at my back while you were whipping it 39 times. Ohhh..no hard feelings. You were just doing as you were told. But, see, I’m the son of God now. So you have two choices: I can either put this sword through your head, or you can take me to Herod, and then I’ll put this sword through your head. Who? Pilate? Oh, I’ve been to Pilate. His courtroom, as a matter of fact. Let’s just say I put his gavel in a very interesting place.”

Now, see? If the New Testament read like that, I’d believe in it. Here you’ve got the son of God coming back with six weeks on earth to wreak havoc, get revenge, maybe get a little somethin’-somethin’ from Mary Magdalene. Or the reverse – maybe he uses his post-mortem super powers to unite everyone on the planet, prove that he’s divine and turn the whole world Christian.

But no. He comes back, a few people see him, and then he goes off to God. What a wasted opportunity! Which is why I’d sooner believe in the Easter Bunny than Jesus. But that’s just me. I certainly wish our goyische friends and neighbors a happy holiday, with lots of good family gatherings and frilly bonnets and chocolate bunnies.

Although speaking of food, it does occur to me that if the last supper was, as they say, a Passover Seder, that means for his final days on earth, Jesus could eat only Kosher-for-Pesach meals. Forget all the other tortures of the crucifixion; can you imagine how constipated he was? That poor bastard.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches, in Great Neck, NY.

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #009 (3/19/2011): Purim Jokes

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RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #9 (3/19/2011): Purim Jokes

aired March 19, 2011 on Dave’s Gone By. youtube: https://youtu.be/zt-rjdt7ANE

Shalom Dammit, this is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of March 20th, 2011.

(grogger noise) Happy Purim, everybody! Arguably the most joyful day on the Jewish calendar because we were saved from the evil Haman by the clever Mordechai and the sexy Esther. In fact, we’re allowed to get so drunk, we can’t tell the difference between Haman and Mordechai. Or, if you’re Eddie Murphy, the difference between Mordechai and Esther.

So in honor of Purim, this Rabbinical Reflection is just for fun. I will begin with the story of an old man in Miami who calls his son in New York. He says, “Son, I hate to tell you, but your mother and I are divorcing. It’s been 45 years, and I can’t stand it anymore. We’re separating next week.”

The son starts screaming and panicking, but the father says, “Look, go call your sister in Texas and tell her, because your mother’s crying, and I’m sick of talking about this.”

The old man hangs up.

The son frantically calls his sister. Two minutes later, she’s calling the old man saying, “You can’t get divorced! This is horrible! Don’t do a thing until I call my brother back, because we are both flying down, and we will be there tomorrow night!”

She hangs up. The old man hangs up. Then he turns to his wife in the bed and says, “Okay. They’re coming for Passover, and they’re paying their own airfare.”

Now, what do we learn from this joke? Perhaps we learn that the end justifies the means. The parents lie to the children because they feel it is the only way the kids will visit them on the holidays. But is this justified?

You’re damn right it is! Children are lazy, ungrateful little bastards who don’t deserve a tenth of what we give them. Forget my birthday, will they? Ptooi!

But where was I? Oh yes. A priest and a vicar were walking along, when the priest says, “You know, I’ve been told by several parishioners that I am the spitting image of Jesus Christ.”

The vicar is a little shocked and says, “Wait, I’ve got the beard, the hair. Everybody tells me I look like Jesus Christ.”

Soon, they’re arguing, and they almost come to blows when they see a Rabbi approaching. “Rabbi,” they say. “Please help us. Which of us is the image of Jesus Christ?”

The Rebbe starts laughing and says, “You? You two? Neither. I’m the image of Jesus Christ – and I can prove it! Follow me.”

So they walk with the Rabbi a mile or two, downtown, through side streets, through alleys, until they come to a dingy little building with a red curtain over the window. They go three floors up some rickety stairs to a hallway with a red lightbulb hanging over one of the doors.

The Rabbi knocks, and after a moment, a frazzled buxom blonde in a negligee opens the door. She looks at the Rabbi and sighs, “Jesus Christ, you again??”

Now this joke turns the tables on us by setting up the idea of a Jew — a Rabbi yet, as a creature of sexual desires and habits. This is not behavior we expect, even though we all know Rabbis, unlike priests, can get married, have relationships, and get a little boom-chicka-boom-chick when our fringes get frisky. The fact that this particular Rabbi gets his hoopdi-doo from a whooer, only makes him more human, and sympathetic, and prone to perfectly normal urges. Or at least, that’s what I tell my wife.

Last joke. Irving takes his wife to a fancy French restaurant. The waiter comes over and says, “The specials tonight are beef Burgundy, moo-shoo chicken, shrimp-fried rice, happy-family vegetable, and spicy wonton.”

Irving looks at the waiter and says, “Hold on. I thought this was a French restaurant.”

The waiter says, “Yes, but it’s a Jewish neighborhood.”

Now I’ve discovered something very important from that joke: I’m starving! Where the hell’s that menu? A couple of hamentaschen only go so far.

Anyway, Purim sameach everybody! And many more.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches, in Great Neck, NY.

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=32920

–> https://wp.me/pzvIo-2rT

–> youtube: https://youtu.be/zt-rjdt7ANE

Dave’s Gone By #347 (3/19/2011): THE DR. IS IN

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Here is the 347th episode of the long-running radio show/podcast, Dave’s Gone By, which aired on UNC Radio, March 19, 2011. Info: davesgoneby.com.

Host: Dave Lefkowitz

Guest: radio personality Dr. Demento.

Dave chats with radio legend Dr. Demento. Also: the Saturday Segue (novelties), Bob Dylan: Sooner & Later (funny ones), Inside Broadway (Spamalot in Greeley), Dave Says Bye to Joe Morello, and Rabbi Sol Solomon’s Rabbinical Reflection on Purim.

00:00:01 DAVE GOES IN
00:17:00 SATURDAY SEGUE: Novelties
00:30:00 GUEST: Dr. Demento
01:47:00 SATURDAY SEGUE, pt. 2 – More Novelties
01:57:30 DAVE – Sponsors
02:06:30 BOB DYLAN – Sooner & Later: Funny Ones
02:37:30 INSIDE BROADWAY (Spamalot)
02:54:00 Rabbi Sol Solomon’s Rabbinical Reflection: Purim jokes
03:00:30 DAVE SAYS BYE: Joe Morello
03:04:30 DAVE – Weather & Friends
03:11:00 DAVE GOES OUT

March 19, 2011 Playlist: “Fish Heads” (00:17:00; Barnes & Barnes); “Poisoning Pigeons in the Park” (00:19:30; Tom Lehrer); “One Hippopotami” (00:21:30; Allan Sherman); “I’m My Own Grampaw” (00:25:00; Homer & Jethro); “Cocktails for Two” (00:27:30; Spike Jones). “They’re Coming to Take Me Away, Ha Ha” (01:47:00; Napoleon XIV); “One More Minute” (01:49:30; Weird Al Yankovic); “My Name is Larry” (01:53:30; Wild Man Fischer); “Mixed Up Confusion” (02:07:00), “Baby, I’m in the for You” (02:09:30), “The Ugliest Girl in the World” (02:12:30), “I Shall Be Free No. 10” (02:16:00), “Man Gave Names to All the Animals” (02:20:30), “Leopard Skin Pillbox Hat” (02:25:00), “All I Really Want to Do” (live, 02:29:00) & “Must Be Santa” (02:32:00; Bob Dylan). “You Can’t Succeed on Broadway” (02:38:00; Spamalot original 2005 Broadway cast), “Take Five” (Dave Brubeck Quartet; 02:59:00), “Knockers Up” (excerpt, 03:09:00; Rusty Warren); “Shaving Cream” (03:17:00; Paul Wynn/Benny Bell).

(Pictured: Dr. Demento)

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #005 (2/20/2011): PRESIDENTS’ DAY

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #5 (2/20/2011): Presidents’ Day

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aired February 19, 2011 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube: https://youtu.be/nZT9N_r13ag

Shalom Dammit, this is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of February 20, 2011.

Happy Washington’s Birthday everybody. No, wait – Happy Lincoln’s Birthday everybody. No – wait, make that Happy Presidents Day. Who the hell knows what day it is?

Back in olden times, George Washington’s birthday was celebrated on February 22nd because it was … wait for it… George Washington’s birthday! What could be simpler? Venerate this important statesman on the actual day of his birth.

But everybody knows the best holidays fall on a Monday. If you keep Washington’s Birthday on the 22nd, there’s only a one-in-seven chance of scoring a three-day weekend. Politicians fixed this problem by moving the holiday one week earlier. Leave it to the Federal Government to ensure Washington’s Birthday never actually falls on Washington’s Birthday. These are the people we pay to fix our sewers.

Anyway, let’s not forget about Lincoln’s Birthday, February 12th. God forbid we should have two national holidays so that working people get two days off in the middle of godforsaken February. No, even though Lincoln’s Birthday was never officially shlunked into Washington’s, most people assume Presidents Day covers both these guys.

But who’s to say it doesn’t cover more? Some of the founders of Presidents Day intended it to honor the office of the presidency, rather than any particular leader. But does that mean, when we celebrate Presidents Day, we’re glorifying Warren G. Harding? Richard Nixon? Jimmy Carter? George W. Bush? I’d sooner celebrate Bernie Madoff’s birthday!

Why couldn’t we leave things the way they were? Celebrate a holiday on the holiday. I feel bad for Lincoln; I really do. He’s like the goyische kid whose birthday falls on Christmas Eve. So all his relatives bring him one present instead of two – but it’s a slightly nicer, more expensive gift because it covers both occasions. They think this is fairness. When the kid grows up, he should tell the relatives, “You know.. years from now, when you’re lying in a nursing home, I would have come to visit twice a year, but instead, I’ll come once, but I’ll stay ten minutes longer. Cheap bastards.”

Speaking of goyim, you notice – they don’t touch Christmas. The other holidays they move like backgammon chips, but Christmas, no. Or New Year’s Day – but that one at least has a built-in safety. Nevertheless, I’m sure there’s a schmuck politician out there who’s thinking, “January 1st would be so much more convenient on December 28th.” Only thing stopping the madness is the calendar.

Christmas, on the other hand – why not move it? Who knows when Jesus was actually born, if Jesus was actually born. So keep New Year’s Day, and move Christmas to July. This way the goyim can put up their decorations without freezing their balls off, we get a nice Federal holiday between Memorial and Labor Day, and Jews wouldn’t have to keep explaining to our children why Christmas and Chanukah have nothing in common.

Well, except the fat guy who comes into people’s houses for a nosh while they’re asleep. One is Santa Claus, the other is crazy uncle Mort who needs a restraining order.

And as for Presidents Day – well, if we set aside one holiday for every president who wasn’t a disaster, you’d need half a dozen days. So lumping all the leaders into Presidents Day does have its logic. In fact, why not add Statesman Day? That way, you could honor all these noble speakers – Martin Luther King, Madeleine Albright, Mister Rogers – without going through the controversies: “oh, this one’s an adulterer, that one’s too liberal, this one wears lame sweaters.”

And how about a holiday dedicated to the guy who put all the holidays on Mondays? For the sake of three-day weekends and half-a-day Fridays, the guy who disregarded birthdays, anniversaries, bombings, assassinations, all in the name of commerce, convenience and white sales. We should find out who this guy is and celebrate his birthday… whenever.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection by Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York.

—> https://youtu.be/nZT9N_r13ag

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=32945

Dave’s Gone By #343 (2/19/2011): LIVE LAVIN

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Here is the 343rd episode of the long-running radio show/podcast, Dave’s Gone By, which aired on UNC Radio, Feb. 19, 2011. Info: davesgoneby.com.

host: Dave Lefkowitz
Guests: actress Linda Lavin & Dave’s dad, Philip Lefkowitz

Featuring: Dave chats with actress Linda Lavin (“Alice,” Other Desert Cities) and his dad, Philip Lefkowitz. Plus: Dave Says Bye to Kenneth Mars and Betty Garrett. Also: Inside Broadway (The Importance of Being Earnest, Colin Quinn: Long Story Short, The Divine Sister, Baby Wants Candy), Rabbi Sol Solomon’s Rabbinical Reflection on Presidents Day, and Bob Dylan: “Sooner & Later” (Presidents Day).

00:00:01 DAVE GOES IN
00:14:30 GUEST: Linda Lavin
00:39:00 DAVE SAYS BYE – Betty Garrett & Kenneth Mars
00:53:00 INSIDE BROADWAY (Reviews of The Importance of Being Earnest (00:53:30); Colin Quinn: Long Story Short (01:02:30) The Divine Sister (01:07:30); Baby Wants Candy (01:13:00); thoughts on Spider-Man (01:17:30).
01:33:30 GUEST: Philip Lefkowitz
02:09:30 Dave’s Sponsors
02:15:30 Bob Dylan: Sooner & Later (Presidents Day)
02:47:30 Weather
02:49:30 Rabbi Sol Solomon’s Rabbinical Reflection (Presidents Day)
02:55:30 Friends
03:04:30 DAVE GOES OUT

Feb. 19, 2011 Playlist: “Mr. President” (00:07:00; Randy Newman); “Funky President” (00:10:00; James Brown); “You’re Awful” (00:36:30; Frank Sinatra & Betty Garrett). “Franz Liebkind Scene” (00:44:30; “The Producers” film); “The Lullaby of Broadway” (00:48:30); “The President” (01:29:00; Robyn Hitchcock). “End Titles” (02:05:00; “To Kill a Mockingbird” score by Elmer Bernstein). “Dear Mrs. Roosevelt” (02:16:00), “Talkin’ World War III Blues” (live) (02:22:00), “Joey” (live) (02:27:30), “Must Be Santa” (02:36:30) & “It’s All Right Ma, I’m Only Bleeding” (live) (02:39:00) (Bob Dylan).

Dave’s Gone By #201 (12/31/2006): THE WGBB NEW YEAR’S CRAPTACULAR

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Here is the 201st episode of the long-running radio show/podcast, Dave’s Gone By, which aired on NY’s WGBB-AM radio, Dec. 31, 2006. Info: davesgoneby.com.

host: Dave Lefkowitz
guest co-host: Jeff Goodman

guests: Mike Chimeri, Tom Ross, Bonnie D. Graham, Charles Gross, Rozanna Beaumont, Brother Clarence Thomas, James Hodge, Joel Blumberg, and Dave’s wife Joyce.

Featuring: A special episode with Dave and co-host Jeff Goodman ushering in the New Year with guests from WGBB’s roster, phone callers and fun.

Note: Joel Blumberg passed away Dec. 17, 2010 at age 64.

Note: The program was edited down from its broadcast length to fit onto three CDs. Remember CDs?)

00:00:01 DAVE GOES IN
00:12:00 Guest: Mike Chimeri
00:27:30 Guest: WGBB Programmer Tom Ross
00:37:30 Party Favors
00:41:00 Yo Soy Sauce
00:46:00 Guest: Brother Clarence Thomas
00:56:00 DAVE & JEFF: Dave Hates Xmas
00:59:00 Guest: Charles Gross
01:17:00 Guest: Rozanna Beaumont
01:24:30 Nova Scotia New Year w/ Joel Blumberg
01:29:00 Plugz
01:40:30 Dave’s Family (w/ Philip Lefkowitz, David Lippman)
01:53:00 Guest: Larry Gange from Galaxie Caterers
01:58:00 The Passings of 2006
02:03:30 The Pinnacle! w/ Joyce
02:27:00 “Frank Rizzo”
02:40:30 Guests: James Hodge & Nana
02:51:00 A message from Bonnie D. Graham
02:53:00 Thank Yous
03:19:00 Midwest New Year
03:23:00 The Finale

Dec. 31, 2007 Playlist: “Ring Out Solstice Bells” (00:07:00; Jethro Tull). “New Coat of Paint” (01:37:00; Tom Waits). “Happy Days are Here Again” (02:31:30; Tiny Tim). “Auld Lang Syne” (02:57:00; Guy Lombardo). “Forever Young” (live; 03:05:00; Bob Dylan & the Band). “These are Days” (03:24:00; 10,000 Maniacs).

Dave’s Gone By #195 (11/5/2006): LES MS.

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Here is the 195th episode of the long-running radio show/podcast, Dave’s Gone By, which aired on NY’s WGBB-AM, Nov. 5, 2006. Info: davesgoneby.com.

host: Dave Lefkowitz
guest co-host: Jeff Goodman
guest: actress Daphne Rubin-Vega (Rent)

Featuring: Dave chats with actress Daphne Rubin-Vega. Plus: Inside Broadway (Butley, Grey Gardens, The Times They are a-Changin’).

00:00:01 Pre-Show: Halloween (00:00:01) & Foley (00:06:00))
00:09:00 DAVE GOES IN
00:26:00 GUEST: Daphne Rubin-Vega
00:53:00 INSIDE BROADWAY (Grey Gardens (00:53:00), The Times They are a-Changin’ (00:60:00), Butley (00:63:00))
00:65:00 DAVE GOES OUT

November 5, 2006 Playlist: “Mental Tenant” & “The Rainbow Connection” (Daphne Rubin-Vega), “Light My Candle” (Rent original cast).

Dave’s Gone By Interview (12/22/2005): RON CLANCY & Rabbi Sol Solomon

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Rabbi Sol Solomon interviews Christmas music expert Ron Clancy

Topics include: Christmas carols, Irving Berlin, holidays.

Segment originally aired Dec. 22, 2005, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode.

All content (c)2005 TotalTheater Productions.

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
More information on Rabbi Sol Solomon: http://www.shalomdammit.com

Dave’s Gone By #154 (12/22/2005): XMESS

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Here is the 154th episode of the long-running radio show/podcast, Dave’s Gone By, which aired on NY’s WGBB-AM Dec. 22, 2005. Info: davesgoneby.com.

host: Dave Lefkowitz
guest: musical archivist Ron Clancy and Rabbi Sol Solomon (spiritual leader of Temple Sons of Bitches, Great Neck, NY)

Featuring: Dave celebrates Christmas and Chanukah with novelty songs and holiday music expert, Ron Clancy

00:00:01 DAVE GOES IN
00:15:00 Guest: Rabbi Sol Solomon interviews Ron Clancy
00:51:00 DAVE GOES OUT

Dec. 22, 2005 Playlist: “My Doggy’s Christmas Gift” (00:10:00), “We Killed Santa Claus” (00:14:00), “The Twelve Complaints of Christmas” (00:35:00), “Santasia” (00:41:00), “Anal Dreidel” (00:49:00) & “The Twelve Perversions of Christmas” (00:51:00; Dave), “(I’m Having a) Gay Christmas” (00:46:00; Peter Fitzgerald), “Blue Christmas” (Tammy Wynette).

Dave’s Gone By #120 (3/24/2005): A VERY GOOD SHOW

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Here is the 120th episode of the long-running radio show/podcast, Dave’s Gone By, which aired on NY’s WGBB-AM radio, March 24, 2005. Info: davesgoneby.com.

host: Dave Lefkowitz
guests: author Larry Cuocci (“A Very Good Year”) and Rabbi Sol Solomon, spiritual leader of Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, NY.

Featuring: Dave chats with author Larry Cuocci. Plus: Dave Goes Off on Parking and Rabbi Sol Solomon’s Purimspiel.

00:00:01 DAVE GOES IN
00:08:00 DAVE GOES OFF – Parking
00:16:00 DAVE’S GOT GUESTS – author Larry Cuocci (“A Very Good Year”)
00:38:00 SKIT: Rabbi Sol Solomon’s Purimspiel
00:52:00 DAVE GOES OUT

March 24, 2005 Playlist: “A Wake Up Call” & “A Viennese Freilach” (New Orleans Klezmer Allstars).