Tag: Wretched Pun

Dave’s Gone By Wretched Pun of Destiny #044 (7/11/2015): UPENN

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The 44th Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired July 11, 2015 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

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All content (c)2015 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

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44.
The summer before his senior year, a University of Pennsylvania student proposes to his girlfriend. He wants the wedding in Philadelphia, but she demands they get married in Jefferson County because her family, from her great-great-grandfather all the way to her dad, has lived and worked in the coal mines there for generations.

After the ceremony and a little drunk, the guy is driving his bride back towards campus.

Unfortunately, a cop stops him for speeding and weaving a little out of his lane. “Aw, come on, officer,” says the student. “It’s my wedding day.”

“Don’t argue,” says the cop. “You’re speeding and driving under the influence.”

“I may be a little tipsy,” admits the student, “but if you bring this to court, no jury on earth would convict me. I’d even represent myself!”

“Ha!” says the cop. “You’re just a college kid. Studying what, history?”

“Engineering,” comes the reply.

“So you’re an engineer, and you’re gonna defend yourself in court?”

“That’s right,” says the student. “Engineering is my major. But thanks to her dad, now I have a Miner In-Law.”

Dave’s Gone By Wretched Pun of Destiny #043 (7/4/2015): DICK VAN DYKE

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The 43rd Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired July 4, 2015 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.

All content (c)2015 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
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43.
On his first trip to Thailand, Dick Van Dyke goes walking through the streets of Bangkok to take in the sights. He comes to the French quarter and notices all sorts of decorations, such as flowers, hearts and cupids. His translator explains that, just like in America, it’s Valentine’s Day, which is celebrated all over Thailand but especially by the romantic French.

“How nice!” says Dick Van Dyke, who waves at a passerby and says, “Happy Valentine’s Day.”

“Happy co-star!” comes the reply.

Puzzled, the comic actor waves at another stranger and wishes her a happy Valentine’s Day.

“Happy co-star to you!” the woman answers.

Flummoxed, Van Dyke turns to his translator and asks, “What does French Valentine’s Day have to do with my co-star?”

“It’s an abbreviation,” says his companion. “Happy co-star is short for `Merry Thai L’amour.’”

Dave’s Gone By Wretched Pun of Destiny #041 (6/20/2015): FISHERMAN

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The 41st Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired June 20, 2015 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.

All content (c)2015 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

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41.
The Coast Guard receives a call to intercept a fishing boat off the waters of Maine. When they reach the vessel, they see it’s a small, weatherbeaten craft, yet it’s piled high with Atlantic herring. On board are just a 14-year-old boy and his ancient grandfather.

“Why have you stopped us?” says the boy.

“Overfishing,” the Coast Guard captain says. “You’ve got more than five times the allowable limit for a single trawl.”

“I know,” says the boy. “It’s my grandpa. Once he starts pulling `em out of the ocean, he can’t stop. It’s a compulsion.”

“Well, I’ll just have a word with him,” replies the Captain. “Old man. Do you realize you’re overfishing in these waters?”

“What’s that?” says the grandfather.

“You’re fishing too much. It’s illegal.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t understand,” says the senior.

“I said, you can’t keep stockpiling like this!” shouts the captain.

The old man shrugs uncomprehendingly. The captain says to the boy, “What’s the matter with him? Is he deaf?”

“No,” says the boy, “just Hoard of Herring.”

Dave’s Gone By Wretched Pun of Destiny #040 (6/13/2015): DAVID CASSIDY

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Segment aired June 13, 2015 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.

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More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

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40.
During the height of his fame, teen idol David Cassidy is offered every possible permutation of sex, drugs and rock and roll. He indulges in all of these, but marijuana’s a problem. No matter how he tries the herb, be it in a cigarette or a bowl or a brownie, just a little bit of weed makes him dry heave.

He asks his dealer, “Why am I not allergic to any other drug, but marijuana makes me vomit?”

The dealer replies, “I dunno. Must be the TV show you’re on.”

“TV show?” says Cassidy. “What does that have to do with it?”

“Well,” says the dealer. “You are a member of the Pot Retch Family.”

Dave’s Gone By Wretched Pun of Destiny #039 (6/6/2015): SOPRANO

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The 39th Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired June 6, 2015 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.

All content (c)2015 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

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39.
A young singer is becoming the toast of the Metropolitan Opera for her beauty, her acting ability, and especially, her vocal range. She’s a contralto but almost as comfortable in soprano roles—a lucky thing, since she’s just taken on a new opera that makes her hit the D over high C in almost every aria.

After the first performance, however, she feels queasy and suffers cramps. After the second show, she’s nearly doubled over. There’s a two-week break before her next performance, and she feels fine, so she chalks it up to nerves. But as soon as she makes her next appearance, she suffers terrible stomach pain.

The next morning, she hurries to the doctor who takes an x-ray and discovers all these worm-like creatures in her abdomen. He frowns, “I’m afraid you have parasitic eels.”

“What? Eels in my stomach?”

“Yes,” says the MD.

“But I felt fine the last two weeks. It’s only when I’ve been singing . . .”

“Exactly,” says the doctor. “They’re born from vocal strain. And as long as you’re in that opera hitting those high notes, they’ll keep coming back. We call it `Wendy Wasserstein Syndrome.’”

“Really?” says the singer. “Did she have it, too?”

“No, she just inspired it. Haven’t you ever heard of `The High D Chronic Eels?’”

Dave’s Gone By Wretched Pun of Destiny #038 (5/30/2015): HAVEL

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The 38th Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired May 30, 2015 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.

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More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
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38.
Before he became president of Czechoslovakia, Vaclav Havel ran a small theater out of a convent in Prague. They had no money, so everything they needed, he had to swap for. If they required furniture for a set, Havel would trade eggs and homegrown produce for the loan of a couch and chairs. If a show needed stagehands, Havel and the sisters would offer to do housecleaning in kind.

Havel became so good at these arrangements, the theater company came out way ahead on every deal. This left him plenty of time not only to write and direct shows, but even create the costumes.

One time, during rehearsals for a Greek tragedy, Havel is backstage fitting the women for masks when in storm the government police to harass him for his political views.

“You can’t arrest him,” cries the Mother Superior. “We need him to run our theater.”

“You’ll just have find someone else,” says the cop.

“There is no one else! He’s the only one.”

“Really?” says the policeman. “The only theater director in Prague. What’s so special about him?”

“Can’t you see?” the woman replies. “He’s a Czech of all trades, and a masker of nuns.”

Dave’s Gone By Wretched Pun of Destiny #036 (5/16/2015): SALK

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The 36th Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired May 16, 2015 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.

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More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

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36
One afternoon, early in his career, Jonas Salk is so busy with his medical research that he forgets it’s Valentine’s Day. When a lab technician reminds him, Salk drops everything, runs to his car, and picks up his wife to give her a whirlwind romantic evening.

First, he stops at a florist and buys her a long-stemmed red rose. Then he brings her to an ice-cream parlor and gives her a strawberry cone—her favorite. Finally, he drives her to his lab and exhibits all his petri dishes, telling her, “one day this will change the world!”

His wife hugs him and says, “Jonas, I love you. But I have to say, this was a very unusual Valentine’s itinerary.”

“I know,” smiles the scientist. “I call it my `Spanish dinner plan.”

“Spanish dinner?” says Mrs. Salk. “You gave me a flower, an ice-cream cone, and a vaccine.

What does that have to do with Spanish food?”

“Darling,” Salk replies. “Haven’t you ever heard of A Rose Cone Polio?”

Dave’s Gone By Wretched Pun of Destiny #035 (5/9/2015): WEIGHTLIFTER

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The 35th Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired May 9, 2015 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.

All content (c)2015 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

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35.
“Doc,” says the professional weightlifter, “ya gotta help me with my problem. Every day, I follow the same routine for lunch and dinner. I eat two bowls of pasta so I can carbo-load, then I pee in a cup for my drug test.”

“Sounds perfectly fine,” says the doctor.

“Wait, this is where it gets weird. As soon as I close the cup, I start having this incredibly hot daydream about that financial woman on TV.”

“Suze Orman?”

“Yeah, her! And before I know it, my knees buckle and my pants get all sticky. It’s killing my energy.”

“Let me get this straight,” says the doctor. “Pasta, pee, Suze Orman fantasy, and then a discharge?”

“Right” says the weightlifter. “Is it serious?”

“Nah,” says the MD. “A lot of musclemen get this. We call it `Larry David Syndrome.’”

“’Larry David Syndrome’? What on earth does it have to do with that guy?”

“Well,” says the doctor, “I guess you’ve never heard of `Carb-Urine-Suzy-Gasm.’”

Dave’s Gone By Wretched Pun of Destiny #034 (5/3/2015): OPERETTA

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The 34th Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired April 4, 2015 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations.  For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.

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More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

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34.
On a break from shooting his latest film, Sean Penn flies to Hawaii to visit his favorite relatives: two spinster aunts who have lived together for decades.

Not only are they wonderful ladies, but they’ve done well in business together–right out of their basement–by selling authentic Hawaiian foods like macadamia nuts and poi and spam to customers around the world.

When Sean Penn gets to their house, however, he immediately calls the cops because he smells something bad at the front door. The police break in and make the tragic discovery that both women are dead from carbon monoxide poisoning. To get out of the cops’ way, the actor goes down to the basement–but that just makes him even more distraught because all the food there is infested with mice and vermin.

Soon, the CDC arrives, and neighbors are treated to the sight of health inspectors carrying out living and dead mice covered with remnants of Hawaiian food. One neighbor turns to the other and says, “You know, this makes me think of an operetta.”

“An operetta? What on earth are you talking about?”

“Well,” says the first guy. “haven’t you ever heard of `The Poi-Rats of Penn’s Aunts?”

Dave’s Gone By Wretched Pun of Destiny #033 (4/18/2015): HANGOVER

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Segment aired April 18, 2015 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.
All content (c)2015 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

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33.
A guy calls his best friend after overdoing it the night before. He says, “Hey bro, I need one of your patented hangover cures.”

“Sure,” says the friend. “Tell me what you drank, and I’ll tell you what to take.”

So the guy tells him, and the friend says, “No problem. You just need the Fairy Tale Cure.”

“The Fairy Tale Cure? What’s that?”

“You take a thick slice of gouda cheese, and around it you wrap a thin slice of smoked salmon. You eat that, and then you take three aspirin. That’s it.”

“That’s it?” says the guy. “Cheese, salmon, aspirin—great! But why is it called the `Fairy Tale Cure’?”

“Because,” says the friend, “haven’t you ever heard of Gouda, Lox and the Three Bayers?”