Tag: Wretched Pun

Dave’s Gone By Wretched Pun of Destiny #032 (4/11/2015): UBER

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The 32nd Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired April 4, 2015 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

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More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

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32.
When Uber was in its planning stages, the two founders were still college kids, and they had an even bigger idea than just creating a livery car service. First of all, they wanted all the dispatches coming from one central station, and that station would be located on a blimp hovering over the city like a roaming GPS. Also, the Uber guys wanted the cars to be able to warn drivers if they were approaching a dangerous place. For example, a car in New York would make a deep growl whenever you drove towards a high-crime zone. In the midwest, you’d be warned of an impending dust storm by the car making a loud hissing noise.

“I think we have amazing ideas,” says one Uber dude to the other, “but will anyone listen to us?”

“What do you mean?”

“We’re just a couple of frat boys. How do we get the world to take our ideas seriously?”

“It’s all in the marketing,” says the other. “We tell the truth, but we do it with a catchy slogan.”

“A catchy slogan?” says the friend. “We’re two college kids talking about putting a homing station in a blimp to track limousines that hiss at you in a dust storm. What slogan could we possibly use?”

“Let me think,” says the friend. “Aha! I’ve got it! Uber: One Station, Undergrad, in Dirigible, with Livery and Dust Hiss for All.”

Dave’s Gone By Wretched Pun of Destiny #031 (4/4/2015): CHESS MATCH

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The 31st Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired April 4, 2015 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.

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More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

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31.
During the Washington DC try-out for the original West Side Story, whenever Stephen Sondheim and Leonard Bernstein faced writers’ block, they’d play chess backstage. Actors, stagehands, and sometimes famous visitors were allowed to kibbitz or even sit in.

One night, playwright Edward Albee is in town, and during intermission, he agrees to a speed-chess game with Sondheim. Meanwhile, Bernstein sits nearby at a piano, trying desperately to come up with a love ballad for act one.

The chess match is even at first, but soon Sondheim gets the upper hand, with Albee swearing under his breath every time he loses a piece. At one point, while protecting his queen, the playwright loses a knight. “Damn,” he says. “Stupid horse.” Two plays later, Sondheim makes a bold move with his rook and takes the other knight. “Damn!” yells Albee. “I can’t believe I lost both of them.”

“That’s it!” shouts Leonard Bernstein at the piano. “Two Knights, Two Knights. Ed Albee Damned Two Knights.”

Dave’s Gone By Wretched Pun of Destiny #030 (3/28/2015): HORSE SHOW

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The 30th Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired March 28, 2015 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.

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More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
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30.
Organizers of the National Horse Show are very excited because for this year’s event, They plan to rename all their horses after late-night talk-show hosts. Then they draw lots to see which horse gets which name.

On the day of the race, all the thoroughbreds line up at the starting gate. First out is a middle-aged millionaire on a beautiful stallion. “I have David Letterman!” the rich man shouts as the horse takes off down the field.

Next out the gate is an attractive lady on an Arabian steed. “I have Jimmy Kimmel!” she says and rides off to do show jumping.

Next comes a dashing young owner on a draft horse. “I have Conan O’Brien!” he calls, cantering away. And then come Handler and Colbert and Daly until finally, a 97-year-old woman is at the last gate, sitting on an ancient nag. “He’s Jimmy Fallon,” she rasps, gently striking the horse with her whip. But the animal won’t move. “Come on,” shouts the woman, digging her heels into the horse’s sides, but again, the horse remains still.

The woman tries leaning forward, but she slips and sprawls across the horse’s back. Medics rush over and say, “Are you okay?”

She replies, “I’ve Fallon. And I Can’t Giddyup.”

Dave’s Gone By Wretched Pun of Destiny #028 (3/14/2015): LUCY

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The 28th Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired March 14, 2015 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast. All content (c)2015 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

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28.
Shortly after the end of “I Love Lucy,” Lucille Ball chose to appear in a Broadway musical.

Late in rehearsals, however, she found she was suffering from terrible stage fright and was worried she couldn’t go through with the show. So she visits her doctor and begs for a tranquilizer.

“I’ve got something even better,” the doctor says. “Take two of these every morning, and you’ll be all set. There may be some side effects, but nothing harmful.”

So Lucy thanks him and the next morning, she starts taking the pills. She feels fine, and rehearsal goes great, so she follows the doctor’s regimen. Everything’s perfect until one morning, she takes the pills and finds herself talking in Spanish. It wears off quickly, and rehearsal isn’t affected, but she feels worried.

The next morning, Lucy takes her pills, and during rehearsal, she can barely tear herself away from the orchestra pit, where all she wants to do is play the conga drums. The morning after that, she takes the pills, and the whole day, all she can think about is flying to Cuba.

Finally, the next morning, Lucy hurries back to her physician. “Doc,” she says, “you gotta change these crazy pills!”

“What’s wrong?” he says. “Didn’t they cure your stage fright?”

“Yes,” Lucy says, “but they made me talk Spanish, play conga drums, and obsess about Cuba. You’d think I was my ex-husband!”

“That’s understandable,” says the doctor. “It says right here in the bottle: `May Cause Desiness.’”

Dave’s Gone By Wretched Pun of Destiny #027 (2/28/2015): HURRICANE

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The 27th Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired Feb. 28, 2015 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.

All content (c)2015 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

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27.
Shalom, Dammit! this is Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches. Since it is Purim time, I am proud once again to be an honorary guest reader for The Wretched Pun of Destiny:

A terrible hurricane strikes the east coast, doing untold damage to the farmlands. Hearing about this, the first Jewish President cuts short her vacation to come survey the destruction.

First, she visits a sugarcane field in Louisiana, where the crop has been depleted by the storm.

“Oy,” she says. Then the she flies up to New York to see a cabbage farm that has been torn to shreds. “Oy,” says the President.

Finally, they drive her to Massachusetts to see the twisted remains of what had been a thriving vineyard. “Oy,” says the president once more.

The next morning at her press conference, a reporter asks, “Madame President, what were your thoughts on seeing what happened to the sugar and the cabbage and the grapes?”

“Well,” comes the reply. “Oy Cane, Oy Slaw, Oy Concord.”

Dave’s Gone By Wretched Pun of Destiny #025 (2/15/2015): DISCO

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The 25th Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired Feb. 14, 2015 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.

All content (c)2015 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

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25.
Against his better judgment, the warden of a small-town prison lets his most violent offender out early for good behavior. “Johnny,” he says, “my advice to you is leave this town, go the big city, and get yourself a hobby that’ll use up some of that nervous energy that always gets you into trouble.”

“Hobby?” says Johnny with sneer, “like fishing or stamp collecting?”

“Actually, I signed you up for dance lessons,” replies the warden. “You’ve always been light on your feet, and it might help you meet a higher class of people.”

So Johnny moves to the city, takes a menial job, and five times a week he visits the dance studio – loving every minute. He loves the grace, the aerobic workout and especially the costumes. When he does the tango, he gets to wear a hat and vest; when he learns tap, he can wear tap shoes and a bow tie. He even participates in African dance wearing a headdress and a grass skirt.

But a few weeks later, Johnny’s back in prison, possibly for life. The old warden from his hometown calls him saying, “Johnny, I heard you were doing so well with the dancing. What happened?”

Johnny says, “Tango was great, tap was amazing, and the African stuff was the best ever. But disco? You know, they made me wear a girdle to correct my posture for the disco pose. A girdle!”

“And that’s why you stabbed the instructor to death, destroying your new life in the big city? Because of disco dancing?”

“I’m sorry,” says Johnny. “I just couldn’t take the hustle and bustle.”

Dave’s Gone By Wretched Pun of Destiny #024 (2/7/2015): SCREENWRITER

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The 24th Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired Feb. 7, 2015 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.

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More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

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24.
A big Hollywood producer invites all his colleagues to his house. The occasion is a pre-release party for his latest film, a remake of the sci-fi classic, “Soylent Green.” As the opening credits begin, the screenwriter notices that the title had been changed to “People.”

He jumps out of his chair and yells at the producer, “How could you change the name without my permission?”

The producer says, “Sorry, the studio thought `Soylent Green’ was too obscure, so they made me change it.”

“And you obeyed? You coward!” the writer screams, leaping on the producer and pummeling him with his fists. Terrified, the producer runs up the stairs and dashes into the guest room, but the writer is right behind him. They tussle and eventually fall on the bed, which is piled high with the coats of all the party guests.

Meanwhile, the police are called, and they hurry to the guest room, where they see the producer now has the upper hand. He’s throttling the screenwriter within an inch of his life, and both of them are twisted up in all the coats and jackets on the bed.

“Okay, knock it off!” says the head policeman.

“Where am I?” says the screenwriter.

“You’re in fantasyland if you think you control my movie!”, says the producer.

“Enough!” shouts the policeman, pointing at one and then the other. “You’re Under a Vest. and You Have the Right to Rename Soylent.”

Dave’s Gone By Wretched Pun of Destiny #022 (1/25/2015): BROCCOLLI

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Segment aired Jan. 25, 2015 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.

All content (c)2015 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

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22.
A head of cauliflower and a head of broccoli are strolling through a field when they come upon a herd of donkeys. “Move, please,” says the cauliflower, but the donkeys won’t let them pass.

“Please move!” says the vegetable, a little louder, but again, the rude animals won’t budge.

“Let’s go find the leader,” the cauliflower tells his friend.

So they walk all around the herd until they find the head donkey, who’s obviously the leader because he wears an ermine robe and a crown over his ears. “Your highness,” begs the cauliflower, “we ask that you order your subjects to move!” But the king donkey just brays and completely ignores the intruders.

Fuming, the cauliflower strides up behind the donkey and, with all his might, kicks the mule in his nether parts. The donkey falls to the ground, writhing. At which point, the cauliflower jumps on the animal and beats him senseless. When he’s done, he lifts the crown off the burro’s head and, together, he and the broccoli carry it home as a trophy.

“That was amazing,” the broccoli gasps, “but don’t you think you went too far?”

“Nope,” says the cauliflower. “He was Ass King, Floret.”

Dave’s Gone By Wretched Pun of Destiny #021 (1/17/2015): PRODUCER

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The 21st Wretched Pun of Destiny aired Jan. 17, 2015 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.

All content (c)2015 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

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21.
A young female screenwriter lucks out and scores a meeting with the biggest producer in Hollywood. Her jealous colleagues don’t warn her, however, that he’s incredibly impatient and quite old-school sexist, and that she shouldn’t be surprised if he shows little interest in plot, character or dialogue but is mainly concerned with the tone and overall milieu of the story’s locations.

So the writer begins the pitch meeting by complimenting the producer on his many awards, but he cuts her off and says, “Skip all that, honey. Just get to the script.”

She starts reading the first page and the character list. “Skip that crap,” says the producer.  “What’s it about?”

Flustered, the actress begins explaining the movie’s synopsis. But 20 seconds in, the producer is at her again. “Skip the plot, sweetheart. They’re all the same; you know that.”

“Well, what about the dialogue? The love story? The action sequences?”

“Boring,” says the producer. “Just tell me about the sense of place.”

“Really?” says the actress. “You want me to ignore everything but the mise-en-scene?”

“Exactly!” says the producer. Or, as he sings: “Skip, Skip, Skip to Milieu, My Darling.”

Dave’s Gone By Wretched Pun of Destiny #020 (1/10/2015): THE BEATLES

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The 20th Wretched Pun of Destiny segment aired Jan. 10, 2015 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.
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More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

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20.
During their time in India, the Beatles are sent to a forest by the Maharishi. He instructs the lads to wander through the foliage and collect various foods to create their evening meal, with each Beatle responsible for a different course.

After their pilgrimage, the Fab Four gather in the kitchen of the ashram to share their finds and prepare their dishes. John Lennon goes first and says, “I’ve got all sorts of leaves and carrots and mushrooms, so I’ll prepare an amazing salad.”

Next up, Paul McCartney goes, “I’ve got mushrooms and leeks and all these herbs, so the soup’s on me.”

George Harrison then holds up two rabbits and says, “I caught these guys, and if you share some of your herbs and veggies, we all get a yummy stew for an entrée.”

Meanwhile, in the corner, Ringo is smiling beatifically, holding a basket brimming with marijuana plants. “Good job,” says John. “Nice to have a bit of hemp for an after-dinner smoke. But how does that help us with dessert?”

“I’ll tell you,” says Ringo. “I can make a big pie just by cutting off the top stalks of the plants.”

“Really?” says Paul. “You can bake a whole pastry from the tips of those leaves?”

Ringo replies, “Yes, I Get Pie with a Little Hemp from My Fronds.”