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Here is the 26th episode of the long-running radio show/podcast, Dave’s Gone By, which aired on NY’s WGBB-AM March 30, 2003.
host: Dave Lefkowitz guest: theater critic, Jeannie Lieberman
Featuring: Dave gets cultural and talks theater with critic Jeannie Lieberman. Plus it’s life during wartime with the satirical News Gone By and the Luther Zizland Sketch
00:00:01 DAVE GOES IN 00:21:00 DAVE’S GONE CULTURAL w/ Jeannie Lieberman 00:36:00 NEWS GONE BY 01:07:00 SKETCH: Luther Zizland 01:18:00 DAVE GOES OUT
March 30, 2003 Playlist: “I’m Your Man” (Leonard Cohen), “Mama Said Knock You Out” (LL Cool J), “Mercenaries” (John Cale).
Jeanne LiebermanOf course, you know, this means war.your host
Dave Lefkowitz interviews broadcaster Michael Artsis
Topics include: radio, television.
Segment originally aired March 23, 2003 as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode.
All content (c)2003 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
Click above to listen to the episode (audio only).
Here is the 25th episode of the long-running radio show/podcast, Dave’s Gone By, which aired on WGBB-AM March 23, 2003. More info: davesgoneby.com
host: Dave Lefkowitz guest: broadcaster Michael Artsis
Featuring: Dave chats with broadcaster Michael Artsis, Goes Off on Wall Street, gets political about Life During Wartime and sings “When Bushie Goes Marching In.” Plus: the satirical News Gone By.
00:00:01 DAVE GOES IN – Life During Wartime 00:05:00 DAVE GOES FURTHER IN – Spontaneous Talk 00:17:00 NEWS GONE BY (Code Orange Again; Bulldozers n’ Tractors; Pretzels n’ Goldfish; Light Cigarettes and Hot Ash) 00:45:00 DAVE GOES OFF on Wall Street 00:57:00 GUEST: Michael Artsis 01:16:00 DAVE GOES OUT
March 23, 2003 Playlist: “When Bushie Goes Marching In” (Dave, 55:00), “Shut Up, Be Happy” (Ice T w/ Jello Biafra, 2:00), “Masters of Revenge” (Ice T), “A-B-C” (How Now Dow Jones original Broadway cast).
Dave’s rah-rah ballad to mark the start of the war in Iraq.
Segment originally aired March 23, 2003, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode.
All content (c)2003 TotalTheater Productions. More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
WHEN BUSHIE GOES MARCHING IN
by David Lefkowitz (sung to “When Johnny Comes Marching Home” by Patrick Gilmore)
When Bushie goes marching in again Iraq, Iraq His useless dad can grin again Iraq, Iraq The job he botched in `91 Will get cleaned up by his evil song The fun begins as Bushie goes marching in.
It’s time to make the Muslims see Iraq, Iraq That they should live like you and me Iraq, Iraq That it is right and it is good To smoke and drink and eat fast food And to watch TV when Bushie goes marching in
Who flew the planes on 9-11? Iraq, Iraq And when the dirty deed was done Iraq, Iraq We blamed it on Osama bin Laden But soon his name was nearly forgotten Don’t look for sense when Bushie goes marching in.
The French, the Russians and Chinese Iraq, Iraq Make hypocritical calls for peace Iraq, Iraq But Bush and Cheney, they don’t care So what if they sacrifice Tony Blair? You can smell the sleaze everywhere When Bushie goes marching in
And if a few Americans die Iraq, Iraq If poison gas makes children cry Iraq, Iraq That’s just the price we pay, you know, For Haliburton’s portfolio It’ll go sky-high so Bushie goes marching in.
The more things change the more they don’t Iraq, Iraq With Bush in charge, they surely won’t Iraq, Iraq `Cause moguls do whatever they wanna When there’s a pax Americana It’s all death and dishonna When Bushie goes marching in When Bushie goes marching in When Bushie goes marching in When Bushie goes marching in . . . (fade)
Segment originally aired March 16, 2003, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast. Complete Original Broadcast: Full Episode
All content (c)2003 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
COVER’D WITH CRAP
When I was a sailor, I wore a fine cap And all the young maidens, they sat in me lap But then they’d jump up, and they’d leave with a slap `Cause me pants and me undies were covered with crap.
Cover’d with crap Cover’d with crap Oh, bring me a dish towel I’m cover’d with crap
I went to the doctor, he gave me a salve But that only worsened the ailment I have Me bowels keep churning all night and all day To drive all the people of Dublin away
“Away!,” they would say Their arms they would flap From the stink and the stench of me cover’d with crap
Cover’d with crap Cover’d with crap I canna wear white, `cause I’m cover’d with crap
I called up the daughter of old Mrs. Klein And over the phone, well, she liked me just fine I hoped that I’d soon get a taste of vagin’ But, alas, first I had to take her out to dine
We entered the restaurant without a mishap And greeted the maîtr d’ – quite a nice chap But soon he said, “You there, you’ll not eat a scrap; You’ll get us closed down, `cause you’re covered with crap!”
Cover’d with crap Cover’d with crap Each smear brings a tear when you’re cover’d with crap.
So now I’m an old man My life has grown thin I’ve no time for sailin’ or sportin’ or sin I wait for me heavenly rest to begin And hope that St. Peter will let this fool in
But I know too well hope is only a trap And I’m hearing those pearly gates close with a snap `Cause who wants an angel with poop in his lap, Brown wings, and a halo all covered with crap?
Cover’d with crap Cover’d with crap Eternity beckons all cover’d with crap.
Rabbi Sol Solomon sings a Purim song about the resilience of the Jews.
Segment originally aired March 16, 2003, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode
All content (c)2003 TotalTheater Productions. More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
DON’T MESS WITH US
If you try to kill the Jews Here’s a little piece of news: God will stop you, and he’ll drop you dead instead He got Hitler He got Haman And a dozen I’m not namin’ So don’t mess with the Jews Or you’ll lose
If your aim is genocide Then you’d better run and hide `cause HaShem will turn the tide until you drown Every exile and pogrom We’ve emerged triumphant from `Cause the Lord is our sword and our drum
So if you’re a neo-Nazi And you think you’re hotsy-totsy Or you’re blowing up civilians on a bus You had best leave us alone Or we’ll hora on your bones You’ll be stuck, Chuck, so don’t muck with us.
So listen here, you goyim Every girl and every boyim Anti-Semitism brings you only tears `Cause HaShem is in our corner He will make your mom a mourner For the sake of your kids Be a friend to the Yids Treat us nice, treat us well Or you’ll barbecue in hell It’s been like this for 5000 years.
Click above to listen to the episode (audio only).
Here is the 24th episode of the long-running radio show/podcast, Dave’s Gone By, which aired on NY’s WGBB-AM, March 16, 2003. More info: davesgoneby.com.
host: Dave Lefkowitz
Featuring: The history of St. Patrick’s Day; memories of Dublin; Seamus, The Urine Man; Irish music. The story of St. Patrick, and special guest Rabbi Sol Solomon making a whole megillah out of Purim. Also, News Gone By (Moron Moran; The Lost Little Whorehouse, Victoria’s Secret Dylan, the Defibrillators, stolen GEDs and Baseball Camp) and the story of Seamus, The Urine Man.
00:00:01 DAVE GOES IN (St. Patrick’s Day & Purim) 00:08:00 DAVE ON ST. PATRICK’S DAY 00:16:00 DAVE ON IRELAND 00:20:00 DAVE ON THE CLANCY BROTHERS 00:30:00 DAVE ON DUBLIN 00:36:00 DAVE ON IRISH POLITICS 00:45:00 NEWS GONE BY 01:06:00 RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S PURIMSPIEL 01:16:00 DAVE GOES OUT
March 16, 2003 Playlist: “Seamus the Urine Man” & “Sailor Song (Cover’d With Crap)” (Dave), “Don’t Mess With Us” (Rabbi Sol Solomon), “If I Should Fall From Grace With God” (Pogues, 14:00), “The Moonshiner” & “Paddy West” (Clancy Brothers), “I Am Enough for Myself” (Sinead O’Connor), “The Luck of the Irish” (John Lennon & Yoko Ono).
On a trip to Ireland, Dave and his wife encounter a legend who inspires Dave’s song, “Seamus, the Urine Man.”
Segment originally aired March 16, 2003, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast. Full Episode
All content (c)2003 TotalTheater Productions. More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
Recently back from Dublin, Dave sings of his encounter with an Irish legend.
Segment originally aired March 16, 2003, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode.
All content (c)2003 TotalTheater Productions. More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
SEAMUS THE URINE MAN
(sung a cappella)
Seamus the Urine Man, the Urine Urine Man
There’s a shop in Dublin town You should stop and look around You’ll find candy, toys, and smokes And a gentle Irish bloke
Seamus the Urine Man, the Urine Urine Man
Though he is a fine old soul His bladder, he cannot control So lift your nose and sniff the air You’ll smell something mighty queer . . .
Seamus the Urine Man, the Urine Urine Man
When old Seamus takes a whiz He will whiz, wherever he is!
Seamus the Urine Man, the Urine Urine Man
Seamus is a merry fellow Splashing in his pool of yellow. Never does he take a break He’ll make and make and make and make and make and make
Seamus the Urine Man, the Urine Urine Man
He’s guaranteed to amuse Stand too close, he’ll soak your shoes! Seamus the Urine Man, the Urine Urine Man
When ol’ Seamus eats an egg Yolk starts running down his leg He don’t care for fame or money Long as he’s all warm and runny They call him “yellow fellow” (quite a stink!)
Seamus the Urine Man, the Urine Urine Man
Best to back away a little Else you’ll get a spray of piddle He gets wetter than the Navy Shooting out his penis gravy (are you enjoying your meal?)
Seamus the Urine Man, the Urine Urine Man
Every night he prays to Jesus To renew his enuresis He lies down to rest his head And wakes up in a waterbed
Seamus the Urine Man, the Urine Urine Man Seamus the Urine Man, the Urine Urine Man. Seamus the Urine Man, the Urine Urine Man.
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This skit, an early version of what would become Rabbi Sol Solomon’s Rabbinical Reflections, first aired March 16, 2003 on the 24th episode of the Dave’s Gone By radio program.
(c)2003 David Lefkowitz & Rabbi Sol Solomon
Shalom, Shalom oovrachah, everyone, and chag sameach [happy holiday]. Happy Purim to all of you!
Oy, it was such a long, miserable, goyische winter; it’s time we had a little happiness in our lives. A bit of craziness! Drinking and eating of sweets and turning the whole world a little tohu vavohu—topsy turvy—to celebrate our continued survival on the planet.
I’m Rabbi Sol Solomon on Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York, and I wanna thank Dave Lefkowitz, the host of Dave’s Gone By, for having me back on the show.
Last time, I was here in December for another happy holiday, Chanukah, which too many secular Jews mistake for being just a Yiddish version of Christmas. Well, now all I hear is people calling Purim a Hebraic adaptation of Halloween. Ptooey! Wrong and wrong again! Purim is its own happy holiday; it doesn’t need John Carpenter for validation.
The story of Purim in a nutshell is this: the King of Persia got angry at his first wife, so he killed her. Single again, he went looking around for a shiskeh goddess to be wife number two. Just like in Cinderella, he found her—only, she wasn’t what he thought she was. Her name was Esther, and she was being raised by her uncle, Mordecai. Morty told her, “Look, when you meet the king, be on the safe side: don’t tell him you’re Jewish.”
“Nu, vu den?” [what then?] said Esther. “My name’s Esther, and yours is Mordecai. It’s not like we can pass for Irish.”
“I dunno. Say you’re Presbyterian. And for God’s sake, don’t show him your Lord & Taylor gift certificate!”
So, Esther played it cool, and soon enough she was queen of the land. And Uncle Mordecai visited Esther often. And he kept reminding her: “Remember, if you get your nails done more than three times a week, he’s gonna suspect.”
Mordecai even foiled an assassination attempt on the King by two of his servants. Morty warned Esther, Esther warned her husband, and the plotters were hanged. So Mordecai and Esther were doing fine…except: Esther was not the King’s chief advisor. That position went to a fellow in the Amalak tribe, a man by the name of Haman (spins grogger). Yes, Haman (spins grogger). Haman was a motherf — (spins grogger). A wicked man. A vain man. As the King’s Henry Kissinger, he expected everyone to bow down to him, including Esther’s Uncle Mordecai. But Morty said, “Sorry, I will not bow to you. I bow only before God and my proctologist. And at least God trims His fingernails.”
This got Haman (spins grogger) so mad, he craved revenge not only on Mordecai—who I guess he didn’t realize was Esther’s uncle—but all the Jews in the kingdom. So he drew lots. In fact, he drew lots and lots of lots to determine which day all of the Jews in Persia should be annihilated. And by the way, the word “Purim” means “lots” in old Persian.
Anyway, it turns out that astrologically, the 14th of Adar was the most salubrious day. He actually looked in the horoscope in the Persian Post. It said, “You will make many short-term enemies. Don’t mind them! It’s a great day for a holocaust. However, your love life is still dormant and will remain so for some time. Don’t wear purple.”
Haman (spins grogger) then went to the King and told him all these terrible lies about the Jews: “Oy, they own the media! Oh, they have undue influence calling for a war with Mesopotamia! Oh, they’re ruining Michael Jackson’s career!” All these horrible slanders which the King believed. His Highness, never one to turn down the opportunity for some bloodletting, went along with his advisor’s plan for genocide.
Mordecai heard this and went meshuggah, crying and screaming and tearing his clothes and warning that all the Jews were gonna die. Esther got wind of it and told him, “Calm down. Tell everybody to fast for three days. Pray for me. Pray for all of us.”
She was nervous because a queen isn’t allowed to summon a king. It’s an offense punishable by—you got it—wifeicide. But after the fast, Esther goes to the King and invites him to a big banquet. Typical man, he hears the word “food,” and he’s thrilled to be alive. So they have the feast, and the King notices Mordecai there. So does Haman (spins grogger). The King is then reminded that Mordecai once saved his tuchas. So before evil Haman (spins grogger) can ask the King to kill Mordecai, the King tells him to dress Mordecai like a royal hero and lead him through the streets in a parade. Gritting his teeth, Haman (spins grogger) does what he’s told.
The next night, another banquet, and this time, Esther says the magic words, “Guess who married a Jew? You! And guess what else. There’s a guy in your employ who wants to murder me and all my tribe.”
“Who?” says the KIng. “That Chief of Homeland Security?”
“No,” replied Esther. “Your closest advisor. You know his name. It starts with an `h.’ It’s not Hubert. It’s…HAMAN!” (spins grogger)
Well, that did it for the Haymaster; he was hung on the same gallows he had built for Mordecai. And all ten sons of Haman (spins grogger) were hung. A couple were well-hung, but that’s something different. Mordecai was made prime minister and given a directive that the Jews could defend themselves against anyone who tried to vanquish them.
It all happened on the 14th day of the month of Adar—Purim day. A day the Jews could have been butchered but instead were spared and celebrated. So Mordecai declared it an annual feast day, which over the years has come to include lots of drinking and wearing costumes and masks.
Mordecai also started the custom of giving money to the poor and giving gifts of food and candy, called “shalach manos,” to our neighbors. That’s why it’s different from Halloween; the kids go door to door giving people treats rather than taking. No wonder they grow up cranky.
But seriously, in the synagogue we read the story of Esther, called “The Megillah,” first word to last. We dance around, and, as you’ve heard, make a tremendous amount of noise when we hear the name of that megillah gorilla…Haman! (spins grogger) It’s to blot out his name, to erase him from our thoughts and from our history. Esther and Mordecai, however, are among the most beloved figures in Jewish lore, which leads me to this limerick:
There once was a hero named Mordecai
An upstanding mensch, and a sporty guy
His clever instruction
saved Jews from destruction
and gave them permission to fortify!
And now, get your singing caps on! Time for a little music. A tune I came up with, if you want to sing along. I love the title: “Don’t Mess with Us.”
“If you try to kill the Jews
here’s a little piece of news
God will stop you and he’ll drop you dead instead.
He got Hitler, He got Haman
and a dozen I’m not namin’
So don’t mess with the Jews `cause you’ll lose.
If your aim is genocide
then you better run and hide
`cause HaShem will turn the tide until you drown
Every exile and pogrom
we’ve emerged triumphant from
`cause the Lord is our sword and our drum.
So if you’re a neo-Nazi
and you think you’re hotsy-totsy
or you’re blowing up civilians on a bus
You had best leave us alone
or we’ll hora on your bones
You’ll be stuck, Chuck, so don’t muck with us.
So listen here, you goyim,
every girl and every boyim
anti-Semitism brings you only tears
`cause HaShem is in our corner
He will make your mom a mourner
For the sake of your kids
be a friend to the Yids
Treat us nice, treat us well
or you’ll barbecue in hell
It’s been like this for 5,000 years.
Yagadagadagadee badabaaay
buh buh buh buh bum
Yoyboybaybay daybaybayba
yubuhbuhbuh bum. Hoi!”
So, yes, on this holiday I’m here to spread some joy, to celebrate this merry holiday with music and humor and my basic undercurrent of rage. No, I’m kidding. You can’t get upset on Purim; it’s a wonderful day! And it’s a bigger deal in Eretz Yisroel than it is here. Everyone gets into the spirit. A nice boychick who was in Israel last Purim wrote on his website, “It’s a nationally celebrated party, and everyone is invited! Indeed, it is not uncommon to see rabbits, angels, and Harry Potters sitting at the bus stop or wandering around the supermarket. Nor is it unusual to pass by wizards, policemen, or monsters in the street without a second thought. At one carnival extravaganza, there were flamethrowers, singers and dancers, and I’m sure there were also the ultimate Jewish lifeline, jokes:
The year is 2015 and the situation is grim. The earth’s ozone layer has eroded to where the ice caps are melting and the entire world is about to flood. All the major religions call enclaves on how to lead the people through the crisis. The Pope issues a statement that Catholics should write out a long confession and beg Jesus for salvation. The Protestant church urges its follows to eat only vegetables and cleanse themselves for the final judgment. The Muslim clerics order their people to fast all day and pray from morning to night. The head rabbis argue for an hour. And then they immediately start giving lessons on how to live underwater.
That’s what it’s all about for us: survival. Belief, but pragmatism. Prayer and practicality.
I want to wish you all a Purim sameach [happy].A glorious springtime. May we all have peace—or at least a great piece of hamentaschen. This is Rabbi Sol Solomon saying shalom oovrachah from every one of me to every one of you.
Dave’s rah-rah ballad to mark the start of the war in Iraq.
