Rabbinical Reflection – Page 6

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #63 (4/14/2013): Jew in a Box

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RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #63 (4/14/2013): Jew in a Box

Aired April 14, 2013 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube clip: http://youtu.be/r95LRvs7oUk

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of April 14th, 2013.

What’s even creepier than a jack-in-the-box? A Jew-in-a-box. What’s creepier than a Jew-in-a-box? A Jew in a box in a museum in Germany. No, they’re not doing a revival of “Man in the Glass Booth” – though they should, because I hear Gilbert Gottfried is available. No, instead, the Jewish Museum in Berlin – I know, Berlin is a Jewish Museum, or is that mausoleum? – anyhow, the Jewish Museum of Berlin has an exhibit about Jews called “The Whole Truth.” And they’ve got funny yarmulkes and displays about Kosher cooking and circumcisions – hopefully not the same display.

But the exhibit garnering the most attention and controversy – to the point that the New York Times featured it last week – was of a live Jewish man sitting in a glass box. This young man sits on a little cushion, takes questions, and is just observed by visitors to the museum. Responses to this bit of performance art ranged from whimsical appreciation to scoffs about bad taste. One woman said her ancestors spent enough time in German boxcars, she didn’t need to see a living Jew in a terrarium.

I am mostly on the side of the museum in this. I’m for anything that rubs the Germans’ faces in Forties. But the exhibit also asks a legitimate question: after the Holocaust and the near-annihilation of every Jew in the region, how does the country respond to a new crop of Yiddlach living and working in their midst?

You might ask: Rabbi, aren’t you shocked by the idea of displaying a middle-class Jew in a Lucite case, or, as one might call it, Peasant Under Glass? The answer is no. Every other city has a Holocaust museum now. Pretty soon they’ll have drive-in McDachaus. So to make an impact, you need to do something startling and transgressive. Let’s not forget, the Shoah began in earnest on Kristallnacht – the night of broken glass. So putting a Jew behind glass has a little bit of the “nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah, you can’t get me” about it.

More importantly, though, isolating the Jewish person this way makes a statement about how people of any culture view outsiders. Pass by a bum sleeping on the streets of New York; how do you look at him? Kind of like a tarantula in a zoo exhibit. It’s ugly, unsettling, fascinating from a distance, but you wouldn’t want to find it in your bathroom. Go look at the crowds in San Francisco’s Chinatown. If you’re Chinese, they’re kin; if you’re not Chinese, it’s like watching ants. Well, slant ants. And how do WASPs look at Somalian workers in Colorado? The same way Jews look at shiksehs in Loehmann’s. Aliens among us.

Put another way, we’re all living under someone else’s glass box. Say you’re a stranger knocking on my container, and you say, “Hi. Tell me about yourself.” We might start talking and sharing experiences until – gasp, great revelation – you’re just like me, and I’m just like you – well, maybe not exactly like you because I have a foot fungus thing that my dermatologist is checking into, but other than that . . .

I do think the Jewish Museum in Berlin missed an opportunity with “The Whole Truth” if they’re trying to display an average Jew. For sociological purposes, why not put the Hebrew in his natural habitat? Don’t plunk him in a sterile cube, show him in a delicatessen asking for more coleslaw. Show him at an Orioles game deciding whether to go to the bathroom at the bottom of the sixth or wait till the seventh-inning stretch.

Show him at a Young Israel mixer deciding whether the girl with the diet Coke is worth dancing with or should he take a run at the skinnier chick who’ll probably shoot him down but just might be on the rebound and therefore needy. These are the true quandaries facing Jews in the modern age.

Should the museum ever ask me, I would be happy to participate in their exhibit, even in the glass box. Just give me a plate of herring, a Dr. Brown’s cream and a five-ounce nasal spray, and let the young Berliners come. If they ask me, “What is it like being a Jew in today’s Germany?” I would just say, “Wouldn’t your great grandparents like to know.”

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York.

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=28989

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #55 (2/3/2013): Oldies but Goodies 

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RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #55 (2/3/2013): Oldies but Goodies

Aired February 2nd, 2013 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-rWYhZ0sCBo

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of February 3rd, 2013.

We are such a disposable society, any story – from a terrible flood to a bear lumbering into a shopping center – any event is good for two news cycles, and then it’s on to the next. We had a fiscal cliff – “Oy, the fiscal cliff, the fiscal cliff, the fiscal cliff!” Until some lunatic shot up a dayschool. Then it was “gun control, gun control, gun control!” Until next week, when it’s – Oh, I dunno, Chris Brown beating Rihanna again.

And the old 15 minutes of fame is now four minutes. Unless it’s an embarrassing or criminal kind of fame, in which case you get a show on VH-1 and live in perpetuity on Vimeo.

Our cultural motto is “What have you done for me lately?” And if lately is more than six months ago, we don’t even stay for the answer. So it’s heartening to find to find one trend bucking the trend. (And if you’ve ever had your trend bucked, you know just how pleasurable that can be.) The trend is for dinosaurs to roam the earth again. And by dinosaurs, I mean the great rock-and-roll stars of the `60’s.

When the entertainment community sought a charitable response to Hurricane Sandy, whom did they turn to? This week’s flavor of the month? No. Paul McCartney, the Rolling Stones, The Who. People whose combined ages would make Methuselah go, “Damn, they’re getting up there.”

At the benefit, Sir Paul rocked out with the members of Nirvana who weren’t driven to suicide by their wives. The Rolling Stones played two songs – which doesn’t sound like a lot, but in concert, that’d be 85 dollars worth right there. And then you had The Who – who reminded us how lucky Horton was to hear them. Yes, Roger Daltrey’s bare chest looked like the underside of a roasted ham, but the rest of him rocked out. And nobody does a windmill like Pete Townshend. Well, maybe the Dutch.

Anyhoo, around the same time, all the members of Led Zeppelin who didn’t drink 40 consecutive shots of Absolut were making the talk-show circuit with a DVD. Neil Young was putting out new music with Crazy Horse, David Bowie was finishing up a new album, and Paul Simon’s planning an Australian tour.

And yet there are grumblers who say that these people are all past their prime and should have retired long ago. Their voices are shot, all their best songs are three decades old, and fans are paying big bucks for diminished returns. In many cases this is true. If you go see Bob Dylan on his never-ending tour, you’re not getting 1966 electric Dylan and the Band; you’re getting 2013 eccentric Dylan and the bland. But that’s not just a function of age. Bob Dylan’s been giving shitty concerts since 1978. And 20, 30 years ago, a bad night could be infuriating. But now?

Is it enough to just see Zimmerman stand there onstage, mumble through a dozen classics and then give everyone hearing damage from his overmiked harmonica? You’re damn right it’s enough, because he’s still here, and we’re lucky to have him. Same with all these groups. If the Rolling Stones can’t make another “Goat’s Head Soup” – because they don’t have enough teeth to chew goat meat anymore; if David Bowie’s Ziggy Stardust rises and falls – and can’t get up; if Leonard Cohen sings “Hallelujah” because he made it to the toilet before soiling his Huggies; if Paul McCartney sings “Help!” less often than he presses his Life Alert for help, if Neil Young has a heart of gold – and a hip of titanium; it’s still nice when they make albums. It’s what they do.

Retirement comes hard to artists, especially if they don’t want to become an oldies act, or even if they do. I guess patient zero in this case history is Frank Sinatra. By his final concerts, he was forgetting lyrics, repeating songs, stumbling over the fine line between indulgence and embarrassment. But ask anybody who went if they’d have missed a second of it. If they wouldn’t gladly sit through 90 minutes of, “Well, that’s what he’s like now” to be reminded for just five, “ahh, that’s what he was like then.”

So hail to the dinosaurs who walk among us. If their joints creak a little when they stomp, well, so do mine. And if they wanna make a little more noise before they go extinct, that’s not a shame, it’s a gift. With all due respect to Neil Young, the great ones don’t have to burn out or fade away. Just play.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York.

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=29244

Dave’s Gone By Skit: Rabbi Sol Solomon’s Rabbinical Reflection #54 (1/27/2013): THE BATTLE OF ALGIERS

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Rabbi Sol Solomon’s Rabbinical Reflection #54 (1/27/2013): THE BATTLE OF ALGIERS

Aired January 26, 2013 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YnXLGyFEdC0

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of January 26th, 2013.

Let’s say I go to the supermarket and buy a box of donuts. “Why am I eating that?”, you ask. “Well,” I say, “donuts are a health food.” “Health food?” I hear you gasp. “But they’re loaded with sugar and white flour.” “Yes, but they’re a health food,” I reply. “But they’re glazed with chocolate coating made out of corn syrup,” you counter. “I don’t care, they’re a health food,” I persist. “But look at the box!” you yell. “Half the ingredients are red dyes and preservatives and fiberglass insulation.” “You’re making wayyy too much of that,” I say. “Donuts are a health food.”

And now you start screaming, “But if you eat donuts, you get fat, your teeth rot, eventually you’ll risk heart disease and diabetes.” “Oh, don’t be so politically incorrect,” I say. “Donuts are a health food.”

Sounds crazy, right? Like I should have my head examined for not admitting what’s plainly in front of my face – or in my stomach.

Fine. How many times have we heard left-wing pundits and middle-east apologists say that Islam is the religion of peace? That’s the big slogan – religion of peace. And no amount of 9/11’s or Munichs or Lockerbies or Benghazis will convince these people that maybe Islam isn’t such a friendly how-do-ya-do.

“Oh, it’s just a small faction; it’s just the radicals,” comes the response. True. The millions and millions of Muslims in this world aren’t out there blowing up embassies any more than every NRA member is out there shooting up schools. However, no other religion since Christianity in the Middle Ages has caused so much needless, vicious and sociopathic bloodshed. Except, perhaps, the Death to Disco Movement of the 1970s, but they had a point.

So this time, the horror springs from Algeria – instead of Iran or Pakistan or Egypt or Syria – or, well, point to a map of the Middle East and find an Arab country that isn’t a killing field. Last week, a hostage crisis in Algeria resulted in more than two dozen civilian dead, including one American. Plus, 32 dead hostage takers, or, as I like to call them, refuse.

The Algerian government is being blamed for jumping the gun on its rescue mission. After three days of a bloody stand-off, Algerian troops stormed the gas plant that was under siege – which resulted in pretty much everyone dying. Mainly because the terrorists began executing the hostages once the fun started.

Other countries are now saying, “Oh, we weren’t informed, we could have done it better, we could have ended this with more survivors, blah di bloo di blah.” Algeria’s position is, “Sorry, we don’t negotiate with terrorists.” And to that, may I add, especially not terrorists who are killing the hostages anyway, who are strapped to the gills with explosives, and who come from a radical culture where suicide is the expected outcome of a violent event. Kind of tough to negotiate with someone who actually wants you to shoot him. It’s like going up to an alcoholic at a party and saying, “Look, I can either drive you home, or I can pour you another scotch.” That’s a win-win either way for the booze-hound.

Terrorists are sick, desperate people who can be dealt with in only the most extreme, desperate ways. Like full-on raids, waterboarding and being forced to watch “Teen Mom 2.”

We can mince words all we want so as not to offend Saudi Arabia and Qatar and UAE and other countries that could afford to buy the Statue of Liberty and sell it back to us in pieces. However, until every country, east and west, takes full action in crushing radical, violent Islam, we’re just gonna get more Algerias, more World Trade Centers, more Koran-concocted carnage. Just ask Israel, which has endured sixty years of anti-Semitism and anti-Americanism disguised as Palestinian nationalism. Israel realizes: the only way to say “no more” is to say, “no,” more. And that means, when terrorism rears its ugly covered head, you gotta put the religion of peace in a world of pain.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York.

(c) 2013 TotalTheater. All rights reserved.
–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=29250

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #48 (12/9/2012): Chanukah

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RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #48 (12/9/2012): Chanukah

Aired December 8, 2012 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube clip: http://youtu.be/E8lvJUkZOQs

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of December 9th, 2012.

Happy Chanukah everybody! What a joy to find ourselves lighting the menorah, spinning the dreidel, eating the latkes, and making believe we’re not jealous of the people across the street celebrating Christmas. December, the very fulcrum of winter, is the perfect time for a holiday that brings us all together for food and fun. Actually, January would be better because December is still close to Thanksgiving and you have more football, but I’m not one to bitch.

To be honest, Chanukah is not the most important holiday. Passover, when we got the hell out of Egypt, that was bigger. Shavuot, where God gave us the Torah – that’s a big one, too. Yom Kippur, where we beg HaShem to forget what a bunch of schmucks we are, pretty major. Chanukah merely celebrates a military victory. Jerusalem was under the control of Syrians and Greeks who forbade the practice of Judaism. Matisyahu – not the reggae, the rebel – Matisyahu and his family rebelled, killed a few people, and took to the hills for training. They came back as an army and forced the Greeks out of the Holy Land.

When Jews went to re-claim the great temple, they saw that it had been defiled. Pigs were slaughtered on the altar. False idols were placed in positions of worship. A giant screen was tuned to QVC. The Jews immediately set about purifying the synagogue. And they probably also repainted a little because there was chipping and you could see the primer. Anyhoo, they started to burn some ritual oil in the candelabra. There was only a teeny bit left, so they figured it would burn for a day or two. What a shock when that minuscule drop of oil stayed lit for eight full days. I had an uncle who stayed lit for ten days, but it took him a case of Jack Daniels to do it. Eight days was just long enough to re-consecrate the temple, long enough to make our children say, “Eh, it’s just chocolate money, but we get it for a week!”

What is the modern significance of Chanukah? What do we learn from this Festival of Lights? First of all, we learn that you can do almost anything if you put your mind to it. One Jewish family defied the laws of the land and created a revolution. Instead of bowing before the Greeks – because we all know, Greeks like it when people bend over – they triumphed as the Maccabees. “Mac” because they became the Syrians’ mac daddies; “bees” because they stung the enemy in the tuchas.

We also learn that miracles happen if you let a little faith go a long way. Have you ever bought a lightbulb that was supposed to last a year, and a decade later, the thing’s still working? It happens. In the hands of HaShem, time is a malleable construct. Sometimes, when I give a sermon, people tell me they look at their watch and it’s been twenty minutes – but it feels like seven hours. A miracle!

Most importantly, we learn from the Chanukah holiday that things can look as bleak and horrible as the schmutz on the bottom of a toaster oven. But HaShem gives us the blessing of change. To quote Bob Dylan, “The wheel’s still in spin.” 2,200 years ago, the Temple was trashed and out of Jewish hands, and then, a week later, it’s ready for kosher catering. So when we look at the crisis in the middle east, or the fiscal cliff, or the music of Kid Rock, we have to say, “It’s all right. The world turns, and nothing truly lasts forever. Except an Orthodox seder.”

But that’s a different holiday. This one is Chanukah with candles and dreidels and latkes and Adam Sandler and jelly donuts and, thanks to fracking, enough oil to last eight centuries.

Dreidel dreidel dreidel,
I made you out of plexiglass.
And if you don’t like Chanukah,
Then you can kiss my sexy ass.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York.

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=29312

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #46 (10/7/2012): Dave’s Gone By Anniversary

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RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #46 (10/7/2012): Dave’s Gone By Anniversary

Aired October 7, 2012 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube clip: Dave’s Gone By Anniversary.

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of October 7th, 2012.

Ten years ago, on a little radio station in Merrick, New York, my good friend Dave Lefkowitz took it upon himself to create a radio program. A program that would mix funny and serious, music and talking, celebrities and nobodies, all with a healthy dose of low-power, AM radio static. He called it “Dave’s Gone By,” and the program debuted October 6th, 2002.

Reaction was immediate. Not since the invention of the Happy Hot Dog Man has an event been met with such a breathtaking combination of loathing and apathy. And yet Dave persevered, week after week, month after month (and on the Hebrew calendar, we sometimes have 13 months a year, so that’s even longer), year after year until here we are, a decade later. For reasons only HaShem knows, Dave’s Gone By is still on the radio, still maintaining its unique format, still passing for entertainment.

Many Jews have been guests on Dave’s Gone By. Not as many as I’d like, but still. Fyvush Finkel, Bruce Adler, Shecky Greene, Robby Benson, Gilbert Gottfried, Bonnie Franklin, Joe Franklin, Tovah Feldshuh – with that name, she actually counts as two Jews – Neil Sedaka, Jill Sobule, Theodore Bikel, Oscar Brand, David Bromberg, Sheldon Harnick – the list goes on and on, much as I do in temple.

Most importantly, though, ten years ago I was in that dilapidated little radio station taking part in the very first Dave’s Gone By episode. Before I began doing my weekly Rabbinical Reflections, Dave would have me on his program occasionally to celebrate the Jewish holidays, to offer my thoughts on current events, and to perform the occasional circumcision on his political enemies.

I remember my very first appearance on the show. As a public service for women listening in the audience, I explained the importance of checking yourself for breast cancer. I even demonstrated, squeezing my own man-kneidels to look for lumps. I would have preferred a female volunteer but no one entered the contest, and the last girl I tried that with screamed “rape,” so I made do with what I had.

Since that time in 2002, I have appeared on dozens of Dave’s Gone By episodes conducting interviews, singing, bestowing blessings, and every single time I am grateful to my friend, Dave, for giving me the opportunity to reach his loyal single-digit listenership. Now that he is on this exciting radio station at the University of Northern Colorado, I hope to keep sharing my Rabbinical Reflections for many years to come, offering, as always, a little thought, a little laughter, and a lot of yelling.

That is why I would like to close today’s reflection with a special blessing for Dave and his radio show.

(sings) Baruch atah Duvid Lefkowitz, entertainer, melech of the mic. You make no money but you persevere. You’re the bagel, I’m the shmear. We’re all glad you’re here. Amen.

Happy Anniversary, Duvid. And good luck finding a real job someday.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York.

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #45 (9/30/2012): Subway Savagery

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RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #45 (9/30/2012): Subway Savagery

Aired September 29, 2012 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube: http://youtu.be/5EnyHNhpAwA

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of September 30th, 2012.

When was the last time you gave a rat’s tuchas about a subway advertisement? You’re walking on the platform at 42nd Street or 14th Street, and what do you pass? There’s an ad for a new horror movie that looks horrible. There’s an ad for a new Kevin James film that looks even more horrible than the horror movie. Then you get those ads from the MTA warning you to watch the gap or if you see something, say something. Which is ridiculous, because if you spoke out every time you saw something weird or scary on the subway, you’d never shut up!

But this past week has put the New York subways in the news in a way they haven’t been since those flash mobs had people climbing aboard wearing no pants. How I missed that, I do not know. I keep hoping I’ll see women with no pants on the M-4 bus, but no luck. I’ve seen one or two pantsless men, but that was not a political statement, those were homeless guys getting too friendly with my leg.

Anyhoo, this week, an organization called the American Freedom Defense Initiative won the legal right to put up posters in the New York subway system. In big white letters on a black background, they have this quote: “In any war between the civilized man and the savage, support the civilized man,” unquote. Underneath, in blue letters, it says, “Support Israel.” Under that, in red letters, “Defeat Jihad.”

As you might expect, a firestorm of controversy has greeted this ad campaign, with Arabs freaking out, and Jews who are afraid of Arabs freaking out even more. Now, it’s hard to argue with the basic message: When you have one country that is a friend to the United States and is the only democracy in the middle east, you have to support it. When you have an ideology that is bent on destroying Western civilization through fear, violence and torture, it’s probably a good idea to oppose it.

First, let’s put the quote in context. It originally comes from novelist Ayn Rand, a Jewish Russian who wrote two great and very, very, very, very, very, very long books called “Atlas Shrugged” and “The Fountainhead.” In 1973, Rand was upset about the Yom Kippur War – you know, the one where the Arabs attacked Israel on the holiest day of the year? And she made some seriously anti-Arab remarks that went a lot farther than the 18 words paraphrased in the subway ad. Still, considering the circumstances, her anger and racism were, if not excusable, certainly understandable in context.

And it’s hard to argue with the text of the ad. “Jihad” means religious war. It is the struggle of Muslims against anything remotely threatening to their way of life. Unfortunately, that could be anything from defending the ancient Byzantine Empire to putting a price on Salman Rushdie’s head. Or worse, cutting off Theo Van Gogh’s head.

And let’s not forget that happy little day in September 2001 when Al Qaida decided to teach America a lesson in religious tolerance and brotherhood.

But okay, I am not immune to the subtleties of language. If you call one group savages, and then you say “support Israel,” there is a coded message that over-generalizes. Even though the advertisement doesn’t say all Muslims are savages, there’s still a nasty undertone. It’s like when people say Midwesterners won’t get a joke because it’s too New York – we know what they really mean.

And so, the call has gone out to take the posters down, Arab-American protesters have been arrested for spray-painting over them, twats are tweeting on their twitters that the ad is just throwing gasoline on the fires of racial intolerance from both sides.

How do I feel about the whole thing? Thank you for asking. First of all, I agree with the message of the poster 100 percent, but only IF we take Jihad to mean the darkest, worst part of the Muslim credo. Others have pointed out that “holy war” does not have to be violent, and that an Arab rejecting a ham sandwich is obeying Jihad, just the way a Jew rejecting bacon is obeying Kashrut. Except the Jew has it harder because bacon is soooo good.

The wording of the sign is inflammatory, or at least uncomfortable, especially in the subway. It’s an underground, closed-in space, and if I were standing next to a Muslim next to that sign, I’d feel ooky – just as ooky as I do when I’m on the train and some asshole bellows a verse of “Amazing Grace” hoping people will give him money so he won’t sing the second verse.

There are better places and better ways to make the case for defending Israel, and for keeping our guard up against the Ahmadinejads and the Mullahs – and the Bin Ladens and the Arafats and the small number of Arab Muslims who force us to hate and fear the millions of Muslims who are not savages. Well, except when they’re watching soccer.

If only they would change the sign to read, “Support Israel. Stop Terrorism.” Or, “Support Peace, Ban the Taliban.” Something we can all get behind. In any war between the subtext and the urtext, be careful with both.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York.

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=29327

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #39 (3/25/2012): Rave Review!

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RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #39 (3/25/2012): Rave Review!

Aired March 24, on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube clip: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AONO3DfOp1k&t=141s

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of March 25th, 2012.

Well, I am back in Colorado after doing my big, whopping, $1.98 off-off-off-off-off-off-Broadway show: Shalom Dammit! An Evening with Me, Rabbi Sol Solomon. We did five performances at the Richmond Shepard Theater, a playhouse so off the beaten path, the Bermuda Triangle goes there to vacation.

But somehow, people made it to the theater on East 26th Street. They came to see me talk about Jewish life, religion, the middle east, assimilation, the Holocaust and other hilarious topics for a night at the theater. My musical director, Richard Shore, and I, had a marvelous time rehearsing, playing, cutting, trimming, making the best show we possibly could for the least amount of money we could possibly get away with.

Well, my friends, there is no accounting for taste, which is why I am shocked but delighted to say that Shalom Dammit! the stage show received its first review – and it’s a rave! And not like one of those raves where teenagers lick yellow decals and then start shtupping the walls – no! Our show in New York got a review so good, I’d like to cover it with sour cream and eat it with a soup spoon.

It’s by Elizabeth Ahlfors, of CityCabaret.com, and it’s published on TotalTheater.com. Now: full disclosure – Dave Lefkowitz, the host of this show, also works for TotalTheater.com and he edits the writing of Elizabeth Ahlfors for publication. Their dealings are purely professional, so apart from some bribery money changing hands, her review is absolutely heartfelt and legitimate. Which is more than I can say for my show.

If you don’t believe me, read the full review of Shalom Dammit! at TotalTheater. In it she says things like – and I quote – “A comedy, a passionate sermon, a witty diatribe, a musical. It’s all of the above – in full-volume yelling.” Me? Yelling? She must have me confused with . . . every other middle-class Jewish man in the world.

Ms. Ahlfors also says about me that I’m “ebullient, angry (because why shouldn’t I be?), opinionated, outspoken, supremely self-confident and hilarious!” No one’s called me hilarious since that time I farted on the bimah during Yom Kippur. And let’s face it, that’s an easy gag for a captive audience.

She closes her big review with the best line of all: “Shalom Dammit!, with all its fervor and fury, is a good time.” That’s a money review, ladies and gentleman. And I paid good money for it.

So now we shall see the next step in the commercial path of Shalom Dammit!. We may come back in April and do a couple more shows. We may hit a fringe festival or two . . . because my tallis has award-winning fringes. Or who knows? We may play the occasional Jewish center, nursing home or women’s prison.

If you saw Shalom Dammit! in New York and you agree with this review, do your part! Tell family and friends and people you no longer want to be your friends that you can’t wait to see Shalom Dammit! in your bedraggled town or village. You must know people with money – you’re Jewish! Tell them a couple of hundred dollars they can be investors and gain the satisfaction of knowing they’ll never see that money again, but they’ll have helped spread yiddishkeit, love and possibly herpes to theatergoers all over America.

My thanks go out to Elizabeth Ahlfors, the brilliant, insightful critic; to Richard Shore, to Richmond Shepard, to Bill the stage manager and Jeff the box-office boychick, and to everyone who visited the Richmond Shepard Theater to partake in Shalom Dammit! the show.

Not to paraphrase Hitler but: today East 26th Street, tomorrow West 26th Street!

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches and off-off-Broadway hit!

Note: here is the review: http://www.totaltheater.com/?q=node/4470

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #37 (2/5/2012): More Jokes

click above to listen (audio file)

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #37 (2/5/2012): More Jokes

Aired Feb. 4, 2012 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube: https://youtu.be/xrWpAwGaGyM.

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of February 5th, 2012.

Well, on Tuesday, Mr. Groundhog poked his tuchas outside the ground and declared that we’re stuck with six more weeks of winter. A gloomy prediction, especially since three days later, Colorado got its first snowstorm in a month and a half.

So in order to brighten your damp and precipitative week, I thought I would share some jokes with you – jokes of a Jewish nature.

The first concerns Sadie, an old Jewish woman, working for fifty years in the garment district in New York.

One evening she’s coming home from work, she’s on the subway, and a tall, rather strange-looking man in a long raincoat comes over and stands in front of her.

Suddenly, he opens his coat and flashes her, showing her everything God gave him.

Sadie looks, and looks, and looks, and finally she sighs and says, “You call this a lining?”

Now, what do we learn from this joke? We learn two things, both of them contradictory – which is par for the course with virtually everything Talmudic. First, we learn that concentrating, and focusing on what you know best can sometimes protect you from harm. Sadie zoning in on the raincoat instead of the man’s puckel might have spared her embarrassment or shock or even rape. And so, when we are at work and trying to finish a task, if we apply ourselves to that – instead of getting caught up in office politics and gossip and bad advice – we are more likely to complete the job in front of us.

On the other hand, the joke also tells us there is something sad about Sadie. Here’s an old woman, so beaten down by life and work that she doesn’t even notice a naked man poking his peter at her punim. We must not get so wrapped up in our daily burdens, or, for that matter, our hobbies and addictions, that we become oblivious to the wangs in front of our eyes.

Do I contradict myself? Very well, then, I contradict myself. To quote Walt Whitman, “I am large. I contain multitudes.” I just wish I could contain my urine better but, that’s my problem. On to another joke – this one about an old man.

He’s in the hospice, he’s dying, and his 60-year-old wife is by his bedside.

“Rivka,” he says. “Tell me the truth. In our forty years of marriage, were you ever unfaithful?”

Rivka remains silent.

“Rivka? Did you hear me? I asked if you’ve ever been with another man?”

“Chaim,” she says, “I don’t understand the question.”

“Don’t understand the – ? Just tell me. I won’t be mad. I’m dying. I would just like to know. During our marriage, did you ever schtup another man?”

Again, Rivka says nothing.

“Rivkie, Rivkie, what’s the problem?”

His wife looks at him and says, “I’m worried. What if I tell you, and you don’t die?”

This is a charming little joke about sex and death, two things that obsess most Jews and gave Woody Allen a career. Perhaps we learn from this joke that we all have to answer for our actions at one point or another. If not today, maybe in a month. If not in a year, maybe in our final days. Maybe in olam haba. So it’s a caution that whenever we embark on doing something that maybe we shouldn’t – maybe we shouldn’t.

Okay, last joke, perfect for the season. Little Yussi is a Russian immigrant, and he’s sitting in grammar school and trying to keep up in English.

The teacher says, “Class: it’s vocabulary time. Can anyone here use the word `cultivate’ in a sentence?”

Nobody raises a hand.

Again, the teacher says, “Come, somebody must know this word. Cultivate. Use it in a sentence. Anyone?”

After another minute, Yussi raises his hand.

“Great, Yussi. What’s your sentence?”

Yussi says, “Vell, in the vinter, ven it’s snowing and you’re vaiting for the school bus, you should go indoors because it’s too cul-ti-vate.”

I didn’t say it was a good joke, I just said it was a joke. One could even say it’s a kosher spin on that old line about the weather in Mexico: chili today and hot tamale. Also, it’s a reminder that puns, although specific to a language and dialect, are universal in their power to trick us and make us go, “ohhhhyy, I hate puns.” And if we can all be brought a little closer together through our hatred and disgust, wouldn’t that make the world a better place?

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches.

—> https://youtu.be/xrWpAwGaGyM

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=29411

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #36 (1/28/2012): Jewish GPS

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RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #36 (1/28/2012): Jewish GPS

Aired Jan. 28, 2012 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube Clip: Jewish GPS

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of January 28th, 2012.

Now, I don’t ordinarily attach my name to a company or product . . . because no one has asked me before, but I am proud to say that has changed. The Garminsky Corporation has asked me to be the spokesman for their newest release – the Jewish G.P.S. Or, as we call it, Gimel, Peh, Shin.

Not only am I the willing shill for this fine, location-tracking device, but they have asked me to contribute my voice and personality to the recorded system. It’s still in prototype mode, but the idea is to give drivers searching for a location a haimische Jewish experience on the way towards their destination.

For example. I’m gonna switch it on. Takes a minute to boot up. Okay, let’s make believe we’re driving to the kosher butcher, about five miles away. Or, as the goyim say, “kilometers.” I just push the button, and the Gimel Peh Shin tells me where to go.

“Please drive to highlighted route. Dammit.”

Okay, let’s pretend I’m pulling out of the driveway…

“Please drive to highlighted route. Dammit.”

All, right, all right, I’m driving.

“Good. If you look to the left of your computer screen, that means you’re not looking at the road, so in .1 mile, you will crash into a utility pole. Heh heh heh heh, just kidding. But keep your eye on the street, goddammit, and get ready to turn in .2 miles.”

Okay, I can do that. Moving on . . .

“Turn left. No – wait! Turn right. Sorry, my fault. now you have to go around.”

I told you it was a prototype. Okay, I’m going around the block now.

“In .1 mile, turn left. The other left. Good. In 300 feet, turn right. Or don’t turn right, do what you want, it’s your funeral.”

Now, we’re on the road to the butcher, and you can calibrate the Gimel Peh Shin to give you extra information. Like:

“On your left, you’ll find Mrs. Schimmelbaum taking her daily stroll.

Notice the grin on her face because she’s having a torrid affair with her osteopath.”

Okay, sometimes there’s more information than you need. But other times, the device can be a godsend:

“Warning! Black neighborhood in .5 miles! Roll up all windows and cover your
laptop with a schmattah.”

The Jewish G.P.S. can also be programmed to avoid highways, tolls and outlet clothing stores like Aphmau Merch Shop, making it a must-have for every Jewish husband. You can also program the device to provide weather updates, baseball scores, pop lyrics and the entire Mincha synagogue service.

“Arriving at destination parking lot. Enter store and make sure the bastard doesn’t cheat you on the cold cuts.”

My friends, the Gimel Peh Shin is the latest advancement in driving technology. And not to brag, but the Jewish G.P.S. is so much better than the Greek one, which forces you to back in everywhere, and the Polish one, which just smashes you into your garage.

Coming soon to a store near you, the Jewish G.P.S. It takes you where it thinks you should go.

“Please drive to highlighted route. Really? McDonald’s? Cheeseburgers? No,
I’m taking you to Kosher King. Now shut up and drive.”

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches.

–> https://davesgoneby.net/?p=29446

Dave’s Gone By Skit: RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #35 (1/22/2012): Gay Tel Aviv

click above to listen (audio file)

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #35 (1 22/2012): Gay Tel Aviv

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of January 22nd, 2012.

It is rare for the traditionally downtrodden and fearful Jewish people to have a gay old time. But if they want an old gay time, guess where they should go? Not Christopher Street, not Miami, not Madrid – believe it or not the answer is Tel Aviv.

In a worldwide survey by GayCities.com, Tel Aviv, Israel, was voted the best gay travel destination of 2011. Unfortunately, 2011 is over, so…they kind of missed the boat on promoting it, but still – what a feather in the beret for Israel as a place of tolerance, empathy and, one imagines, musical theater.

Now, I’m sure not all Jews are thrilled about this. The Orthodox Rabbinate is probably wringing their beards over the moral destruction of the holy land whenever two men wanna hold hands and cross pukels. But the rest of us know: live and let live. Just like New York, Tel Aviv has a giant annual Pride Parade, where, just like New York, all the Jews on the sidewalk are too short and can’t see anything. 61 percent – higher than anywhere else in the world – 61 percent of the Israeli population supports gay marriage. As the joke goes, why should straight people be the only ones allowed to be miserable? Gay people even serve openly in the Israeli armed forces. This is not surprising, since a soldier never leaves his buddies’ behind.

But seriously, Israel takes a lot of lumps from Palestinian apologists, self-hating Jewish liberals, anti-Semites and people who look for any excuse to question why America supports Yisroel with money and military hardware. Here is your partial answer: Do you think Syria would make the gay cities list? How about Lebanon? Saudi Arabia? Iran? The so-called new Egypt?

Try being a homosexual in any one of these places and see where it gets you. I’ll tell you where it gets you: pummeled with stones and hanging from a tent with your shmeckel cut off. Granted, some homosexuals may enjoy this, but most would not. Most would prefer the freedom to be what they wanna be in Tel Aviv.

Now, I myself am not gay, but some of my best friends take it up the Hitler hole. And just as Israel itself is a sanctuary for Jews just in case, someday, nowhere else in the world will accept and protect them. Perhaps Tel Aviv can stand as that place for people of the GLBTQAFRZN13Y persuasion. And maybe Haifa will one day be a refuge for the retarded, and quadriplegics will romp in Ramat Gan, and stutterers will hold conventions in Petach Tikvah. Let Israel be the foreign legion: the place where good people with the odds against them can thrive and be winners.

May Tel Aviv stand as a lesson, a goal, a model of how life could be for all of us. Open, free, supportive, and decorated fabulously.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches.