Dave’s Gone By Song (11/24/2012): SANTA QUITS
An interview with a fed-up Santa Claus, Buchanan & Goodman style.
This song first aired Nov. 24, 2012 on the “Dave’s Gone By” program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz. Full episodes also available on youtube, Facebook (davesgoneby), Spotify, and on DavesGoneBy.com.
All content (c)2012 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
SANTA QUITS
(Lyrics: David Lefkowitz. Note: A mashup piece, in Buchanan & Goodman style, using short musical samples from other artists. Song titles are in parentheses with sampled quotes following.)
Y BHEKHIRST (Everytime I): Every time I think of you, la la la la la la la. . .
ANNOUNCER: We interrupt this record to bring you a special bulletin. Santa Claus is about to announce his retirement. I repeat Santa Claus is giving up the giving of gifts.
WILD MAN FISCHER (I’m a Christmas Tree): Oh, Santa Claus! Oh, Santa Claus!
ANNOUNCER: We switch you now to our on-the-spot reporter on the scene at the North Pole.
LOU REED (Caroline Says II): It’s so cold…
ANNOUNCER: Take it away John Cameron Sleazy.
JOHN CAMERON SLEAZY: This is John Cameron Sleazy at the North Pole. I’m talking to an elf.
RANDY NEWMAN (Short People): Short People…
JCS: Herman the Elf. How long have you worked in Santa’s Toyshop?
ROBYN HITCHCOCK (Sixteen Years): Sixteen years, and all I got was high.
JCS: My goodness. That’s quite a long time.
RUFUS WAINWRIGHT (Poses): No kidding.
JCS: And when did you first hear the news that Santa Claus was hanging up his stocking?
WILD MAN FISCHER (Yesterday): Yesterday.
ANNOUNCER: It must have been a shock. How did you react?
SHERRY VINE (Shit My Pants): Girl, I just shit my pants.
JCS: Well, that’s understandable. Disgusting but understandable What will you do now?
THE PRODUCERS (movie excerpt): Gonna crush Poland, then I’m gonna take over France.
JCS: Well, I certainly wish you luck with that. But we have to go over to Mrs. Claus. Santa’s wife has just emerged from a side entrance. Let’s try to catch her.
THE BEATLES (Kansas City/Hey Hey Hey Hey): Hey hey hey hey
JCS: Mrs. Claus! May we have a word?
THE WHO (Who are You): Who are you?
JCS: I’m John Cameron Sleazy from Eyewitless News. May we talk to you?
ROBERT KLEIN (Starting Your Car): Leave me alone!
JCS: We just wanna ask why your husband is quitting his job.
HANK WILLIAMS (Mind Your Own Business): Mind your own business.
JCS: But Madame, it’s the world’s business. If Santa leaves, what will the children get on Christmas?
LEON REDBONE (Ain’t Misbehavin’): What do I care?
JCS: Are you angry with your husband?
CARNIVAL (1961 Broadway cast): I hate him!
JCS: Very sad news here from the North Pole.
FRANK ZAPPA (Sharleena): I’m crying.
DEEJAY: That was the Heinous Anuses: “Crying!”
JCS: This is John Cameron Sleazy watching crowds gather outside Santa’s factory. Oh my goodness, two unemployed elves have broken into the workshop with hunting knives.
ARLO GUTHRIE (Alice’s Restaurant Massacre): Kill kill kill!
JCS: Santa fends them off with a machete!
2LIVECREW (Get the Fuck Out of My House): Get the fuck out my house!
JCS: Santa Claus is climbing up the chimney trying to escape.
ICE CUBE (When Will They Shoot?): They’ll never get me, they’ll never hit me.
JCS: The disturbed elf is giving chase.
ARLO GUTHRIE (Alice’s Restaurant Massacree): Kill kill kill!
JCS: Santa Claus has made it safely up the chimney and is surveying the crowd.
THE DRIFTERS (Up on the Roof): Up on the roof.
JCS: Santa Claus! Why have you resigned?
VAN MORRISON (So Complicated): So complicated, just want to blow my horn.
JCS: Your horn? Aren’t you Santa?
SHOOBY TAYLOR (Shooby Records): I’m Shooby Taylor, the human horn. When the fuck you gonna realize that?
JCS: No you are not, sir. And rumor has it that you have been forced to quit because of charges brought against you.
THE MAGNETIC FIELDS (I Don’t Believe You): I don’t believe you.
JCS: Children as young as five have accused you of sexual assault.
MATTHEW SWEET (What Do You Know): What do you know?
JCS: I have a child right here who says you molested him. Isn’t that right, Sonny?
AFROMAN (Colt 45): We fucked on the bed, fucked on the floor.
JCS: Santa, isn’t it true you made this boy push a lump of coal into your ass?
THE DOORS (The End): Son, I want to kill you.
DYLAN (1966 live, Like a Rolling Stone): You’re a liar!
JCS: Little boy, why did Santa make you do this?
LIZ PHAIR (Chopsticks): That way we can fuck and watch TV.
JCS: Santa, explain your behavior to this poor boy!
NEIL YOUNG (Hawks & Doves): Just don’t got nothing to say.
JCS: Why the coal, Santa? Was it to teach him something?
REDD FOXX (Wash Your Ass): You got to wash yo’ ass.
JCS: Oh Santa, is that why Mrs. Claus is abandoning you?
CEE-LO GREEN (Fuck You): Fuck you and fuck her, too.
JCS: Little boy, do you have any advice for other children in your situation?
ICE CUBE (Get Off My Dick and Tell Your Bitch to Come Here): Stay off his dick!
JCS: Santa Claus is climbing into his sleigh, and Rudolph does not look happy.
ELVIS COSTELLO (Oliver’s Army): And I would rather be anywhere else but here today.
JCS: Santa, before you go, do you have a message for the children of the world?
BOB DYLAN (Masters of War): And I hope that you die, and your death will come soon.
JCS: Santa that’s horrible. And where are you going exactly?
WING (Highway to Hell): I’m on the highway to hell.
JCS: And there he goes, the last of Santa and his reindeer.
FAIRPORT CONVENTION (Farewell, Farewell): Farewell, farewell.
JCS: This is John Cameron Sleazy bringing you back to the studio. Bye bye Santa!
FRANK ZAPPA: Goodnight. Goodnight boys and girls.
BEATLES: (A Day in the Life) Final Chord.
©2012 David Lefkowitz
