Santa Claus – Dave's Gone By

Dave’s Gone By Song (11/24/2012): SANTA QUITS

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Dave’s Gone By Song (11/24/2012): SANTA QUITS

An interview with a fed-up Santa Claus, Buchanan & Goodman style.

This song first aired Nov. 24, 2012 on the “Dave’s Gone By” program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz. Full episodes also available on youtube, Facebook (davesgoneby), Spotify, and on DavesGoneBy.com.

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

SANTA QUITS

(Lyrics: David Lefkowitz. Note: A mashup piece, in Buchanan & Goodman style, using short musical samples from other artists. Song titles are in parentheses with sampled quotes following.)

Y BHEKHIRST (Everytime I): Every time I think of you, la la la la la la la. . .

ANNOUNCER: We interrupt this record to bring you a special bulletin. Santa Claus is about to announce his retirement. I repeat Santa Claus is giving up the giving of gifts.

WILD MAN FISCHER (I’m a Christmas Tree): Oh, Santa Claus! Oh, Santa Claus!

ANNOUNCER: We switch you now to our on-the-spot reporter on the scene at the North Pole.

LOU REED (Caroline Says II): It’s so cold…

ANNOUNCER: Take it away John Cameron Sleazy.

JOHN CAMERON SLEAZY: This is John Cameron Sleazy at the North Pole. I’m talking to an elf.

RANDY NEWMAN (Short People): Short People…

JCS: Herman the Elf. How long have you worked in Santa’s Toyshop?

ROBYN HITCHCOCK (Sixteen Years): Sixteen years, and all I got was high.

JCS: My goodness. That’s quite a long time.

RUFUS WAINWRIGHT (Poses): No kidding.

JCS: And when did you first hear the news that Santa Claus was hanging up his stocking?

WILD MAN FISCHER (Yesterday): Yesterday.

ANNOUNCER: It must have been a shock. How did you react?

SHERRY VINE (Shit My Pants): Girl, I just shit my pants.

JCS: Well, that’s understandable. Disgusting but understandable What will you do now?

THE PRODUCERS (movie excerpt): Gonna crush Poland, then I’m gonna take over France.

JCS: Well, I certainly wish you luck with that. But we have to go over to Mrs. Claus. Santa’s wife has just emerged from a side entrance. Let’s try to catch her.

THE BEATLES (Kansas City/Hey Hey Hey Hey): Hey hey hey hey

JCS: Mrs. Claus! May we have a word?

THE WHO (Who are You): Who are you?

JCS: I’m John Cameron Sleazy from Eyewitless News. May we talk to you?

ROBERT KLEIN (Starting Your Car): Leave me alone!

JCS: We just wanna ask why your husband is quitting his job.

HANK WILLIAMS (Mind Your Own Business): Mind your own business.

JCS: But Madame, it’s the world’s business. If Santa leaves, what will the children get on Christmas?

LEON REDBONE (Ain’t Misbehavin’): What do I care?

JCS: Are you angry with your husband?

CARNIVAL (1961 Broadway cast): I hate him!

JCS: Very sad news here from the North Pole.

FRANK ZAPPA (Sharleena): I’m crying.

DEEJAY: That was the Heinous Anuses: “Crying!”

JCS: This is John Cameron Sleazy watching crowds gather outside Santa’s factory. Oh my goodness, two unemployed elves have broken into the workshop with hunting knives.

ARLO GUTHRIE (Alice’s Restaurant Massacre): Kill kill kill!

JCS: Santa fends them off with a machete!

2LIVECREW (Get the Fuck Out of My House): Get the fuck out my house!

JCS: Santa Claus is climbing up the chimney trying to escape.

ICE CUBE (When Will They Shoot?): They’ll never get me, they’ll never hit me.

JCS: The disturbed elf is giving chase.

ARLO GUTHRIE (Alice’s Restaurant Massacree): Kill kill kill!

JCS: Santa Claus has made it safely up the chimney and is surveying the crowd.

THE DRIFTERS (Up on the Roof): Up on the roof.

JCS: Santa Claus! Why have you resigned?

VAN MORRISON (So Complicated): So complicated, just want to blow my horn.

JCS: Your horn? Aren’t you Santa?

SHOOBY TAYLOR (Shooby Records): I’m Shooby Taylor, the human horn. When the fuck you gonna realize that?

JCS: No you are not, sir. And rumor has it that you have been forced to quit because of charges brought against you.

THE MAGNETIC FIELDS (I Don’t Believe You): I don’t believe you.

JCS: Children as young as five have accused you of sexual assault.

MATTHEW SWEET (What Do You Know): What do you know?

JCS: I have a child right here who says you molested him. Isn’t that right, Sonny?

AFROMAN (Colt 45): We fucked on the bed, fucked on the floor.

JCS: Santa, isn’t it true you made this boy push a lump of coal into your ass?

THE DOORS (The End): Son, I want to kill you.

DYLAN (1966 live, Like a Rolling Stone): You’re a liar!

JCS: Little boy, why did Santa make you do this?

LIZ PHAIR (Chopsticks): That way we can fuck and watch TV.

JCS: Santa, explain your behavior to this poor boy!

NEIL YOUNG (Hawks & Doves): Just don’t got nothing to say.

JCS: Why the coal, Santa? Was it to teach him something?

REDD FOXX (Wash Your Ass): You got to wash yo’ ass.

JCS: Oh Santa, is that why Mrs. Claus is abandoning you?

CEE-LO GREEN (Fuck You): Fuck you and fuck her, too.

JCS: Little boy, do you have any advice for other children in your situation?

ICE CUBE (Get Off My Dick and Tell Your Bitch to Come Here): Stay off his dick!

JCS: Santa Claus is climbing into his sleigh, and Rudolph does not look happy.

ELVIS COSTELLO (Oliver’s Army): And I would rather be anywhere else but here today.

JCS: Santa, before you go, do you have a message for the children of the world?

BOB DYLAN (Masters of War): And I hope that you die, and your death will come soon.

JCS: Santa that’s horrible. And where are you going exactly?

WING (Highway to Hell): I’m on the highway to hell.

JCS: And there he goes, the last of Santa and his reindeer.

FAIRPORT CONVENTION (Farewell, Farewell): Farewell, farewell.

JCS: This is John Cameron Sleazy bringing you back to the studio. Bye bye Santa!

FRANK ZAPPA: Goodnight. Goodnight boys and girls.

BEATLES: (A Day in the Life) Final Chord.

Dave’s Gone By #299 (12/14/2008): COOL JEWS

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Here is the 299th episode of the long-running radio show/podcast, Dave’s Gone By, which aired on NY’s WGBB-AM radio, Dec. 14, 2008. Info: davesgoneby.com.

host: Dave Lefkowitz
guest co-host: Jeff Goodman
guests: Rabbi Sol Solomon (spiritual leader of Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, NY), author Lisa Alcalay Klug (“Cool Jews”) & songwriter Gina Beltrami (“I Farted on Santa’s Lap (Now Christmas is Gonna Stink for Me)”), theater critic Charles Gross.

Featuring: Rabbi Sol Solomon and guest co-host Jeff Goodman chat with author Lisa Alcalay Klug (Cool Jews) and songwriter Gina Beltrami (“I Farted on Santa’s Lap”).

00:00:01 DAVE GOES IN
00:12:00 GUEST: Rabbi Sol Solomon interviews Lisa Alcalay Klug w/ caller Charles Gross
00:31:00 GUEST: Gina Beltrami
00:47:00 DAVE GOES OUT

December 14, 2008 Playlist: “I Farted on Santa’s Lap” (The Little Stinkers), “Maoz Tsuris” (Rabbi Sol Solomon).

Dave’s Gone By #107 (12/23/2004): LONG-RANGE MISTLETOE

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Here is the 107th episode of the long-running radio show/podcast, Dave’s Gone By, which aired on NY’s WGBB-AM radio, Dec. 23, 2004. Info: davesgoneby.com.

host: Dave Lefkowitz

Featuring: A very musical holiday show, including Inside Broadway and the satirical News Gone By.

00:00:01 DAVE GOES IN
00:07:00 Dave on Xmas
00:19:00 INSIDE BROADWAY – Holiday Shows
00:27:00 NEWS GONE BY w/ “Santasia” poem
00:33:00 POEM: Santasia (Dave)
00:51:00 DAVE GOES OUT

Dec. 23, 2004 Playlist: “A Christmas Carol” (Tom Lehrer); “My Doggy’s Christmas Gift” (Dave, unreleased); “We Killed Santa Claus” (Dave, unreleased); “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” (Joseph Spence); “Santasia” (Dave, unreleased); “(I’m Having a) Gay Christmas” (Peter Fitzgerald, unreleased); “The Twelve Complaints of Christmas” (Rabbi Sol Solomon, unreleased, encore from 12/22/02 show), “Another Christmas Song” (Cab City Combo).

Dave’s Gone By Song (12/23/2004): WE KILLED SANTA CLAUS

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ZZSong-WeKilledSantaClaus

A humbuggy holiday carol.

Segment originally aired Dec. 23, 2004, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode.

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

WE KILLED SANTA CLAUS

by David Lefkowitz (sung to “Here Come Santa Claus” by Gene Autry & Oakley Haldeman)

We killed Santa Claus
We killed Santa Claus
We killed Jesus, too
Nailed him to a cross
No big freakin’ loss
Just another cranky Jew

All our life was trouble and strife
From the Holocaust to Pogroms.
So keep J.C. away from me
He’s worse than terrorist bombs.

We kill babies
We kill children
Use their blood for cake.
We own Hollywood
We own Wall Street
Take take take take take

This is what you’ve said about us
For the past 2,000 years
Pound, Voltaire, and Charles Baudelaire
and any goy who’s had four beers

We killed Santa Claus
We killed Santa Claus
And we’d do it again
Goodbye carols
Goodbye crèches
No goodwill toward men

You’ve hated us since the birth of Christ
So we hate you in return
So stick your mass
Straight up your ass
And burn, Joan of Arc, bitch, burn.

Dave’s Gone By Song (12/23/2004): SANTASIA

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A deeply warped and perverted take on “The Night Before Christmas,” for your holiday pleasure.

Segment originally aired Dec. 30, 2004, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

All content (c)2004 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

SANTASIA

by David Lefkowitz

`Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the malls
Santa was bouncing young boys on his balls.
The children would snuggle all deep in his lap
Which is why Santa’s suit had a secret front flap.

His stocking was hung like a pornstar in heat
As fidgety children would straddle his meat
The mommies would wander and endlessly shop
While Santa found nine-year-old cherries to pop.

On Trojan, on Durex, on Hot Rod and Crown
His tree would light up when the children went down.
With tears in his eyes and beer on his breath,
Old Santa would quiver with each little death.

And when he was through, he’d give each child a buck
“Ho, ho, ho!” he would say. “And thanks for the fuck!”
After every tenth child, he drank juice and rested
And gave candy canes to the tykes he molested.

Only twice all day did he excuse himself
To visit the men’s room and bugger an elf.
And when he was finished, he again took his place
With a boy on his lap and a girl on his face.

Then, outside the store, there arose such a ruckus
That Santa stopped fondling an eight-year-old’s tuchas.
He said, “What the hell?” and jumped flat to the floor
As a dozen policemen burst through the door.

“You, in the fat suit! You’ve got quite a nerve.”
“Yes, twelve inches long,” said the jolly old perv.
“That’s not what I meant,” said Captain O’Flynn.
“Now put your hands up and your pecker back in!”

“But what did I do?” Santa said with a shrug.
“I just gave them affection . . . and sex and a drug.”
“We know who you are, and it’s not Santa Claus.
You’re just an old weirdo who breaks Megan’s Laws.”

“But these children love me! They’re all my new friends.
So what if there’s blood coming out their rear ends?
I treat them as equals regardless of class.
`Cause Santa loves fairness, and an ass is an ass.
Each child gets a chance to hold Santa’s hand,
To stroke Santa’s beard, and yank Santa’s gland.
From the brawniest jock to the scrawniest worm,
All children are blessed when covered with sperm.”

A whole minute passed `fore the Captain could speak.
With a lump in his throat and tears down his cheek.
“Forgive me,” he said, “I was quick to accuse.
I saw all these youngsters with stained underoos.
I just didn’t realize you had such a heart;
They’re lucky to have you at this mega-mart.
Don’t let us disturb you; we’ll be on our way.
Merry Christmas, dear Santa, and have a nice day.”

And quick as a wink, the cops left the store,
And Santa went back to his under-age whores.
He looked at his penis, all hairy and bent
and said, “Thank God five is the age of consent.”

He saw one child laughing and said, “Think that’s funny?
I’m gentle compared to my pal, Easter Bunny.”
Now, line up in order, and don’t you get fresh.
I’m harder than granite and crave sweet young flesh.

He gave the kids candy; he gave the moms cash.
He gave the whole town a venereal rash.
And when the last child had been raped and defiled
Santa Claus looked at his winkie and smiled.

He stood up and leered and did a cute dance
And tasted the smears that were left on his pants.
The children said, “Santa, where is your sleigh?”
“Out there,” he said, pointing to a black Chevrolet.

“Do you have any reindeer? Do you have any toys?”
“Just the ones I used on you, girls and boys.”

Said one little girl still rubbing her rear,
“Please tell us, dear Santa, you’ll be back next year.”
Santa paused for a moment, then leaned down and kissed her.
“Of course I will,” he whispered, “if you bring your sister.
Now carry my suitcase. I warn you, it’s heavy.”
And quick as a wink, they were off to his Chevy.

The engine did rev, and the tires did screech.
The upholstery smelled of whiskey and bleach
and beer and tobacco and dog diarrhea
as off Santa went to the next galleria.

But they heard him exclaim as he drove off the lot,
“Merry Christmas to all! Goddamn, that was hot.”