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Dave sings a Mother’s Day tribute to moms, acronymically.
Song aired May 11, 2003, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode.
All content (c)2003 TotalTheater Productions. More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
M-O-T-H-E-R
by David Lefkowitz
M is for the Miracle of birth O is for the Ovum growing free T is for the Trouble that I caused her H is for the Hysterectomy (six months later) E is for Episiotomy scars R is for three months in the Recovery Room
Put them all together they spell “MOTHER” The only girl to want me in her womb.
Dave unearths a patriotic war song from the not-so-good-old days.
Segment originally aired May 3, 2003, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode
All content (c)2003 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
CAPTAIN LIFLANDER’S MADRIGAL
Oh, Americans crave a tranquil life We just want to live in peace But the planet gives us war and strife And it does not seem to cease
So we send our soldiers overseas To protect our global plan To bring our enemies to their knees We’ll fight to the very last man.
With a row-dow, row-diddle dow, With a row-dow diddle-aye dan.
If Saddam Hussein wants to bitch and complain And to hide his poison gas We’ll bomb his fields And shall not yield Till we kick some towelhead ass.
After that, look out Afghanistan `Cause we’re coming back for more For we bombed a slew of civilians there No one cares if we kill a few more.
With a row-dow, row-diddle dow, With a row-dow diddle-aye dor.
All this fear and fright from the Yemenites Is a game we will not play We will torture and kill each terrorist – Where the hell is Yemen anyway?
And if Saudi Arabia doesn’t toe the line We can bomb their palaces, too And we’ll pick that Black Hawk up again From the streets of Mogadishu.
With a row-dow, row-diddle dow, With a row-dow diddle-aye doo.
To fight fundamentalists in Iran We must aid and strengthen the Kurds Disembowel the Sikhs Those heathen freaks By dropping bombs like turds
Oh, the Hindus and the Pakis, too, They will dance to Yankee jigs For the only way to keep Indians free Is to treat them just like nigs
With a row-dow, row-diddle dow, With a row-dow diddle-aye digs.
We shall go to Northern Ireland To remove hostility We’ll hide strychnine in the Catholics’ ale Cyanide in the Protestants’ tea
If the Russkies dare to pollute our air With threats of nuclear attack We will give those worms Some smallpox germs And the Chechen rebels, anthrax
With a row-dow, row-diddle dow, With a row-dow diddle-aye dax.
If the Chinese hun won’t leave Taiwan We shall push them under the waves We shall strafe them all by the Beijing wall Put fortune cookies on their graves
We shall visit North Korea next And we’ll blast those gooks to hell Maybe this time we can push them back To the 35th Parallel.
With a row-dow, row-diddle dow, With a row-dow diddle-aye dell.
We will stand in the sand of Palestine Show the Yids who’s really boss Blow the head off any Arab kid With a stone he’s planning to toss
Oh, the Ivory Coast will soon be toast When we force Gbagbo to retrench We will give all the rebels Pepsi and Coke Just to thumb our nose at the French
With a row-dow, row-diddle dow, With a row-dow diddle-aye dench.
When I see those hateful pacifist How I loathe to see them whine For they do not know how urgent it is To protect the bottom line
So if some young soldiers have to die For the good old USA Let them blow our enemies to the sky For that’s the American way.
With a row-dow, row-diddle dow, With a row-dow diddle-hooray.
With a row-dow, row-diddle dow, With a row-dow diddle-aye dench.
Rabbi Sol Solomon sings his version of the Passover standard “Dayenu.”
Segment originally aired April 13, 2003, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode
All content (c)2003 TotalTheater Productions. More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
DAYENU 2003
Oh, even if He had been sleeping While six million Jews were slaughtered Even though He watched us tortured, Dayenu. (Dayenu) Day Dayenu, Day Dayenu, Day Dayenu, Dayenu Dayenu
Even if the Muslim putzes Weren’t blowing up our buses Yadda Yadda Intifadeh, Dayenu (Dayenu) We’re all crazy . . . about you Couldn’t live without you Who needs happiness?
Even if there was no Hitler Even if there was no Haman Why so many snippy gay men? Dayenu (Dayenu) We are chosen So we’re coping Still, we’re hoping You’ll choose someone else.
Even if we have big noses Even if we’re prone to hair loss Even if there was no Tay-Sachs, Dayenu (Dayenu) God is looking God is watching God is botching everything He does.
Even when the goyim tease us Even when the gulags freeze us It’s okay, we murdered Jesus, Dayenu (Dayenu)
Day Day Dammit, Day Day Dammit, Day Day Dammit Let’s sing it one more time (why don’t we?) Day Day Dammit, Day Day Dammit, Day Day Dammit And circumcision hurts, oy!
Dave’s rah-rah ballad to mark the start of the war in Iraq.
Segment originally aired March 23, 2003, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode.
All content (c)2003 TotalTheater Productions. More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
WHEN BUSHIE GOES MARCHING IN
by David Lefkowitz (sung to “When Johnny Comes Marching Home” by Patrick Gilmore)
When Bushie goes marching in again Iraq, Iraq His useless dad can grin again Iraq, Iraq The job he botched in `91 Will get cleaned up by his evil song The fun begins as Bushie goes marching in.
It’s time to make the Muslims see Iraq, Iraq That they should live like you and me Iraq, Iraq That it is right and it is good To smoke and drink and eat fast food And to watch TV when Bushie goes marching in
Who flew the planes on 9-11? Iraq, Iraq And when the dirty deed was done Iraq, Iraq We blamed it on Osama bin Laden But soon his name was nearly forgotten Don’t look for sense when Bushie goes marching in.
The French, the Russians and Chinese Iraq, Iraq Make hypocritical calls for peace Iraq, Iraq But Bush and Cheney, they don’t care So what if they sacrifice Tony Blair? You can smell the sleaze everywhere When Bushie goes marching in
And if a few Americans die Iraq, Iraq If poison gas makes children cry Iraq, Iraq That’s just the price we pay, you know, For Haliburton’s portfolio It’ll go sky-high so Bushie goes marching in.
The more things change the more they don’t Iraq, Iraq With Bush in charge, they surely won’t Iraq, Iraq `Cause moguls do whatever they wanna When there’s a pax Americana It’s all death and dishonna When Bushie goes marching in When Bushie goes marching in When Bushie goes marching in When Bushie goes marching in . . . (fade)
Segment originally aired March 16, 2003, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast. Complete Original Broadcast: Full Episode
All content (c)2003 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
COVER’D WITH CRAP
When I was a sailor, I wore a fine cap And all the young maidens, they sat in me lap But then they’d jump up, and they’d leave with a slap `Cause me pants and me undies were covered with crap.
Cover’d with crap Cover’d with crap Oh, bring me a dish towel I’m cover’d with crap
I went to the doctor, he gave me a salve But that only worsened the ailment I have Me bowels keep churning all night and all day To drive all the people of Dublin away
“Away!,” they would say Their arms they would flap From the stink and the stench of me cover’d with crap
Cover’d with crap Cover’d with crap I canna wear white, `cause I’m cover’d with crap
I called up the daughter of old Mrs. Klein And over the phone, well, she liked me just fine I hoped that I’d soon get a taste of vagin’ But, alas, first I had to take her out to dine
We entered the restaurant without a mishap And greeted the maîtr d’ – quite a nice chap But soon he said, “You there, you’ll not eat a scrap; You’ll get us closed down, `cause you’re covered with crap!”
Cover’d with crap Cover’d with crap Each smear brings a tear when you’re cover’d with crap.
So now I’m an old man My life has grown thin I’ve no time for sailin’ or sportin’ or sin I wait for me heavenly rest to begin And hope that St. Peter will let this fool in
But I know too well hope is only a trap And I’m hearing those pearly gates close with a snap `Cause who wants an angel with poop in his lap, Brown wings, and a halo all covered with crap?
Cover’d with crap Cover’d with crap Eternity beckons all cover’d with crap.
Rabbi Sol Solomon sings a Purim song about the resilience of the Jews.
Segment originally aired March 16, 2003, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode
All content (c)2003 TotalTheater Productions. More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
DON’T MESS WITH US
If you try to kill the Jews Here’s a little piece of news: God will stop you, and he’ll drop you dead instead He got Hitler He got Haman And a dozen I’m not namin’ So don’t mess with the Jews Or you’ll lose
If your aim is genocide Then you’d better run and hide `cause HaShem will turn the tide until you drown Every exile and pogrom We’ve emerged triumphant from `Cause the Lord is our sword and our drum
So if you’re a neo-Nazi And you think you’re hotsy-totsy Or you’re blowing up civilians on a bus You had best leave us alone Or we’ll hora on your bones You’ll be stuck, Chuck, so don’t muck with us.
So listen here, you goyim Every girl and every boyim Anti-Semitism brings you only tears `Cause HaShem is in our corner He will make your mom a mourner For the sake of your kids Be a friend to the Yids Treat us nice, treat us well Or you’ll barbecue in hell It’s been like this for 5000 years.
Recently back from Dublin, Dave sings of his encounter with an Irish legend.
Segment originally aired March 16, 2003, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode.
All content (c)2003 TotalTheater Productions. More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
SEAMUS THE URINE MAN
(sung a cappella)
Seamus the Urine Man, the Urine Urine Man
There’s a shop in Dublin town You should stop and look around You’ll find candy, toys, and smokes And a gentle Irish bloke
Seamus the Urine Man, the Urine Urine Man
Though he is a fine old soul His bladder, he cannot control So lift your nose and sniff the air You’ll smell something mighty queer . . .
Seamus the Urine Man, the Urine Urine Man
When old Seamus takes a whiz He will whiz, wherever he is!
Seamus the Urine Man, the Urine Urine Man
Seamus is a merry fellow Splashing in his pool of yellow. Never does he take a break He’ll make and make and make and make and make and make
Seamus the Urine Man, the Urine Urine Man
He’s guaranteed to amuse Stand too close, he’ll soak your shoes! Seamus the Urine Man, the Urine Urine Man
When ol’ Seamus eats an egg Yolk starts running down his leg He don’t care for fame or money Long as he’s all warm and runny They call him “yellow fellow” (quite a stink!)
Seamus the Urine Man, the Urine Urine Man
Best to back away a little Else you’ll get a spray of piddle He gets wetter than the Navy Shooting out his penis gravy (are you enjoying your meal?)
Seamus the Urine Man, the Urine Urine Man
Every night he prays to Jesus To renew his enuresis He lies down to rest his head And wakes up in a waterbed
Seamus the Urine Man, the Urine Urine Man Seamus the Urine Man, the Urine Urine Man. Seamus the Urine Man, the Urine Urine Man.
Segment originally aired Jan. 26, 2003, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode
All content (c)2003 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
A DINGO ATE MY BABY
A dingo ate my baby It happened late last night He snuck into the nursery And pulled her out of sight
He chewed her up like candy He spit her out like phlegm There’s other corpses in the world And she looks just like them
A dingo ate my baby The mangy little beast My wife said, “Call a doctor!” The doc said, “Call a priest.”
A dingo ate my baby The furry little sinner He et the head for breakfast And he et the bum for dinner
A dingo ate my baby There’s blood upon his snout He swallowed all the organs But he spat the eyeballs out
A dingo ate my baby He ripped her with his claws You can see it on his fangs You can smell it on his jaws
A dingo ate my baby He picked the ribcage clean He barfed up her intestines And they smell like Diaparene
A dingo ate my baby He bashed her head on stones And all that’s left is baby hair And teeny little bones
My wife is going crazy She’s always been high strung She’s out there picking baby teeth From lumps of dingo dung
My wife is like a banshee She’s in a fucking snit I’d try to give her comfort But she stinks of dingo shit
A dingo ate my baby We’ll never have another I’d gladly pay the dingo To come back and eat her mother.
Dave goes down under to relate the tale of a mentally retarded marsupial.
Segment originally aired Jan. 26, 2003, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode.
All content (c)2003 TotalTheater Productions. More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
JOEY, THE SPASTIC KANGAROO
by David Lefkowitz
I’ve been a trapper since I was 13 I’ve caught animals you’ve never seen Like six-legged tigers and cows without feet But the greatest of all, I was destined to meet
I was on contract for Sydney’s big zoo They asked me for wombats and wallabies, too I hid in the bush awaiting my chance When far in the distance I saw something dance
I waved me blowgun and stood there transfixed He twisted so fast, nearly all my darts missed I came up behind him and made not a sound I jumped on the `roo and brought him to the ground.
Out in the Outback where the possums play I saw a creature who took me breath away Got him sedated, brought him to the zoo We called him “Joey, the Spastic Kangaroo.”
In isolation, the roo bounced and shook So frantic was he, it was painful to look In less than a day, he was covered with scars From bashing his head and his bum on the bars
We gave him drugs, but they had no effect Built him a shelter which he quickly wrecked We thought him the saddest we ever did see Since Chow Chow the panda with epilepsy
Out in the Outback where Koalas climb We got a rare one once upon a time A danger to himself and other creatures, too We captured Joey, the Spastic Kangaroo.
We introduced Joey into a troop But he punched the others and sprayed them with poop Perhaps it was puberty? Repressed desire? So we tried to mate him with Agnes, the flyer
Agnes was ferile and ripe for a male She bit Joey’s nuts, and he started to wail They kicked and they thrashed and they clawed and they bled And when it was through, the two roos were both dead
Out in the Outback where the quokkas hop I saw a whirlwind I thought would never stop Tears did flow that morning at the zoo When we buried Joey, the Spastic Kangaroo
Agnes was kept on display in the lab Her body preserved and laid out on a slab Five weeks after that, her pouch gave a rip Then, out popped a baby we quickly named Skip.
We crossed all our fingers and hoped for the best `Cause Skippy looked normal at play and at rest But soon, we saw normal was not meant to be When Skippy the roo tried to drink his own pee
He’d stare at the sun and spend hours in a crouch He bit his own tail, and he punched his own pouch At first it was tempting to have him destroyed But we felt too sorry for this mongoloid
So out in the Outback we set Skippy free Soon as we did, he ran into a tree Moral of the story is tragic, but it’s true: There’s nothing you can do with a spastic kangaroo.
Joined by Scott Rodolitz, Dave Lefkowitz sings the Fisch-Heads song, “Enema Blues.”
Segment originally aired Jan. 19, 2003, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode
All content (c)2003 TotalTheater Productions. “Enema Blues” (c)1978 David Lefkowitz.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
ENEMA BLUES
My baby went and left me She’s gone without a doubt But even worse than that, you know, She really cleaned me out
I got the enema blues Ever since we been apart You know she flushed out my whole life And now she’s trying to flush out my heart
You know that I was good to her I never treated her mean I even let her use my bathroom And now she’s flushed me clean
I got the enema blues Ever since we been apart You know she flushed out my whole life And now she’s trying to flush out my heart
She ran off with my bowling shoes My car, my house and my kid I told her, “Blow it out my ass!” And that’s exactly what she did
I got the enema blues Ever since we been apart You know she flushed out my whole life And now she’s trying to flush out my heart
Dave’s rah-rah ballad to mark the start of the war in Iraq.
