ARCHIVES – Songs – Page 6

Dave’s Gone By Song: PUSSY BELOW

click above to listen (broadcast March 15, 2004)

Dave’s Gone By Song (3/15/2004): PUSSY BELOW

A sea chantey for lovers of cats.

This song was performed a cappella March 15, 2004 on the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz on Long Island, NY’s WGBB-AM. Full episodes also available on youtube, Spotify, and on DavesGoneBy.com.

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

PUSSY BELOW

There’s cake in the oven
There’s cheese in the fridge
There’s bottles of whiskey
Lined up on the bridge
So come all you sailors
And hear what I know
There’s music above
And there’s pussy below

The Captain’s a fine man
And knows what to do
To make life a pleasure
For all of his crew
So haul up the anchor
Away we will go
The sky up above
And there’s pussy below

Pussy below
Pussy below
When oceans get rough
You know where to go
Just throw on a raincoat
There’s pussy below.

There’s Bombay and Persian
Exotic Burmese
Some play their whole life
While others just tease
If you stroke and pet them
How big you will grow
It’s easy to love
All the pussy below.

The Captain has contacts
In Rome and Shanghai
He sneaks kittens in
And rum on the sly
A stay in the steerage
Will banish all woe
You won’t find a dog
In the pussies below

Pussy below
Pussy below
Just fondle their fur
And they’ll make you purr
It’s catnip to sailors
The pussy below.

Now, young men at sea
Can get lonely sometimes
And if you don’t watch
They turn queerer than mimes
There’s sheep in the cabin
So give `em a throw
And if you get desp’rate
There’s pussy below

To work on a ship
Is a very hard life
The crew is your girlfriend
The captain, your wife
You might catch the big one
But better be quick;
The seamen will jump
When you grab Moby Dick

So come all ye sailors
And lovers of cats
They lap up your milk
While they chase away rats
The sea it will rock
And the wind it will blow
And so will the pussy
The pussy below

Pussy below
Pussy below
When they’re on the prowl
You’ll never say no
To loving a pussy
A pussy below.

Dave’s Gone By Song (3/15/2004): MANY WAYS

click above to listen

Dave’s Gone By Song (3/15/2004): MANY WAYS

Everyone’s welcome in Mr. Rogers’s neighborhood…except you.

This segment first aired March 15, 2004 on the “Dave’s Gone By” program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz. Full episodes also available on youtube, Facebook (davesgoneby), Spotify, and on DavesGoneBy.com.

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

MANY WAYS

(Lyrics: David Lefkowitz. Music: “Many Ways to Say I Love You” by Fred Rogers)

 There are many ways to say, “*%$@ you.” 

There are many ways to say, Go *%$@ yourself.” 

Like “burn in hell!” 

Like, “take a flying leap!” 

Or, “I’d love to see your whole family in a flaming train accident and piled up in a heap!”

There are many ways to say, “*%$@ you…and your ugly children.” 

There are many ways to say, “eat #($@ and die,” 

Like, “up yours, buddy!” 

Or, “kiss my ass!” 

Or, “it would be worth it to die in Auschwitz if I could just see you gassed.”

So many ways to express hate 

So many ways, isn’t that great? 

We don’t have to blaspheme or curse 

To wish a person illness and worse

There are many ways to say, “I could %$@ing hurt you.” 

There are many ways to call you a mother%$@ piece of #($@.” 

Like, “choke on your own blood!” 

Or, “Drop dead, you jerk!” 

Or, “I hope an AIDS victim bites you and the chemo doesn’t work.”

So many ways 

So many %+@ing ways to say. “*%$@ you!”

Dave’s Gone By Song (12/23/2004) (I’m Having a) GAY CHRISTMAS (w/ Peter Fitzgerald)

click above to listen (audio only)

Gay icon Peter Fitzgerald sings a Yuletide jolly.

Segment originally aired Dec. 23, 2004, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode.

All content (c)2004 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

(I’M HAVING A) GAY CHRISTMAS

by Peter Fitzgerald (as transcribed by David Lefkowitz)

Oh oh oh!

I’m having a gay Christmas, just my lover and me
We’ve got a goose in the oven,
and vibrating novelties on the tree.
I’m having a gay Christmas! Makes me feel so young.
The lights are glowing, the wind is blowing,
And the stockings are well-hung.

I’m having a gay Christmas, carolers at the door
Each one gets a flavored condom
If I can put it on `em, I give `em one more
I’m having a gay Christmas, shouting Ho Ho Ho!
I sing and dance and unzip my pants
Underneath the mistletoe.

Now, too many people are too uptight,
And they miss the beauty of a silent night
But ask my partner, that’s not how I am
When I poke his long, and he smokes my ham.

I’m having a sissy Christmas, full of yuletide cheer
I’m greasin’ up my chimney `cause between you and me, Santa’s queer!
He’s a bringing a load of presents
I’m gonna wear them all
And if candy canes leave sticky stains,
I’ll return them at the mall.

Now Christmas is a wonderful word
The sexiest word I’ve ever heard.
It starts with Christ, and ends in ass,
And “mm” in between for a great big mass!

I’m having a gay Christmas, just like Jesus did
The thought of him kissing Judas makes me want to molest a kid (no!)
I’m having a gay Christmas, eggnog by the fire
I wax my thighs and fantasize
About the Vienna Boys Choir.

Now Christmas is a time of joy
For every girl and, especially, boy.
And on December 24th, Santa’s pole points north, north, north!

I’m having a gay Christmas, yule log on the tube
I’m making my special icing, and basting the goose with k.y. lube
I’m having a gay Christmas, fruitcakes filled with rum
I shake and bake until I make all ye faithful cum!

Hurry Santa, please! I’m on my knees.

Dave’s Gone By Song (1/19/2004): THE RECTUM OF EDMUND FITZGERALD

click above to listen (audio only)

ZZSong-RectumofEdmund A ballad not-so-loosely based on the Mepham High School sodomy trial on Long Island.

Song aired Jan. 19, 2004, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

All content (c)2004 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

THE RECTUM OF EDMUND FITZGERALD

by David Lefkowitz

The story did play on News 12 and Newsday
and it filled up the old Nassau Herald
How kids from the school were so vicious and cruel
To the rectum of Edmund Fitzgerald.

The town of Bellmore lies upon the South Shore
On an affluent part of Long Island
They pay a high tax just to keep out the blacks
In the hopes that their kids won’t grow violent.

Now, one such young boy was his mom’s pride and joy
Such a virile and athletic laddie
Like others his age, he thought sports the rage
And he tried to be just like his daddy.

It felt like a dream when young Ed made the team
As a junior varsity halfback
But some other players gave him arrogant stares
He became their continual laughtrack.

He played right along, and he tried to be strong
To show he had no trepidation
It gave him the creeps, but these were his peeps
And he longed for the team’s validation.

He managed all right until one summer night
When the team went to north Pennsylvania
As silent as monks, they all rose from their bunks
as if gripped by a furious mania.

With nary a sound and no coaches around
The older kids pummeled the juvies
They guarded the door while the boys licked the floor
And then squealed like the guy in the movies.

Although that hurt some, there were worse things to come
When the new guys were forced to get naked
The quarterback grinned, “Let the hazing begin!
If you wanna be one of us, take it!”

The torture began all according to plan
With a rhythm like boom-chika-boom-chik
“You better not howl, or we’ll puncture your bowel
With the rubberized end of a broomstick.”

When that part was fun, they continued the fun
Of pine cone and golf ball inserting.
The cavities dripped as the soft tissue ripped
And the feces and blood began spurting.

The victims were warned they’d be punished and scorned
If they told any parents or teachers.
But by the next game, they were still hurt and shamed
You could see the red stains from the bleachers.

The season was stopped and the scholarships dropped
And the town became crazed and divided
A few sent regrets, the others—death threats
Till lawyers and cops were provided.

The rumors did spread from Rosedale to Riverhead
How a team went from scrimmage to Sodom
And poor Edmund cried when a splinter was pried
From the extra-large width of his bottom.

So now there’s a judge who will go through the sludge
Of how innocent boys were imperiled.
The legend will spread like the legs of poor Ed
and the rectum of Edmund Fitzgerald.
The rectum of Edmund Fitzgerald.

Dave’s Gone By Song (12/8/2003): IT’S A STIFF

click above to listen (audio only)

A holiday ditty based on the true story of a woman who disposed of her unwanted infant in a not-so-Christmassy way.

Song aired Dec. 8, 2003, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

IT’S A STIFF

Lyrics: David Lefkowitz. Music: Jule Styne’s “Let it Snow”)

Oh, the weather outside is frozen,

so a Brooklyn church was chosen

All bundled in a blanket and a rag

There’s a small baby corpse in a bag.

The mother didn’t want to have her

So now she’s a blue cadaver

And it stinks if you take a whiff

It’s a stiff, it’s a stiff, it’s a stiff.

All the congregants in the church

They try to sympathize with the mother

`cause maybe in nine more months,

She’ll make a lifeless brother.

`Cause she didn’t really have an option

`cept birth control, abortion or adoption

When you’re stuck with a useless tot,

Let it rot, let it rot, let it rot.

Well, it’s kinda hard feeling merry

When you’ve got a bag of bones to bury

There’s very little skin inside;

Mummified, mummified, mummified.

They’ll measure her casket size

While a sermon’s being written

And makeup will soon disguise

Fingers all black and frostbitten. (crack!)

Now the temperature may be frigid

Enough to make a newborn rigid

Too late to save the infant’s soul.

Dig a hole, dig a hole, dig a hole.

It was just the baby’s time to die.

Wonder why, wonder why, wonder why.

Dave’s Gone By Song (12/1/2003): PHOENIX ENVY

click above to listen (broadcast Dec. 1, 2003)

click above to listen (audio only)

Glen Campbell raises a glass too many.

This segment first aired Dec. 1, 2003 on the “Dave’s Gone By” program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz. Full episodes also available on youtube, Facebook (davesgoneby), Spotify, and on DavesGoneBy.com.

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

PHOENIX ENVY

(Lyrics: David Lefkowitz. Music: Jimmy Webb’s “By the Time I Get to Phoenix”)

(spoken in a slur) Let go o’ me! Let go o’ me!

By the time I get to Phoenix, I’ll be weavin’
Goin’ 80 miles an hour, maybe more
I’ll smash that lame Toyota with my Beemer
If there’s damage, that’s what royalties are for

By the time the police find me, I’ll be plastered
I’ll ramble on and on and on and on and on just like a kook
I’ll kick and fight those law-enforcement bastards
And fill their breathalyzer up with puke

By the time I get to prison, I’ll be sleepin’
I’ll be dreamin’ of how big I used to be
My son will pay my bail, and he’ll be weepin’
I’ll say, “Daddy’s gonna fight this! Wait and see.

This is how most country music comes to be
Let’s go home and talk this over, you and me
(hiccups) Wait, you go. That bar is open until three.”

Dave’s Gone By Song (5/11/2003): THE BALLAD OF PETE TOWNSHEND

click above

click above to listen (audio only)

Dave’s Gone By Song (5/11/2003): THE BALLAD OF PETE TOWNSHEND

The Who legend explains his internet searches.

This segment first aired May 11, 2003 as part of the “News Gone By” segment of the “Dave’s Gone By” program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz. Full episodes also available on youtube, Facebook (davesgoneby), Spotify, and on DavesGoneBy.com.

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

SONG: The Ballad of Pete Townshend

THE BALLAD OF PETE TOWNSHEND

(Lyrics: David Lefkowitz. Music: Alan Jay Lerner and Frederick Loewe’s “Thank Heaven for Little Girls”)

Thank heaven for little girls

For little girls are small in every way

Thank heaven for little boys

You can look at them with lust and not be gay.

When I was just a lad, I was molested

That’s why I like `em small and thimble-breasted

Thank heaven for little girls

For leading boys like me astray

Don’t call me a pedophile

Or judge me by the websites that I join

It’s normal to be beguiled

By fuzz upon an adolescent groin

A toddler in a speedo knocks me socks off

Just watching “Teletubbies” gets me rocks off

Thank heaven for little girls

And naked baby bodies on display

Thank heaven for pre-teen porn

The internet is full of nubile flesh

And please don’t treat me with scorn

`Cause once they menstruate, they’re not so fresh

When I get me a towel to put me sperm in

I do like Jeffrey Jones and Pee-Wee Herman

Thank heaven for little girls

For blowing boys like me away

Thank heaven for little girls

Their bottoms are just perfect for a spank

There’s nothing in all the world

Like reading “Little Women” when I –

(spoken) “Wait. Wait a minute. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls: as a member of The Who, I have been in the public eye for forty odd years. Aren’t I entitled to a little privacy? A little private time between me and me hard drive? It’s just research. To fight sexual abuse of children, you have to think like a pervert. As my music teacher once told me, `If you wanna play the violin, you gotta fiddle around a bit. Fiddle around a bit,’ he said. So ladies and gentlemen, I ask you to indulge a creative person. An artist. When I ram the neck of me Gibson Les Paul into an amp and make a big hole, that’s just a sublimation of your desires, ain’t it? And do you really think I could do that windmill move on the guitar if I didn’t spend hours practicing on something else?”

Young ladies are heaven sent

I keep them after school for a pop quiz

They finger me instrument

And when they’re done, I fill them up with . . . joy.

I would have sold a pot of gold and rubies

To make a mess on prepubescent boobies

Thank heaven for little girls

For pinball’s not the only game they play.

(spoken) “The kids are all right.”

Dave’s Gone By Song (5/11/2003): M-O-T-H-E-R

click above to listen (audio only)

click above to listen (lyric video of audio file)

Dave sings a Mother’s Day tribute to moms, acronymically.

Song aired May 11, 2003, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

All content (c)2003 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

M-O-T-H-E-R

by David Lefkowitz

M is for the Miracle of birth
O is for the Ovum growing free
T is for the Trouble that I caused her
H is for the Hysterectomy (six months later)
E is for Episiotomy scars
R is for three months in the Recovery Room

Put them all together they spell “MOTHER”
The only girl to want me in her womb.

Dave’s Gone By Song (5/3/2003): CAPTAIN LIFLANDER’S WAR MADRIGAL

click above to listen (audio only)

ZZSong-CaptainLiflander

Dave unearths a patriotic war song from the not-so-good-old days.

Segment originally aired May 3, 2003, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

CAPTAIN LIFLANDER’S MADRIGAL

Oh, Americans crave a tranquil life
We just want to live in peace
But the planet gives us war and strife
And it does not seem to cease

So we send our soldiers overseas
To protect our global plan
To bring our enemies to their knees
We’ll fight to the very last man.

With a row-dow, row-diddle dow,
With a row-dow diddle-aye dan.

If Saddam Hussein wants to bitch and complain
And to hide his poison gas
We’ll bomb his fields
And shall not yield
Till we kick some towelhead ass.

After that, look out Afghanistan
`Cause we’re coming back for more
For we bombed a slew of civilians there
No one cares if we kill a few more.

With a row-dow, row-diddle dow,
With a row-dow diddle-aye dor.

All this fear and fright from the Yemenites
Is a game we will not play
We will torture and kill each terrorist –
Where the hell is Yemen anyway?

And if Saudi Arabia doesn’t toe the line
We can bomb their palaces, too
And we’ll pick that Black Hawk up again
From the streets of Mogadishu.

With a row-dow, row-diddle dow,
With a row-dow diddle-aye doo.

To fight fundamentalists in Iran
We must aid and strengthen the Kurds
Disembowel the Sikhs
Those heathen freaks
By dropping bombs like turds

Oh, the Hindus and the Pakis, too,
They will dance to Yankee jigs
For the only way to keep Indians free
Is to treat them just like nigs

With a row-dow, row-diddle dow,
With a row-dow diddle-aye digs.

We shall go to Northern Ireland
To remove hostility
We’ll hide strychnine in the Catholics’ ale
Cyanide in the Protestants’ tea

If the Russkies dare to pollute our air
With threats of nuclear attack
We will give those worms
Some smallpox germs
And the Chechen rebels, anthrax

With a row-dow, row-diddle dow,
With a row-dow diddle-aye dax.

If the Chinese hun won’t leave Taiwan
We shall push them under the waves
We shall strafe them all by the Beijing wall
Put fortune cookies on their graves

We shall visit North Korea next
And we’ll blast those gooks to hell
Maybe this time we can push them back
To the 35th Parallel.

With a row-dow, row-diddle dow,
With a row-dow diddle-aye dell.

We will stand in the sand of Palestine
Show the Yids who’s really boss
Blow the head off any Arab kid
With a stone he’s planning to toss

Oh, the Ivory Coast will soon be toast
When we force Gbagbo to retrench
We will give all the rebels Pepsi and Coke
Just to thumb our nose at the French

With a row-dow, row-diddle dow,
With a row-dow diddle-aye dench.

When I see those hateful pacifist
How I loathe to see them whine
For they do not know how urgent it is
To protect the bottom line

So if some young soldiers have to die
For the good old USA
Let them blow our enemies to the sky
For that’s the American way.

With a row-dow, row-diddle dow,
With a row-dow diddle-hooray.

With a row-dow, row-diddle dow,
With a row-dow diddle-aye dench.

Dave’s Gone By Song (4/13/2003): DAYENU 2003

click above to listen (audio only)

Rabbi Sol Solomon sings his version of the Passover standard “Dayenu.”

Segment originally aired April 13, 2003, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

All content (c)2003 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

DAYENU 2003

Oh, even if He had been sleeping
While six million Jews were slaughtered
Even though He watched us tortured, Dayenu. (Dayenu)
Day Dayenu, Day Dayenu, Day Dayenu, Dayenu Dayenu

Even if the Muslim putzes
Weren’t blowing up our buses
Yadda Yadda Intifadeh, Dayenu (Dayenu)
We’re all crazy . . . about you
Couldn’t live without you
Who needs happiness?

Even if there was no Hitler
Even if there was no Haman
Why so many snippy gay men? Dayenu (Dayenu)
We are chosen
So we’re coping
Still, we’re hoping
You’ll choose someone else.

Even if we have big noses
Even if we’re prone to hair loss
Even if there was no Tay-Sachs, Dayenu (Dayenu)
God is looking
God is watching
God is botching everything He does.

Even when the goyim tease us
Even when the gulags freeze us
It’s okay, we murdered Jesus, Dayenu (Dayenu)

Day Day Dammit, Day Day Dammit, Day Day Dammit
Let’s sing it one more time (why don’t we?)
Day Day Dammit, Day Day Dammit, Day Day Dammit
And circumcision hurts, oy!