In July 2014, legendary Australian TV personality Rolf Harris was sentenced to 69 months in prison for molesting numerous under-aged women over the course of two decades. Let’s hear his song, shall we?
Song aired July 19, 2004, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode
All content (c)2014 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
TAKE YOUR UNDEROOS DOWN (The Rolf Harris Song)
(spoken) There’s an old Australian TV host, resting in his jail cell, surrounded by perverts, murderers, and stockbrokers. So he gets himself up on one elbow, and he turns to his mates, who are examining his hidden stash of child pornography, and he sings to them:
Once I used to be great, mate,
Once I used to be great.
Now just look at my fate, mate,
All the girls are irate – `cause I told them:
Take your Underoos down, slut,
Take your Underoos down
Keep your little mouth shut, slut
Take your Underoos down
She’s a tender young queen, Jean,
She’s a tender young queen
She was only 14, Jean,
She’s a tender young queen
All together now!
Take your Underoos down, slut,
Take your Underoos down
Keep your little mouth shut, slut
Take your Underoos down
That girl put me in heaven, Kevin
That girl put me in heaven.
She was only seven, Kevin
That girl put me in heaven.
Everyone!
Untie your Underoos now, slut,
Untie your Underoos now
Don’t you dare start a row, cow,
Untie your Underoos now
That one made me so glum, chum,
That one made me so glum
Filled her bum with my cum, chum,
But she snitched to her mum!
Oh no, now!
Pull your Underoos down, slut,
Pull your Underoos down
Show Uncle Rolfie your butt, slut,
Take your Underoos down
(sad section)
Now, they call me the devil, Neville,
Now they call me the devil
They’ll put me in the gravel, Neville,
Just like they did to Saville
Everyone!
Take your Underoos down, slut,
Take your Underoos down
Finger the place that’s brown, don’t frown!
Take your Underoos down
Show me a little bit more, whore
Show me a little bit more
Are you sure you’re only four, whore?
Show Uncle Rolfie some more!
All together now!
Take your Underoos down, slut,
Take your Underoos down
Take your Underoos down, slut,
Take your Underoos down
At last, Joey Eugene Gallegos, the Greeley Underwear Bandit, has been apprehended, and here is his song.
For the backstory on this song: http://www.denverpost.com/2013/08/21/greeley-police-arrest-suspected-underwear-thief/
Song aired Aug. 24, 2013, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode.
All content (c)2013 TotalTheater Productions. (Music: “Dandy,” by Ray Davies)
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
UNDIES
by David Lefkowitz
(sung to the music of “Dandy” by The Kinks)
Undies Undies Sittin’ in the laundry Puts me in a quand’ry
The women in this town Will bring their laundry down They’ll leave their clothes on spin Then I’ll sneak in for
Undies Undies Beautiful selection Just for my collection
It’s wrong to be a thief But I need some relief I know I’m breaking laws To steal the bras and
Panties Panties When nobody watches I sniff the crotches
I’ve got 300 pair Of ladies’ underwear It’s wrong, but I don’t care Because I long for
Undies Undies Undies.
Panties It’s just a bit of naughty fun Panties And now they keep me on the run Panties Well, I’m not hurting anyone
`Cause when I get them home I take them from my gunny sack And once I’ve shot my load in `em, they’re welcome to them back
Oh, Undies Undies Beautiful selection Gives me an erection
And when I’m put away No longer will I play I’ll sit and dream all day Of undies all my life All my life All my life All my life . . .
A song about the Trayvon Martin/George Zimmerman confrontation and trial.
Segment aired July 20, 2013, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast. All content (c)2013 TotalTheater Productions.
Lyrics & Performance by Dave Lefkowitz. Melody originally written by Sonny West, Bill Tilghman and Norman Petty and made famous by Buddy Holly.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
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Dave’s Gone By Song (11/24/2012): SANTA QUITS
An interview with a fed-up Santa Claus, Buchanan & Goodman style.
This song first aired Nov. 24, 2012 on the “Dave’s Gone By” program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz. Full episodes also available on youtube, Facebook (davesgoneby), Spotify, and on DavesGoneBy.com.
All content (c)2012 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
SANTA QUITS
(Lyrics: David Lefkowitz. Note: A mashup piece, in Buchanan & Goodman style, using short musical samples from other artists. Song titles are in parentheses with sampled quotes following.)
Y BHEKHIRST (Everytime I): Every time I think of you, la la la la la la la. . .
ANNOUNCER: We interrupt this record to bring you a special bulletin. Santa Claus is about to announce his retirement. I repeat Santa Claus is giving up the giving of gifts.
WILD MAN FISCHER (I’m a Christmas Tree): Oh, Santa Claus! Oh, Santa Claus!
ANNOUNCER: We switch you now to our on-the-spot reporter on the scene at the North Pole.
LOU REED (Caroline Says II): It’s so cold…
ANNOUNCER: Take it away John Cameron Sleazy.
JOHN CAMERON SLEAZY: This is John Cameron Sleazy at the North Pole. I’m talking to an elf.
RANDY NEWMAN (Short People): Short People…
JCS: Herman the Elf. How long have you worked in Santa’s Toyshop?
ROBYN HITCHCOCK (Sixteen Years): Sixteen years, and all I got was high.
JCS: My goodness. That’s quite a long time.
RUFUS WAINWRIGHT (Poses): No kidding.
JCS: And when did you first hear the news that Santa Claus was hanging up his stocking?
WILD MAN FISCHER (Yesterday): Yesterday.
ANNOUNCER: It must have been a shock. How did you react?
SHERRY VINE (Shit My Pants): Girl, I just shit my pants.
JCS: Well, that’s understandable. Disgusting but understandable What will you do now?
THE PRODUCERS (movie excerpt): Gonna crush Poland, then I’m gonna take over France.
JCS: Well, I certainly wish you luck with that. But we have to go over to Mrs. Claus. Santa’s wife has just emerged from a side entrance. Let’s try to catch her.
JCS: I’m John Cameron Sleazy from Eyewitless News. May we talk to you?
ROBERT KLEIN (Starting Your Car): Leave me alone!
JCS: We just wanna ask why your husband is quitting his job.
HANK WILLIAMS (Mind Your Own Business): Mind your own business.
JCS: But Madame, it’s the world’s business. If Santa leaves, what will the children get on Christmas?
LEON REDBONE (Ain’t Misbehavin’): What do I care?
JCS: Are you angry with your husband?
CARNIVAL (1961 Broadway cast): I hate him!
JCS: Very sad news here from the North Pole.
FRANK ZAPPA (Sharleena): I’m crying.
DEEJAY: That was the Heinous Anuses: “Crying!”
JCS: This is John Cameron Sleazy watching crowds gather outside Santa’s factory. Oh my goodness, two unemployed elves have broken into the workshop with hunting knives.
ARLO GUTHRIE (Alice’s Restaurant Massacre): Kill kill kill!
JCS: Santa fends them off with a machete!
2LIVECREW (Get the Fuck Out of My House): Get the fuck out my house!
JCS: Santa Claus is climbing up the chimney trying to escape.
ICE CUBE (When Will They Shoot?): They’ll never get me, they’ll never hit me.
JCS: The disturbed elf is giving chase.
ARLO GUTHRIE (Alice’s Restaurant Massacree): Kill kill kill!
JCS: Santa Claus has made it safely up the chimney and is surveying the crowd.
THE DRIFTERS (Up on the Roof): Up on the roof.
JCS: Santa Claus! Why have you resigned?
VAN MORRISON (So Complicated): So complicated, just want to blow my horn.
JCS: Your horn? Aren’t you Santa?
SHOOBY TAYLOR (Shooby Records): I’m Shooby Taylor, the human horn. When the fuck you gonna realize that?
JCS: No you are not, sir. And rumor has it that you have been forced to quit because of charges brought against you.
THE MAGNETIC FIELDS (I Don’t Believe You): I don’t believe you.
JCS: Children as young as five have accused you of sexual assault.
MATTHEW SWEET (What Do You Know): What do you know?
JCS: I have a child right here who says you molested him. Isn’t that right, Sonny?
AFROMAN (Colt 45): We fucked on the bed, fucked on the floor.
JCS: Santa, isn’t it true you made this boy push a lump of coal into your ass?
THE DOORS (The End): Son, I want to kill you.
DYLAN (1966 live, Like a Rolling Stone): You’re a liar!
JCS: Little boy, why did Santa make you do this?
LIZ PHAIR (Chopsticks): That way we can fuck and watch TV.
JCS: Santa, explain your behavior to this poor boy!
NEIL YOUNG (Hawks & Doves): Just don’t got nothing to say.
JCS: Why the coal, Santa? Was it to teach him something?
REDD FOXX (Wash Your Ass): You got to wash yo’ ass.
JCS: Oh Santa, is that why Mrs. Claus is abandoning you?
CEE-LO GREEN (Fuck You): Fuck you and fuck her, too.
JCS: Little boy, do you have any advice for other children in your situation?
ICE CUBE (Get Off My Dick and Tell Your Bitch to Come Here): Stay off his dick!
JCS: Santa Claus is climbing into his sleigh, and Rudolph does not look happy.
ELVIS COSTELLO (Oliver’s Army): And I would rather be anywhere else but here today.
JCS: Santa, before you go, do you have a message for the children of the world?
BOB DYLAN (Masters of War): And I hope that you die, and your death will come soon.
JCS: Santa that’s horrible. And where are you going exactly?
WING (Highway to Hell): I’m on the highway to hell.
JCS: And there he goes, the last of Santa and his reindeer.
Dave’s Gone By Song (3/14/2012): THE BAGEL BOAT SONG
Joined by percussionist Richard Shore, Rabbi Sol Solomon ends his stage show, Shalom Dammit!, with this ode to Jewish customs.
Though written years earlier, this song debuted in the live stage show, Shalom Dammit! An Evening with Rabbi Sol Solomon, which was filmed March 2012 during the play’s run at off-off-Broadway’s Richmond Shepard Theater. The same production would then move to the Roy Arias Theater for a two-week run in August 2012.
To date, the song has not been played on the “Dave’s Gone By” program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz. Full episodes are available on youtube, Facebook (davesgoneby), Spotify, and on DavesGoneBy.com.
All content (c)2012 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
SONG: The Bagel Boat Song
THE BAGEL BOAT SONG
(Lyrics: David Lefkowitz. Music: The traditional melody of “Day-O (The Banana Boat Song)” as adapted by Harry Belafonte, Irving Burgie, and William Attaway)
Oy vey, Oy vey
Rabbi’s coming, and we’re gonna go pray
Oy vey, Oy vey
Rabbi’s coming, and we’re gonna go pray
Eat gefilte fish and matzohs
Rabbi’s coming, and we’re gonna go pray
Sign petition, keep out schvartzes
Rabbi’s coming, and we’re gonna go pray
Roast beef, corned beef, hot pastrami
Rabbi’s coming, and we’re gonna go pray
Secretly agree with Meir Kahane
Rabbi’s coming, and we’re gonna go pray
Make the blessing on the challah
Rabbi’s coming, and we’re gonna go pray
Mark the clothing down a dollah
Rabbi’s coming, and we’re gonna go pray
Kiss the fringes on your tallis
Rabbi’s coming, and we’re gonna go pray
Abba Eban Uber Alles
Rabbi’s coming, and we’re gonna go pray
Oy vey, Oy vey
Rabbi’s coming, and we’re gonna go pray
Oy vey, Oy vey
Rabbi’s coming, and we’re gonna go pray
Rabbi’s son is such a dork
Rabbi’s coming, and we’re gonna go pray
Caught him in the bathroom sniffing pork
Rabbi’s coming, and we’re gonna go pray
Trouble at my grandson’s bris
Rabbi’s coming, and we’re gonna go pray
Rabbi sneezed and the mohel missed!
Rabbi’s coming, and we’re gonna go pray
Oy!
Misavey Misavey misavey misaveh-eh-eh-ey (hey!)
Rabbi’s coming, and we’re gonna go pray
Oy vey Oy vey
Rabbi’s coming, and we’re gonna go pray
Have a seder every Pesach
Rabbi’s coming, and we’re gonna go pray
Relatives all die of Tay-Sachs
Rabbi’s coming, and we’re gonna go pray
Grandma used to rely on hope
Rabbi’s coming, and we’re gonna go pray
Now she is a bar of soap
Rabbi’s coming, and we’re gonna go pray
Come, Mrs. Lieberman, come and kiss the Torah
Rabbi’s coming, and we’re gonna go pray
How’d you like to do the horizontal hora?
Rabbi’s coming, and we’re gonna go pray
Kiss your phylacteries, say your bruchas
Rabbi’s coming, and we’re gonna go pray
Bend your knees and move your tuchas
Rabbi’s coming, and we’re gonna go pray
(for the men!)
Scratch your crotch and cough up phlegm
Rabbi’s coming, and we’re gonna go pray
Next year in Jerusalem!
Rabbi’s coming, and we’re gonna go pray
(for the women!)
Paint your nails and wear a wig
Rabbi’s coming, and we’re gonna go pray
Just don’t think of eating pig
Rabbi’s coming, and we’re gonna go pray
(everyone!)
Sing it strong and sing it loud
Rabbi’s coming, and we’re gonna go pray
We killed Jesus, and we’re proud!
Rabbi’s coming, and we’re gonna go pray
Oy vey Oy vey
Rabbi’s coming, and we’re gonna go pray
Oy vey Oy vey
Rabbi’s coming, and we’re gonna go pray.
Dave’s Gone By Song (8/1/2012): SO YOU WANNA BE A JEW
Rabbi Sol Solomon extols the virtues of being a Jew, just like him.
This song was written for the live stage show, Shalom Dammit! An Evening with Rabbi Sol Solomon, which was filmed Aug. 1, 2002 during the play’s run at off-off-Broadway’s Richmond Shepard Theater.
To date, the song has not been played on the “Dave’s Gone By” program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz. Full episodes are available on youtube, Facebook (davesgoneby), Spotify, and on DavesGoneBy.com.
All content (c)2012 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
SO YOU WANNA BE A JEW
(Lyrics: David Lefkowitz. Music: Richard M. Sherman and Robert M. Sherman’s “I Wan’na be Like You (The Monkey Song)”.)
Well, I’m the head of a synagogue in old Great Neck, New York Although I am not orthodox at least I don’t eat pork (except spare ribs)
I am generally miserable That’s just how I be So it’s quite a shock And my world is rocked When I hear you wanna be like me.
Oh, You-hoo-hoo You wanna be a Jew-hoo-hoo? You wanna grow a beard Dress up weird Nu-hu-hu?
It’s all right If you wanna be an Israelite Just learn the laws Ditch Santa Claus And you just might
Now, you don’t have to get circumcised Well, not if you’re a chick But boy oh boy If you’re a goy You better go snip that dick
Now get two sets of dishes And a prayer book, of course Then find a wife And spend your life Praying for death or divorce
Oh, boo-hoo-hoo Wanna be Hebrew-hoo-hoo You wanna wake up sore Kiss the door Lose two pounds on Yom Kippur
Oh, boy-oy-oy Who wants to be a goy-oy-oy? Just drop the cross No big loss say “oy-oy-oy!”
It’s true that I’m outspoken I’m sorry if I shout But when Jews are quiet You can’t deny it – We tend to get rubbed out
So I say what I say, that’s just my way When I have you in my grip And it’s just as well `Cause I’m cute as hell When I do my gaza strip
Ohh… ai ai ai So you wanna be like this Rabbi And like me, you’ll Run a shul For Adonai
Ki-yi-yids You wanna be Yi-yi-yids I’ve got lots more facts In the second act So come on baaack! Dammit!
Joined by accompanist Richard Shore, Rabbi Sol Solomon tells tales of this lesser-known Jewish holiday.
This song was written for the live stage show, Shalom Dammit! An Evening with Rabbi Sol Solomon, which was filmed March 14, 2012 during the play’s run at off-off-Broadway’s Richmond Shepard Theater.
To date, the song has not been played on the “Dave’s Gone By” program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz. Full episodes are available on youtube, Facebook (davesgoneby), Spotify, and on DavesGoneBy.com.
All content (c)2012 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
SHMINI ATZERET
(Lyrics: David Lefkowitz. Music: Cab Calloway and Irving Mills’s “Minnie the Moocher”)
This is a song about Shmini Atzeret It’s just three minutes – if you can bear it We sit around in the Sukkah together Hoping for peace and half-decent weather
Chai dee chai dee chai dee chai Cho dee cho dee cho dee cho Chee dee chee dee chee dee chee Cho dee cho dee cho
I sit all day with a bible in front o’ me Until I reach the end of Deuteronomy We dance around, say prayers, and then we have to start with Genesis all over again
Chai dee chai dee chai dee chai Ribbity bibbity bobbity bay Oosha oosha oosha boom Cho dee cho dee chay
There was a Rabbi on this happy day He drank too much and got carried away They found him crouching behind the Sukkah Strung out on crank with an underage hooka
Oy dee oy dee oy dee oy Tradition! Yodel odel odel le hee Cho dee cho dee cho
There was a Rabbi, we’ll call him “Freddy” He did brisses, but his hands were not steady They tracked him down; what they saw was creepy They found three knives and a sack full of peepees
Oh dee oy dee oy dee oy Hey sexy lady! Spiddleeobledeebahboodleebobbledee, etc. (gibberish) Cho dee cho dee cho
Well, that’s the story of Shmini Atzeret I’m glad that you, my friends, were here to hear it It may be minor, but one thing is sure I’ll take it any day over Yom K’friggin-pur
Chai dee chai dee chai dee chai Cho dee cho dee cho dee cho Chee dee chee dee chee dee chee Cho dee cho dee cho
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(c)2010 Dave Lefkowitz NOTE: This St. Patrick’s Day debuted March 17, 2010 on the 325th episode of the “Dave’s Gone By” show. I’m not Irish, but I wish I were `Cause the Irish love their fun When the Irish come to celebrate They don’t stop till the potcheen’s done
So although I’m not an Irishman I can hold my glass up high I can drink just like an Irishman And I will until I die
That is why I’m tight Each and every night Fill my glass, and all will be right When I… Drink, drink, drink `til I’m drunk Then drink until I’m sick
Rugby and politics, pour me a shot Mountbatten really deserved what he got Grab me a Guinness; grab me a stout I won’t stop `til it all vomits out When I drink, drink, drink `til I’m drunk And drink until I’m sick.
Watch me stumble out of the bar Onto the sidewalk and into my car When I come swerving into your lane Hoist up a glass, and we’ll drink up again When we drink, drink, drink `til we’re drunk And drink until we’re sick.
Everyone dresses so festive and gay Wearing the green on St. Paddy’s Day Thanks to the whuskee and thanks to the booze I’m wearing green from my mouth to my shoes When I drink, drink, drink `til I’m drunk And drink until I’m sick.
Drink `til I stagger, drink `til I fall and cover the sidewalk with throat alcohol Call me a loser, call me a jerk Still, it beats taxes, marriage, and work
So I drink, drink, drink `til I’m drunk And drink until I’m sick (everybody!) Drink, drink, drink `til you’re drunk And drink until you’re sick (one more time!) Drink, drink, drink `til you’re drunk And drink until you’re sick!
This segment aired Dec. 28, 2008 on the “Dave’s Gone By” video podcast program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz. Full episodes also available on youtube, Facebook (davesgoneby), and on DavesGoneBy.com.
All content (c)2008 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
MY CHANUKAH WISH
(music and lyrics by David Lefkowitz)
Everyone loves the holiday season
Each for his own particular reason
Some like the spirit, the warmth and the mood
Some like the rituals: football and food
Some crave the family, others the lights
Opening presents for eight days and nights
All of these blessings are nice to recall
But they’re not the one gift I want most of all…
Spending the holidays lonely and blue
No one to see, and not much to do
Ain’t got no girlfriend, ain’t got no misses
No one to hug me and thrill me with kisses
This time of year can be hard on your heart
I bury myself in my work and my art
But still I keep wishing the Lord hears my prayers
proving to me that he listens and cares
So please God, I’ve been a good boy
Won’tcha bring me some comfort and joy?
Please God, my life is so blah
I wanna get laid on Chanukah.
I see all these couples go hand in hand
But I’m all alone and I don’t understand
I ain’t bad lookin’, and I treat people well
But women don’t buy what I tryin’ to sell
I go on Craigslist; I surf around J-Date
But no little Jewess will come be my playmate
It’s not like I’m looking for something long-term
I just need a vessel to unload my sperm.
Hey God, this is my plea
Won’tcha just do this thing for me?
Please God, come to my aid
I wanna get laid on Chanukah
Back in the days of Two Hundred BC
Judah and the family Maccabee
They rid the temple of every last Greek
One drop of oil for the whole friggin’ week
Those are the miracles God tends to do
So why can’t he make one for this horny Jew?
I don’t have a temple, and I’m not in a war
I just wanna meet a Hebraic whore
Well, Hey, God, I don’t ask much
I just want a gal I can fondle and touch
Let me undo a lacy red bra
I wanna get laid on Chanukah!
Now, I admit, I ain’t the marrying kind
Commitment like that drives me out of my mind
But this time of year is it too much to hope
For a gal in a red suit to slide down my rope?
Hey, God, enough of your crap
Give me a gift I can bounce on my lap
Only one girl; don’t need a parade
I wanna get laid on Chanukah!
Maybe I’ll stop by the local saloon
Find some girl with whom I can commune
Fill her head with what she wants to hear
And buy her beer after beer after beer after beer after beer after beer after beer after beer after beer after beer after beer after beer I would usher her out of the bar
On my weekly radio program, Dave’s Gone By, I’ve often made an effort to anti-celebrate the Christmas season with songs, by me and others, that kick the air out of Santa’s tires and suck the last drop of oil out of the great temple’s Menorah. I bet if Adam Sandler had done this on SNL, he’d have had a minor hit to follow his you-know-what song.
The tune debuted on my 300th episode, which aired Dec. 28, 2008, and I brought it back for my celebratory 600th episode in April 2017.
This segment first aired Oct. 5, 2008 on the “Dave’s Gone By” program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz. Full episodes also available on youtube, Facebook (davesgoneby), Spotify, and on DavesGoneBy.com.
The song was also played on the Nov. 2, 2008 episode of the Dr. Demento Show.
All content (c)2008 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
CRAPPY DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN
(Lyrics: David Lefkowitz. Music: Milton Ager’s 1929 song, “Happy Days are Here Again”)
