Segment originally aired Dec. 23, 2004, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode.
All content (c)2004 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
WE KILLED SANTA CLAUS
by David Lefkowitz (sung to “Here Come Santa Claus” by Gene Autry & Oakley Haldeman)
We killed Santa Claus We killed Santa Claus We killed Jesus, too Nailed him to a cross No big freakin’ loss Just another cranky Jew
All our life was trouble and strife From the Holocaust to Pogroms. So keep J.C. away from me He’s worse than terrorist bombs.
We kill babies We kill children Use their blood for cake. We own Hollywood We own Wall Street Take take take take take
This is what you’ve said about us For the past 2,000 years Pound, Voltaire, and Charles Baudelaire and any goy who’s had four beers
We killed Santa Claus We killed Santa Claus And we’d do it again Goodbye carols Goodbye crèches No goodwill toward men
You’ve hated us since the birth of Christ So we hate you in return So stick your mass Straight up your ass And burn, Joan of Arc, bitch, burn.
A deeply warped and perverted take on “The Night Before Christmas,” for your holiday pleasure.
Segment originally aired Dec. 30, 2004, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode
All content (c)2004 TotalTheater Productions. More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
SANTASIA
by David Lefkowitz
`Twas the night before Christmas And all through the malls Santa was bouncing young boys on his balls. The children would snuggle all deep in his lap Which is why Santa’s suit had a secret front flap.
His stocking was hung like a pornstar in heat As fidgety children would straddle his meat The mommies would wander and endlessly shop While Santa found nine-year-old cherries to pop.
On Trojan, on Durex, on Hot Rod and Crown His tree would light up when the children went down. With tears in his eyes and beer on his breath, Old Santa would quiver with each little death.
And when he was through, he’d give each child a buck “Ho, ho, ho!” he would say. “And thanks for the fuck!” After every tenth child, he drank juice and rested And gave candy canes to the tykes he molested.
Only twice all day did he excuse himself To visit the men’s room and bugger an elf. And when he was finished, he again took his place With a boy on his lap and a girl on his face.
Then, outside the store, there arose such a ruckus That Santa stopped fondling an eight-year-old’s tuchas. He said, “What the hell?” and jumped flat to the floor As a dozen policemen burst through the door.
“You, in the fat suit! You’ve got quite a nerve.” “Yes, twelve inches long,” said the jolly old perv. “That’s not what I meant,” said Captain O’Flynn. “Now put your hands up and your pecker back in!”
“But what did I do?” Santa said with a shrug. “I just gave them affection . . . and sex and a drug.” “We know who you are, and it’s not Santa Claus. You’re just an old weirdo who breaks Megan’s Laws.”
“But these children love me! They’re all my new friends. So what if there’s blood coming out their rear ends? I treat them as equals regardless of class. `Cause Santa loves fairness, and an ass is an ass. Each child gets a chance to hold Santa’s hand, To stroke Santa’s beard, and yank Santa’s gland. From the brawniest jock to the scrawniest worm, All children are blessed when covered with sperm.”
A whole minute passed `fore the Captain could speak. With a lump in his throat and tears down his cheek. “Forgive me,” he said, “I was quick to accuse. I saw all these youngsters with stained underoos. I just didn’t realize you had such a heart; They’re lucky to have you at this mega-mart. Don’t let us disturb you; we’ll be on our way. Merry Christmas, dear Santa, and have a nice day.”
And quick as a wink, the cops left the store, And Santa went back to his under-age whores. He looked at his penis, all hairy and bent and said, “Thank God five is the age of consent.”
He saw one child laughing and said, “Think that’s funny? I’m gentle compared to my pal, Easter Bunny.” Now, line up in order, and don’t you get fresh. I’m harder than granite and crave sweet young flesh.
He gave the kids candy; he gave the moms cash. He gave the whole town a venereal rash. And when the last child had been raped and defiled Santa Claus looked at his winkie and smiled.
He stood up and leered and did a cute dance And tasted the smears that were left on his pants. The children said, “Santa, where is your sleigh?” “Out there,” he said, pointing to a black Chevrolet.
“Do you have any reindeer? Do you have any toys?” “Just the ones I used on you, girls and boys.”
Said one little girl still rubbing her rear, “Please tell us, dear Santa, you’ll be back next year.” Santa paused for a moment, then leaned down and kissed her. “Of course I will,” he whispered, “if you bring your sister. Now carry my suitcase. I warn you, it’s heavy.” And quick as a wink, they were off to his Chevy.
The engine did rev, and the tires did screech. The upholstery smelled of whiskey and bleach and beer and tobacco and dog diarrhea as off Santa went to the next galleria.
But they heard him exclaim as he drove off the lot, “Merry Christmas to all! Goddamn, that was hot.”
Segment originally aired Dec. 9, 2004, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode
All content (c)2004 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
IS IT GOOD FOR THE JEWS?
by Rabbi Sol Solomon (as transcribed by David Lefkowitz)
Is it good for the Jews?
Do we win? Do we lose?
Should we laugh? Should we cry?
666 or maybe chai?
Is it righteous
Is it wrong?
Is it relevant to this song?
Weigh the subtext and the clues
As they pertain to Jews.
Ask the Rebbe, ask the mohel
Is it good for Yisroel?
Do we dance or sing the blues
Is it good, goddammit, for the Jew?
Does it mollify? Does it harm?
Does it qualify for alarm?
Is the danger far or near?
Is it joy or oy vey iz mir?
Is it heaven? Is it hell?
Do we gasp, or do we kvell?
A mound of gold or a pile of shoes
Is it good . . . ?
Segment originally aired Nov. 4, 2004, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode.
All content (c)2004 TotalTheater Productions. More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
MAKIN’ POOPIES
by David Lefkowitz
Another seat, another bowl Another log comes out my hole It’s really pleasin’ when I’m a-squeezin’ And makin’ poopies.
I pull my shorts below my rump I read the sports and take a dump It’s brown and shiny straight from the hiney That’s makin’ poopies.
Sometimes I sit for ages waiting so patiently. Though my intestine rages, nuggets are all I see.
I eat some bran and have some juice Run to the can and shake it loose I wipe my tushie when it gets mooshy From makin’ poopies.
My little rectum, it does the job Be it a hot dog or just a blob It’s such a passion to feel the splashin’ Of makin’ poopies.
I grit my teeth and hug my gut while underneath I hear a “splut” It always happens with all my crappin’s I’m makin’ poopies.
One day my gut got swollen, I chalked it up to gas. But when I touched my colon, Blood shot out of my ass.
Now I feel woe, and it’s a drag `cause when I go, it’s in a bag I miss the odors of all the floaters When making poopies.
So listen here, I recommend That once a year, check your rear end. Just find a docto’ to do a procto He’ll stick a finga up your gazinga You’ll scream and yelp, but it may help in makin’ poopies.
A song of tribute to Jeopardy champion Ken Jennings
Segment originally aired July 22, 2004, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode.
All content (c)2004 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
JEOPARDY KEN
by David Lefkowitz
Deep in his bank account, he’s put a million bucks Some call it genius, while others call it luck He looks like something that fell off a turnip truck.
Everybody sing: Hey Jeopardy Ken, do it again, Jeopardy Ken. Hey, Jeopardy Ken, what did you win, Jeopardy Ken?
He comes from Utah and his brother picks his ties “Oh look, he won again.” Surprise, surprise, surprise. He’s such a marvel, he’s the devil in disguise.
All the mormons sing: Hey Jeopardy Ken, do it again, Jeopardy Ken. Hey, Jeopardy Ken, what did you win, Jeopardy Ken?
He’s just as smug as a computer geek can be All the suspense is gone by Final Jeopardy But no one else can run the board on Potpourri.
Alex Trebek sings: Hey Jeopardy Ken, do it again, Jeopardy Ken. Hey, Jeopardy Ken, what did you win, Jeopardy Ken? Hey Jeopardy Ken, do it again, Jeopardy Ken. Hey, Jeopardy Ken, what did you win, Jeopardy Ken? (Ale!)
With Muslim terrorists now staging decapitations for video, let’s imagine a song to go with them.
Segment originally aired June 24, 2004, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode.
All content (c)2004 TotalTheater Productions. More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
LOOK WHAT THEY DONE TO MY HEAD, MA
by David Lefkowitz
Look what they done to my head, ma. Look what they done to my head. Well, they hacked it off with a giant sword And left me lying dead, ma. Look what they done to my head.
They put my face on the `net. They put my face on the `net. We’ve changed regimes, but it don’t seem to make no difference yet, ma. They put my face on the `net.
They made me read the Koran, man. They made me read the Koran. But I crossed my fingers and bit my tongue And cursed the name Allah, ma, So now I’m buried in dung.
Oh, look what they done to my head, ma. Look what they done to my head. Well, they tied it up in a plastic bag before I was even dead, ma. Look what they done to my head.
One days these Muslims will pay, ma One day these Arabs will pay. They’ll pay in blood and burning flesh for what they done today, ma. One day these scumbags will pay.
Oh, look what they done to your son, ma. Look what they done to your son. Well, they slaughtered me and martyred me And now my song is done, ma Look what they done: now I’m gone.
This song was performed a cappella March 15, 2004 on the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz on Long Island, NY’s WGBB-AM. Full episodes also available on youtube, Spotify, and on DavesGoneBy.com.
All content (c)2026 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
PUSSY BELOW
(c)2004 David Lefkowitz
There’s cake in the oven
There’s cheese in the fridge
There’s bottles of whiskey
Lined up on the bridge
So come all you sailors
And hear what I know
There’s music above
And there’s pussy below
The Captain’s a fine man
And knows what to do
To make life a pleasure
For all of his crew
So haul up the anchor
Away we will go
The sky up above
And there’s pussy below
Pussy below
Pussy below
When oceans get rough
You know where to go
Just throw on a raincoat
There’s pussy below.
There’s Bombay and Persian
Exotic Burmese
Some play their whole life
While others just tease
If you stroke and pet them
How big you will grow
It’s easy to love
All the pussy below.
The Captain has contacts
In Rome and Shanghai
He sneaks kittens in
And rum on the sly
A stay in the steerage
Will banish all woe
You won’t find a dog
In the pussies below
Pussy below
Pussy below
Just fondle their fur
And they’ll make you purr
It’s catnip to sailors
The pussy below.
Now, young men at sea
Can get lonely sometimes
And if you don’t watch
They turn queerer than mimes
There’s sheep in the cabin
So give `em a throw
And if you get desp’rate
There’s pussy below
To work on a ship
Is a very hard life
The crew is your girlfriend
The captain, your wife
You might catch the big one
But better be quick;
The seamen will jump
When you grab Moby Dick
So come all ye sailors
And lovers of cats
They lap up your milk
While they chase away rats
The sea it will rock
And the wind it will blow
And so will the pussy
The pussy below
Pussy below
Pussy below
When they’re on the prowl
You’ll never say no
To loving a pussy
A pussy below.
Segment originally aired Dec. 23, 2004, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode.
All content (c)2004 TotalTheater Productions. More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
(I’M HAVING A) GAY CHRISTMAS
by Peter Fitzgerald (as transcribed by David Lefkowitz)
Oh oh oh!
I’m having a gay Christmas, just my lover and me We’ve got a goose in the oven, and vibrating novelties on the tree. I’m having a gay Christmas! Makes me feel so young. The lights are glowing, the wind is blowing, And the stockings are well-hung.
I’m having a gay Christmas, carolers at the door Each one gets a flavored condom If I can put it on `em, I give `em one more I’m having a gay Christmas, shouting Ho Ho Ho! I sing and dance and unzip my pants Underneath the mistletoe.
Now, too many people are too uptight, And they miss the beauty of a silent night But ask my partner, that’s not how I am When I poke his long, and he smokes my ham.
I’m having a sissy Christmas, full of yuletide cheer I’m greasin’ up my chimney `cause between you and me, Santa’s queer! He’s a bringing a load of presents I’m gonna wear them all And if candy canes leave sticky stains, I’ll return them at the mall.
Now Christmas is a wonderful word The sexiest word I’ve ever heard. It starts with Christ, and ends in ass, And “mm” in between for a great big mass!
I’m having a gay Christmas, just like Jesus did The thought of him kissing Judas makes me want to molest a kid (no!) I’m having a gay Christmas, eggnog by the fire I wax my thighs and fantasize About the Vienna Boys Choir.
Now Christmas is a time of joy For every girl and, especially, boy. And on December 24th, Santa’s pole points north, north, north!
I’m having a gay Christmas, yule log on the tube I’m making my special icing, and basting the goose with k.y. lube I’m having a gay Christmas, fruitcakes filled with rum I shake and bake until I make all ye faithful cum!
A ballad not-so-loosely based on the Mepham High School sodomy trial on Long Island.
Song aired Jan. 19, 2004, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode
All content (c)2004 TotalTheater Productions. More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
THE RECTUM OF EDMUND FITZGERALD
by David Lefkowitz
The story did play on News 12 and Newsday and it filled up the old Nassau Herald How kids from the school were so vicious and cruel To the rectum of Edmund Fitzgerald.
The town of Bellmore lies upon the South Shore On an affluent part of Long Island They pay a high tax just to keep out the blacks In the hopes that their kids won’t grow violent.
Now, one such young boy was his mom’s pride and joy Such a virile and athletic laddie Like others his age, he thought sports the rage And he tried to be just like his daddy.
It felt like a dream when young Ed made the team As a junior varsity halfback But some other players gave him arrogant stares He became their continual laughtrack.
He played right along, and he tried to be strong To show he had no trepidation It gave him the creeps, but these were his peeps And he longed for the team’s validation.
He managed all right until one summer night When the team went to north Pennsylvania As silent as monks, they all rose from their bunks as if gripped by a furious mania.
With nary a sound and no coaches around The older kids pummeled the juvies They guarded the door while the boys licked the floor And then squealed like the guy in the movies.
Although that hurt some, there were worse things to come When the new guys were forced to get naked The quarterback grinned, “Let the hazing begin! If you wanna be one of us, take it!”
The torture began all according to plan With a rhythm like boom-chika-boom-chik “You better not howl, or we’ll puncture your bowel With the rubberized end of a broomstick.”
When that part was fun, they continued the fun Of pine cone and golf ball inserting. The cavities dripped as the soft tissue ripped And the feces and blood began spurting.
The victims were warned they’d be punished and scorned If they told any parents or teachers. But by the next game, they were still hurt and shamed You could see the red stains from the bleachers.
The season was stopped and the scholarships dropped And the town became crazed and divided A few sent regrets, the others—death threats Till lawyers and cops were provided.
The rumors did spread from Rosedale to Riverhead How a team went from scrimmage to Sodom And poor Edmund cried when a splinter was pried From the extra-large width of his bottom.
So now there’s a judge who will go through the sludge Of how innocent boys were imperiled. The legend will spread like the legs of poor Ed and the rectum of Edmund Fitzgerald. The rectum of Edmund Fitzgerald.
A holiday ditty based on the true story of a woman who disposed of her unwanted infant in a not-so-Christmassy way.
Song aired Dec. 8, 2003, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode.
All content (c)2003 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
A ballad not-so-loosely based on the Mepham High School sodomy trial on Long Island. 