At last, Joey Eugene Gallegos, the Greeley Underwear Bandit, has been apprehended, and here is his song.
For the backstory on this song: http://www.denverpost.com/2013/08/21/greeley-police-arrest-suspected-underwear-thief/
Song aired Aug. 24, 2013, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode.
All content (c)2013 TotalTheater Productions. (Music: “Dandy,” by Ray Davies)
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
UNDIES
by David Lefkowitz
(sung to the music of “Dandy” by The Kinks)
Undies Undies Sittin’ in the laundry Puts me in a quand’ry
The women in this town Will bring their laundry down They’ll leave their clothes on spin Then I’ll sneak in for
Undies Undies Beautiful selection Just for my collection
It’s wrong to be a thief But I need some relief I know I’m breaking laws To steal the bras and
Panties Panties When nobody watches I sniff the crotches
I’ve got 300 pair Of ladies’ underwear It’s wrong, but I don’t care Because I long for
Undies Undies Undies.
Panties It’s just a bit of naughty fun Panties And now they keep me on the run Panties Well, I’m not hurting anyone
`Cause when I get them home I take them from my gunny sack And once I’ve shot my load in `em, they’re welcome to them back
Oh, Undies Undies Beautiful selection Gives me an erection
And when I’m put away No longer will I play I’ll sit and dream all day Of undies all my life All my life All my life All my life . . .
A song about the Trayvon Martin/George Zimmerman confrontation and trial.
Segment aired July 20, 2013, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast. All content (c)2013 TotalTheater Productions.
Lyrics & Performance by Dave Lefkowitz. Melody originally written by Sonny West, Bill Tilghman and Norman Petty and made famous by Buddy Holly.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
click above to hear the song (video file)click above to listen (audio only)
(c)2010 Dave Lefkowitz NOTE: This St. Patrick’s Day debuted March 17, 2010 on the 325th episode of the “Dave’s Gone By” show. I’m not Irish, but I wish I were `Cause the Irish love their fun When the Irish come to celebrate They don’t stop till the potcheen’s done
So although I’m not an Irishman I can hold my glass up high I can drink just like an Irishman And I will until I die
That is why I’m tight Each and every night Fill my glass, and all will be right When I… Drink, drink, drink `til I’m drunk Then drink until I’m sick
Rugby and politics, pour me a shot Mountbatten really deserved what he got Grab me a Guinness; grab me a stout I won’t stop `til it all vomits out When I drink, drink, drink `til I’m drunk And drink until I’m sick.
Watch me stumble out of the bar Onto the sidewalk and into my car When I come swerving into your lane Hoist up a glass, and we’ll drink up again When we drink, drink, drink `til we’re drunk And drink until we’re sick.
Everyone dresses so festive and gay Wearing the green on St. Paddy’s Day Thanks to the whuskee and thanks to the booze I’m wearing green from my mouth to my shoes When I drink, drink, drink `til I’m drunk And drink until I’m sick.
Drink `til I stagger, drink `til I fall and cover the sidewalk with throat alcohol Call me a loser, call me a jerk Still, it beats taxes, marriage, and work
So I drink, drink, drink `til I’m drunk And drink until I’m sick (everybody!) Drink, drink, drink `til you’re drunk And drink until you’re sick (one more time!) Drink, drink, drink `til you’re drunk And drink until you’re sick!
This segment aired Dec. 28, 2008 on the “Dave’s Gone By” video podcast program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz. Full episodes also available on youtube, Facebook (davesgoneby), and on DavesGoneBy.com.
All content (c)2008 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
MY CHANUKAH WISH
(music and lyrics by David Lefkowitz)
Everyone loves the holiday season
Each for his own particular reason
Some like the spirit, the warmth and the mood
Some like the rituals: football and food
Some crave the family, others the lights
Opening presents for eight days and nights
All of these blessings are nice to recall
But they’re not the one gift I want most of all…
Spending the holidays lonely and blue
No one to see, and not much to do
Ain’t got no girlfriend, ain’t got no misses
No one to hug me and thrill me with kisses
This time of year can be hard on your heart
I bury myself in my work and my art
But still I keep wishing the Lord hears my prayers
proving to me that he listens and cares
So please God, I’ve been a good boy
Won’tcha bring me some comfort and joy?
Please God, my life is so blah
I wanna get laid on Chanukah.
I see all these couples go hand in hand
But I’m all alone and I don’t understand
I ain’t bad lookin’, and I treat people well
But women don’t buy what I tryin’ to sell
I go on Craigslist; I surf around J-Date
But no little Jewess will come be my playmate
It’s not like I’m looking for something long-term
I just need a vessel to unload my sperm.
Hey God, this is my plea
Won’tcha just do this thing for me?
Please God, come to my aid
I wanna get laid on Chanukah
Back in the days of Two Hundred BC
Judah and the family Maccabee
They rid the temple of every last Greek
One drop of oil for the whole friggin’ week
Those are the miracles God tends to do
So why can’t he make one for this horny Jew?
I don’t have a temple, and I’m not in a war
I just wanna meet a Hebraic whore
Well, Hey, God, I don’t ask much
I just want a gal I can fondle and touch
Let me undo a lacy red bra
I wanna get laid on Chanukah!
Now, I admit, I ain’t the marrying kind
Commitment like that drives me out of my mind
But this time of year is it too much to hope
For a gal in a red suit to slide down my rope?
Hey, God, enough of your crap
Give me a gift I can bounce on my lap
Only one girl; don’t need a parade
I wanna get laid on Chanukah!
Maybe I’ll stop by the local saloon
Find some girl with whom I can commune
Fill her head with what she wants to hear
And buy her beer after beer after beer after beer after beer after beer after beer after beer after beer after beer after beer after beer I would usher her out of the bar
On my weekly radio program, Dave’s Gone By, I’ve often made an effort to anti-celebrate the Christmas season with songs, by me and others, that kick the air out of Santa’s tires and suck the last drop of oil out of the great temple’s Menorah. I bet if Adam Sandler had done this on SNL, he’d have had a minor hit to follow his you-know-what song.
The tune debuted on my 300th episode, which aired Dec. 28, 2008, and I brought it back for my celebratory 600th episode in April 2017.
This segment first aired Oct. 5, 2008 on the “Dave’s Gone By” program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz. Full episodes also available on youtube, Facebook (davesgoneby), Spotify, and on DavesGoneBy.com.
The song was also played on the Nov. 2, 2008 episode of the Dr. Demento Show.
All content (c)2008 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
CRAPPY DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN
(Lyrics: David Lefkowitz. Music: Milton Ager’s 1929 song, “Happy Days are Here Again”)
Penned in 1991, this song first aired Dec. 23, 2007 on the “Dave’s Gone By” program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz. Full episodes also available on youtube, Facebook (davesgoneby), Spotify, and on DavesGoneBy.com.
All content (c)2007 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com PUBIC HAIR
(Lyrics: David Lefkowitz. Music: The traditional melody of “O Tannenbaum”)
click above to listenclick above to listen (broadcast July 9, 2006)
Dave’s Gone By Song (7/9/2006): PSYCHO BLUES
A song o’ psychopathy.
This segment first aired July 9, 2006 on the “Dave’s Gone By” program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz. Full episodes also available on youtube, Facebook (davesgoneby), Spotify, and on DavesGoneBy.com.
All content (c)2006 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
SONG: Psycho Blues
PSYCHO BLUES
(music & lyrics by David Lefkowitz)
Well, I got up this morning, and I had sex with my terrier
Well, I got up this morning and had sex with my terrier
She was long and lean
Vicious and mean
Just like my mama, but hairier.
Oh-oh-ho
Well, I went down the road, and I raped my neighbor’s cow
Yeah, I went down the road, and I raped my neighbor’s cow
She gave a shudder
When I sliced off her udder
She’s just a meatpile now.
Uh-huh-huh
Then I got in my car, and I drove 130 miles an hour
I just got in my car, and I drove 130 miles an hour
A cop gave chase
So I blew off his face
His blood hit me like a shower.
Oh-ho-ho
When I got to my office, I set my desk on fire
All the papers, all the files, the whole damn desk on fire
I made my boss put his hand in it
I made his boss go stand in it
I laughed as the flames rose higher.
Ho-ho-ho
Then I ran out the door with a hostage at my side
Yeah, I ran out the door with a hostage at my side
I loosened my grip
Then I shot her in the hip
She let out a fart when she died.
mm-hmm-hmm
Well, I ran to my friends, who let me in no questions asked
Yeah, I found my old friends who let me in, no questions asked
Soon as they turned they backs
I grabbed mister ax,
Now I use their skins for masks.
mm-hmm-hmm
You know, I used to be normal, but now I’m not so sure
I used to be normal, but now I’m not so sure
Once I asked my shrink
What do you think? Then I buried him deep in manure.
Oh-ho-ho.
So now I’m drivin’ down the highway headin’ to a town near you
See me comin’ down the highway headin’ to a town near you
video file of audio contentclick above to listen (audio only)
HELLHOLE SUBMARINE
(Note: Sung to the melody of Paul McCartney and John Lennon’s “Yellow Submarine”)
In the dacha where I was born lived a man who sailed the sea When I turned 14 years old they gagged and bound and shanghaied me
So we sailed into the sun Till we crashed into a reef Now we sink beneath the waves And we sing in pain and grief: We all die on a stupid submarine stupid submarine stupid submarine We all die on this stupid submarine stupid submarine stupid submarine
All our friends from other ships Won’t get close to us till it’s too late While the whales and fish and sea We completely contaminate
We all die on a stupid submarine stupid submarine stupid submarine We all die on this stupid submarine stupid submarine stupid submarine
Oxygen is running out and our food supply is far from clean As the crew begins to pray: (sounds of labored breathing)
We all die on a stupid submarine stupid submarine stupid submarine
So we blub inside the sub which I wish I had never seen We’re turning blue, we’re peeing green in this hellhole submarine (spoken) Submarine! (coughs)
We all die on this hellhole submarine hellhole submarine stupid submarine Yes, we all die on a hellhole submarine hellhole submarine hellhole submarine (spoken) Just the men! We all die on this hellhole submarine hellhole submarine…
(c)2005 David Lefkowitz
********************************
NOTES & BACKSTORY: [June 2023] This song was created for my radio show, Dave’s Gone By, as part of the recurring News Gone By segment, which poked fun at news and current events. Here’s how I introduced the song on its Aug. 11, 2005 debut. Note that the story is true, the song stuff, not so much:
“Harrowing news from Russia this week where a mini-submarine became trapped in metal debris at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean. The sub got tangled in the wires of an underwater monitoring station, leaving only a few days’ supply of oxygen available to the crew—an eerie echo of the Kursk disaster. Russian authorities kept the accident secret the first day. Then they tried to rescue the sub themselves the next day. They accepted help from England and other nations only as time began running out. Rear Admiral Vladimir Pepelyayev told Russian reporters that the crew were keeping their spirits up as best they could: playing cards, telling stories. In fact, before they were miraculously rescued, they actually were able to transmit, by Morse Code, the words and music to a song one of the sailors wrote about the situation. I happen to have it here. In tribute to that brave and saved crew of the AS-28, I’m gonna sing it now. I think it shows their resilience, their spunk, and their hilarious misery.”
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A holiday song to warm the cockles of pet lovers’ hearts everywhere.
Segment originally aired Dec. 23, 2004, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode.
All content (c)2004 TotalTheater Productions. More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
MY DOGGY’S CHRISTMAS GIFT
by David Lefkowitz
(spoken) So here it is, just weeks away from Christmas. You’ve shopped for your family, your friends, your special friends, and even bought a trinket for yourself. But oh my gracious, haven’t you forgotten someone? Someone close to you. Loyal, playful, full of love every day of the year. What, oh what will you offer your canine companion?
You can give your dog a toy that would make him leap with joy Or sneak your mutt a mutton cut of prime But when Christmas has come, something special must be done Sometimes tasteful, not expensive but sublime.
You can spend a pretty dollar on a doghouse or a collar You can pamper her or groom him till he glows But the thing I like to do – and I know that he will, too, Is to share the gift of love that overflows.
I’m gonna give my dog an enema for Christmas All dressed up in a Santa Claus disguise Each yuletide without fail, I lift my doggy’s tail And give his little poop chute a surprise.
I’m gonna fill his little anus up with bubbles And rinse his small intestines out with cream I’ll sing a little ode as Bowser’s bowels explode It makes the yuletide pass just like a dream.
I’m gonna pump my pooch with barium for Christmas. And spike it with a pint or two of gin I’ll grease him up with lube, and then insert the tube And stroke his furry muzzle as the tide rolls in.
I’m gonna squeeze the water deep into his anus No longer will he constipated be I’ll pump until he’s sore, and then I’ll squirt some more And maybe save a drop or two for me.
Now, some express dismay at this holiday display They say, “Dave, perhaps the doggy is in pain?” I say, “Yes, he starts in grief, but my goodness, the relief When his doggy doos go doodling down the drain.”
And so I give my dog an enema each Christmas And squeeze the bag of Fleet with all my might As gobs of Christmas cheer come flying out his rear I say, “Merry diarrhea, and to all, a good shite!”
And if you’re wondering what gift to get your spaniel Or how to make a wolfhound howl with glee Buy a nozzle and a bowl and k.y. for his hole And douche your pooch beneath the Christmas tree. I guarantee: you’ll have a merry, messy yuletide spree Yessirree, an excremental Christmas memory.
Segment originally aired Dec. 23, 2004, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode.
All content (c)2004 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
WE KILLED SANTA CLAUS
by David Lefkowitz (sung to “Here Come Santa Claus” by Gene Autry & Oakley Haldeman)
We killed Santa Claus We killed Santa Claus We killed Jesus, too Nailed him to a cross No big freakin’ loss Just another cranky Jew
All our life was trouble and strife From the Holocaust to Pogroms. So keep J.C. away from me He’s worse than terrorist bombs.
We kill babies We kill children Use their blood for cake. We own Hollywood We own Wall Street Take take take take take
This is what you’ve said about us For the past 2,000 years Pound, Voltaire, and Charles Baudelaire and any goy who’s had four beers
We killed Santa Claus We killed Santa Claus And we’d do it again Goodbye carols Goodbye crèches No goodwill toward men
You’ve hated us since the birth of Christ So we hate you in return So stick your mass Straight up your ass And burn, Joan of Arc, bitch, burn.
