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Dave’s Gone By Song (11/4/2004): MAKIN’ POOPIES

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A song celebrating the joys of relief.

Segment originally aired Nov. 4, 2004, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode.

All content (c)2004 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

MAKIN’ POOPIES

by David Lefkowitz

Another seat, another bowl
Another log comes out my hole
It’s really pleasin’ when I’m a-squeezin’
And makin’ poopies.

I pull my shorts below my rump
I read the sports and take a dump
It’s brown and shiny straight from the hiney
That’s makin’ poopies.

Sometimes I sit for ages waiting so patiently.
Though my intestine rages, nuggets are all I see.

I eat some bran and have some juice
Run to the can and shake it loose
I wipe my tushie when it gets mooshy
From makin’ poopies.

My little rectum, it does the job
Be it a hot dog or just a blob
It’s such a passion to feel the splashin’
Of makin’ poopies.

I grit my teeth and hug my gut
while underneath I hear a “splut”
It always happens with all my crappin’s
I’m makin’ poopies.

One day my gut got swollen,
I chalked it up to gas.
But when I touched my colon,
Blood shot out of my ass.

Now I feel woe, and it’s a drag
`cause when I go, it’s in a bag
I miss the odors of all the floaters
When making poopies.

So listen here, I recommend
That once a year, check your rear end.
Just find a docto’ to do a procto
He’ll stick a finga up your gazinga
You’ll scream and yelp, but it may help
in makin’ poopies.

Dave’s Gone By Song (7/22/2004): JEOPARDY KEN

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A song of tribute to Jeopardy champion Ken Jennings

Segment originally aired July 22, 2004, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

JEOPARDY KEN

by David Lefkowitz

Deep in his bank account, he’s put a million bucks
Some call it genius, while others call it luck
He looks like something that fell off a turnip truck.

Everybody sing:
Hey Jeopardy Ken, do it again, Jeopardy Ken.
Hey, Jeopardy Ken, what did you win, Jeopardy Ken?

He comes from Utah and his brother picks his ties
“Oh look, he won again.” Surprise, surprise, surprise.
He’s such a marvel, he’s the devil in disguise.

All the mormons sing:
Hey Jeopardy Ken, do it again, Jeopardy Ken.
Hey, Jeopardy Ken, what did you win, Jeopardy Ken?

He’s just as smug as a computer geek can be
All the suspense is gone by Final Jeopardy
But no one else can run the board on Potpourri.

Alex Trebek sings:
Hey Jeopardy Ken, do it again, Jeopardy Ken.
Hey, Jeopardy Ken, what did you win, Jeopardy Ken?
Hey Jeopardy Ken, do it again, Jeopardy Ken.
Hey, Jeopardy Ken, what did you win, Jeopardy Ken? (Ale!)

Dave’s Gone By Song (6/24/2004): LOOK WHAT THEY DONE TO MY HEAD

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ZZSong-DontMesswithUs

With Muslim terrorists now staging decapitations for video, let’s imagine a song to go with them.

Segment originally aired June 24, 2004, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

All content (c)2004 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

LOOK WHAT THEY DONE TO MY HEAD, MA

by David Lefkowitz

Look what they done to my head, ma.
Look what they done to my head.
Well, they hacked it off with a giant sword
And left me lying dead, ma.
Look what they done to my head.

They put my face on the `net.
They put my face on the `net.
We’ve changed regimes, but it don’t seem to make no difference yet, ma.
They put my face on the `net.

They made me read the Koran, man.
They made me read the Koran.
But I crossed my fingers and bit my tongue
And cursed the name Allah, ma,
So now I’m buried in dung.

Oh, look what they done to my head, ma.
Look what they done to my head.
Well, they tied it up in a plastic bag before I was even dead, ma.
Look what they done to my head.

One days these Muslims will pay, ma
One day these Arabs will pay.
They’ll pay in blood and burning flesh for what they done today, ma.
One day these scumbags will pay.

Oh, look what they done to your son, ma.
Look what they done to your son.
Well, they slaughtered me and martyred me
And now my song is done, ma
Look what they done: now I’m gone.

Dave’s Gone By Song (12/23/2004) (I’m Having a) GAY CHRISTMAS (w/ Peter Fitzgerald)

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ZZ-Song-GayChristmas

Gay icon Peter Fitzgerald sings a Yuletide jolly.

Segment originally aired Dec. 23, 2004, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

All content (c)2004 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

(I’M HAVING A) GAY CHRISTMAS

by Peter Fitzgerald (as transcribed by David Lefkowitz)

Oh oh oh!

I’m having a gay Christmas, just my lover and me
We’ve got a goose in the oven,
and vibrating novelties on the tree.
I’m having a gay Christmas! Makes me feel so young.
The lights are glowing, the wind is blowing,
And the stockings are well-hung.

I’m having a gay Christmas, carolers at the door
Each one gets a flavored condom
If I can put it on `em, I give `em one more
I’m having a gay Christmas, shouting Ho Ho Ho!
I sing and dance and unzip my pants
Underneath the mistletoe.

Now, too many people are too uptight,
And they miss the beauty of a silent night
But ask my partner, that’s not how I am
When I poke his long, and he smokes my ham.

I’m having a sissy Christmas, full of yuletide cheer
I’m greasin’ up my chimney `cause between you and me, Santa’s queer!
He’s a bringing a load of presents
I’m gonna wear them all
And if candy canes leave sticky stains,
I’ll return them at the mall.

Now Christmas is a wonderful word
The sexiest word I’ve ever heard.
It starts with Christ, and ends in ass,
And “mm” in between for a great big mass!

I’m having a gay Christmas, just like Jesus did
The thought of him kissing Judas makes me want to molest a kid (no!)
I’m having a gay Christmas, eggnog by the fire
I wax my thighs and fantasize
About the Vienna Boys Choir.

Now Christmas is a time of joy
For every girl and, especially, boy.
And on December 24th, Santa’s pole points north, north, north!

I’m having a gay Christmas, yule log on the tube
I’m making my special icing, and basting the goose with k.y. lube
I’m having a gay Christmas, fruitcakes filled with rum
I shake and bake until I make all ye faithful cum!

Hurry Santa, please! I’m on my knees.

Dave’s Gone By Song (1/19/2004): THE RECTUM OF EDMUND FITZGERALD

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ZZSong-RectumofEdmund A ballad not-so-loosely based on the Mepham High School sodomy trial on Long Island.

Song aired Jan. 19, 2004, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

All content (c)2004 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

THE RECTUM OF EDMUND FITZGERALD

by David Lefkowitz

The story did play on News 12 and Newsday
and it filled up the old Nassau Herald
How kids from the school were so vicious and cruel
To the rectum of Edmund Fitzgerald.

The town of Bellmore lies upon the South Shore
On an affluent part of Long Island
They pay a high tax just to keep out the blacks
In the hopes that their kids won’t grow violent.

Now, one such young boy was his mom’s pride and joy
Such a virile and athletic laddie
Like others his age, he thought sports the rage
And he tried to be just like his daddy.

It felt like a dream when young Ed made the team
As a junior varsity halfback
But some other players gave him arrogant stares
He became their continual laughtrack.

He played right along, and he tried to be strong
To show he had no trepidation
It gave him the creeps, but these were his peeps
And he longed for the team’s validation.

He managed all right until one summer night
When the team went to north Pennsylvania
As silent as monks, they all rose from their bunks
as if gripped by a furious mania.

With nary a sound and no coaches around
The older kids pummeled the juvies
They guarded the door while the boys licked the floor
And then squealed like the guy in the movies.

Although that hurt some, there were worse things to come
When the new guys were forced to get naked
The quarterback grinned, “Let the hazing begin!
If you wanna be one of us, take it!”

The torture began all according to plan
With a rhythm like boom-chika-boom-chik
“You better not howl, or we’ll puncture your bowel
With the rubberized end of a broomstick.”

When that part was fun, they continued the fun
Of pine cone and golf ball inserting.
The cavities dripped as the soft tissue ripped
And the feces and blood began spurting.

The victims were warned they’d be punished and scorned
If they told any parents or teachers.
But by the next game, they were still hurt and shamed
You could see the red stains from the bleachers.

The season was stopped and the scholarships dropped
And the town became crazed and divided
A few sent regrets, the others—death threats
Till lawyers and cops were provided.

The rumors did spread from Rosedale to Riverhead
How a team went from scrimmage to Sodom
And poor Edmund cried when a splinter was pried
From the extra-large width of his bottom.

So now there’s a judge who will go through the sludge
Of how innocent boys were imperiled.
The legend will spread like the legs of poor Ed
and the rectum of Edmund Fitzgerald.
The rectum of Edmund Fitzgerald.

Dave’s Gone By Song (12/8/2003): IT’S A STIFF

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ZZ-Song-ItsaStiff

A holiday ditty based on the true story of a woman who disposed of her unwanted infant in a not-so-Christmassy way.

Song aired Dec. 8, 2003, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

Dave’s Gone By Song (5/11/2003): M-O-T-H-E-R

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Dave sings a Mother’s Day tribute to moms, acronymically.

Song aired May 11, 2003, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

All content (c)2003 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

M-O-T-H-E-R

by David Lefkowitz

M is for the Miracle of birth
O is for the Ovum growing free
T is for the Trouble that I caused her
H is for the Hysterectomy (six months later)
E is for Episiotomy scars
R is for three months in the Recovery Room

Put them all together they spell “MOTHER”
The only girl to want me in her womb.

Dave’s Gone By Song (5/3/2003): CAPTAIN LIFLANDER’S WAR MADRIGAL

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ZZSong-CaptainLiflander

Dave unearths a patriotic war song from the not-so-good-old days.

Segment originally aired May 3, 2003, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

CAPTAIN LIFLANDER’S MADRIGAL

Oh, Americans crave a tranquil life
We just want to live in peace
But the planet gives us war and strife
And it does not seem to cease

So we send our soldiers overseas
To protect our global plan
To bring our enemies to their knees
We’ll fight to the very last man.

With a row-dow, row-diddle dow,
With a row-dow diddle-aye dan.

If Saddam Hussein wants to bitch and complain
And to hide his poison gas
We’ll bomb his fields
And shall not yield
Till we kick some towelhead ass.

After that, look out Afghanistan
`Cause we’re coming back for more
For we bombed a slew of civilians there
No one cares if we kill a few more.

With a row-dow, row-diddle dow,
With a row-dow diddle-aye dor.

All this fear and fright from the Yemenites
Is a game we will not play
We will torture and kill each terrorist –
Where the hell is Yemen anyway?

And if Saudi Arabia doesn’t toe the line
We can bomb their palaces, too
And we’ll pick that Black Hawk up again
From the streets of Mogadishu.

With a row-dow, row-diddle dow,
With a row-dow diddle-aye doo.

To fight fundamentalists in Iran
We must aid and strengthen the Kurds
Disembowel the Sikhs
Those heathen freaks
By dropping bombs like turds

Oh, the Hindus and the Pakis, too,
They will dance to Yankee jigs
For the only way to keep Indians free
Is to treat them just like nigs

With a row-dow, row-diddle dow,
With a row-dow diddle-aye digs.

We shall go to Northern Ireland
To remove hostility
We’ll hide strychnine in the Catholics’ ale
Cyanide in the Protestants’ tea

If the Russkies dare to pollute our air
With threats of nuclear attack
We will give those worms
Some smallpox germs
And the Chechen rebels, anthrax

With a row-dow, row-diddle dow,
With a row-dow diddle-aye dax.

If the Chinese hun won’t leave Taiwan
We shall push them under the waves
We shall strafe them all by the Beijing wall
Put fortune cookies on their graves

We shall visit North Korea next
And we’ll blast those gooks to hell
Maybe this time we can push them back
To the 35th Parallel.

With a row-dow, row-diddle dow,
With a row-dow diddle-aye dell.

We will stand in the sand of Palestine
Show the Yids who’s really boss
Blow the head off any Arab kid
With a stone he’s planning to toss

Oh, the Ivory Coast will soon be toast
When we force Gbagbo to retrench
We will give all the rebels Pepsi and Coke
Just to thumb our nose at the French

With a row-dow, row-diddle dow,
With a row-dow diddle-aye dench.

When I see those hateful pacifist
How I loathe to see them whine
For they do not know how urgent it is
To protect the bottom line

So if some young soldiers have to die
For the good old USA
Let them blow our enemies to the sky
For that’s the American way.

With a row-dow, row-diddle dow,
With a row-dow diddle-hooray.

With a row-dow, row-diddle dow,
With a row-dow diddle-aye dench.

Dave’s Gone By Song (4/13/2003): DAYENU 2003

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Rabbi Sol Solomon sings his version of the Passover standard “Dayenu.”

Segment originally aired April 13, 2003, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

All content (c)2003 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

DAYENU 2003

Oh, even if He had been sleeping
While six million Jews were slaughtered
Even though He watched us tortured, Dayenu. (Dayenu)
Day Dayenu, Day Dayenu, Day Dayenu, Dayenu Dayenu

Even if the Muslim putzes
Weren’t blowing up our buses
Yadda Yadda Intifadeh, Dayenu (Dayenu)
We’re all crazy . . . about you
Couldn’t live without you
Who needs happiness?

Even if there was no Hitler
Even if there was no Haman
Why so many snippy gay men? Dayenu (Dayenu)
We are chosen
So we’re coping
Still, we’re hoping
You’ll choose someone else.

Even if we have big noses
Even if we’re prone to hair loss
Even if there was no Tay-Sachs, Dayenu (Dayenu)
God is looking
God is watching
God is botching everything He does.

Even when the goyim tease us
Even when the gulags freeze us
It’s okay, we murdered Jesus, Dayenu (Dayenu)

Day Day Dammit, Day Day Dammit, Day Day Dammit
Let’s sing it one more time (why don’t we?)
Day Day Dammit, Day Day Dammit, Day Day Dammit
And circumcision hurts, oy!

Dave’s Gone By Song (3/23/2003): WHEN BUSHIE GOES MARCHING IN

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ZZSong-WhenBushieGoes Dave’s rah-rah ballad to mark the start of the war in Iraq.

Segment originally aired March 23, 2003, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

All content (c)2003 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

WHEN BUSHIE GOES MARCHING IN

by David Lefkowitz (sung to “When Johnny Comes Marching Home” by Patrick Gilmore)

When Bushie goes marching in again
Iraq, Iraq
His useless dad can grin again
Iraq, Iraq
The job he botched in `91
Will get cleaned up by his evil song
The fun begins as Bushie goes marching in.

It’s time to make the Muslims see
Iraq, Iraq
That they should live like you and me
Iraq, Iraq
That it is right and it is good
To smoke and drink and eat fast food
And to watch TV when Bushie goes marching in

Who flew the planes on 9-11?
Iraq, Iraq
And when the dirty deed was done
Iraq, Iraq
We blamed it on Osama bin Laden
But soon his name was nearly forgotten
Don’t look for sense when Bushie goes marching in.

The French, the Russians and Chinese
Iraq, Iraq
Make hypocritical calls for peace
Iraq, Iraq
But Bush and Cheney, they don’t care
So what if they sacrifice Tony Blair?
You can smell the sleaze everywhere
When Bushie goes marching in

And if a few Americans die
Iraq, Iraq
If poison gas makes children cry
Iraq, Iraq
That’s just the price we pay, you know,
For Haliburton’s portfolio
It’ll go sky-high so Bushie goes marching in.

The more things change the more they don’t
Iraq, Iraq
With Bush in charge, they surely won’t
Iraq, Iraq
`Cause moguls do whatever they wanna
When there’s a pax Americana
It’s all death and dishonna
When Bushie goes marching in
When Bushie goes marching in
When Bushie goes marching in
When Bushie goes marching in . . .
(fade)