A Jewish man prays for a present.
This segment aired Dec. 28, 2008 on the “Dave’s Gone By” video podcast program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz. Full episodes also available on youtube, Facebook (davesgoneby), and on DavesGoneBy.com.
All content (c)2008 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
MY CHANUKAH WISH
(music and lyrics by David Lefkowitz)
Everyone loves the holiday season
Each for his own particular reason
Some like the spirit, the warmth and the mood
Some like the rituals: football and food
Some crave the family, others the lights
Opening presents for eight days and nights
All of these blessings are nice to recall
But they’re not the one gift I want most of all…
Spending the holidays lonely and blue
No one to see, and not much to do
Ain’t got no girlfriend, ain’t got no misses
No one to hug me and thrill me with kisses
This time of year can be hard on your heart
I bury myself in my work and my art
But still I keep wishing the Lord hears my prayers
proving to me that he listens and cares
So please God, I’ve been a good boy
Won’tcha bring me some comfort and joy?
Please God, my life is so blah
I wanna get laid on Chanukah.
I see all these couples go hand in hand
But I’m all alone and I don’t understand
I ain’t bad lookin’, and I treat people well
But women don’t buy what I tryin’ to sell
I go on Craigslist; I surf around J-Date
But no little Jewess will come be my playmate
It’s not like I’m looking for something long-term
I just need a vessel to unload my sperm.
Hey God, this is my plea
Won’tcha just do this thing for me?
Please God, come to my aid
I wanna get laid on Chanukah
Back in the days of Two Hundred BC
Judah and the family Maccabee
They rid the temple of every last Greek
One drop of oil for the whole friggin’ week
Those are the miracles God tends to do
So why can’t he make one for this horny Jew?
I don’t have a temple, and I’m not in a war
I just wanna meet a Hebraic whore
Well, Hey, God, I don’t ask much
I just want a gal I can fondle and touch
Let me undo a lacy red bra
I wanna get laid on Chanukah!
Now, I admit, I ain’t the marrying kind
Commitment like that drives me out of my mind
But this time of year is it too much to hope
For a gal in a red suit to slide down my rope?
Hey, God, enough of your crap
Give me a gift I can bounce on my lap
Only one girl; don’t need a parade
I wanna get laid on Chanukah!
Maybe I’ll stop by the local saloon
Find some girl with whom I can commune
Fill her head with what she wants to hear
And buy her beer after beer after beer after beer after beer after beer after beer after beer after beer after beer after beer after beer I would usher her out of the bar
And carry that sweet thing out to my car
Now maybe that makes me sound like a creep
But it’s not rape if she’s fast asleep
C’mon, please god, send me a slut
A frummy brunette to bust my nut
Please let me manage a ménage à trois
I wanna get laid on Chanukah
I’d gladly trade all my Chanukah gelt
For a shayna maidel who makes me melt
And if she’s tender and does deep throat
I’d call her again for Shavuoth
Hey God,
It isn’t a sin
I just need girl to make my dreidel spin
I’ll pray to Jesus, Mohammed, and Jah
If I could get laid on Chanukah
Ma’oz tzur yeshua’ti
I want a girl to go down on me
Please God,
You know what I need
I’m tired of whackin’ to Donna Reed
I’ll light the candles
On the menorah
If I could get laid on Chanukah
If I could get laid on Chanukah
If I could get laid on Chanukahh-men.
©2008 David Lefkowitz
Chords: G, Am, C, D, A,
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NOTES & BACKSTORY:
On my weekly radio program, Dave’s Gone By, I’ve often made an effort to anti-celebrate the Christmas season with songs, by me and others, that kick the air out of Santa’s tires and suck the last drop of oil out of the great temple’s Menorah. I bet if Adam Sandler had done this on SNL, he’d have had a minor hit to follow his you-know-what song.
The tune debuted on my 300th episode, which aired Dec. 28, 2008, and I brought it back for my celebratory 600th episode in April 2017.
