Rabbi Sol Solomon sings his crabby holiday classic, “The Twelve Complaints of Christmas.”
Segment originally aired Dec. 22, 2002, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
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THE TWELVE COMPLAINTS OF CHRISTMAS
(Lyrics: David Lefkowitz; Music: The traditional “The Twelve Days of Christmas”)
(spoken) Christmas? More like 12 Days of Tsuris if you ask me.
On the First Day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Nothing.
On the Second Day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Nothing again.
And nothing on the first day because I’m Jewish.
On the Third Day of Christmas my true love gave to me
One more time: Nothing. Nothing on the second day. Nothing.
Goornisht on the first day.
I told you: I’m Jewish!
On the Fourth Day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Not a damn thing.
Nothing on the third day, nothing on the second, nothing at all
Dammit! Dammit to hell!
On the Fifth Day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Why was I born?
I don’t get any presents, Nothing on the third day, nothing on the second,
Nothing, nothing, leave me alone!!!
On the Sixth Day of Christmas my true love gave to me
I don’t have a true love;
I’ve been married for 36 years.
And I’ve given her five golden rings
Helps me a toit mit bonkes with the shrew
Foreskin, I don’t have
Trinity, I don’t need
Tu Bishvat is boring
One mother in law, I got
You want her? HEH?
On the Seventh Day of Christmas my true love gave to me
What have I been saying?
Haven’t you be listening?
I’ve been getting nothing
Why should I get anything?
Can’t you tell, I’m Jewish?
What, are you retarded?
Oy, how I hate the holidays.
On the Eighth Day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Listen, if I didn’t get anything on the first seven days,
WHY THE HELL WOULD I GET SOMETHING ON THE EIGHTH?
Please use your brains
Do I look like Santa?
yes, I have a beard
No, I don’t have reindeer
I’ve never seen a reindeer
Although, apparently, they’re Kosher
But I still didn’t get anything on the first day!
On the ninth Day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Umm…now wait. What – hold on, what was it?
I’m thinking it was… Oh yeah: NOTHING!
God, I hate this music
Everywhere you go
Every radio station
Even in the toilets
It belongs in the toilet!
It’s not like on Chanukah, we make you listen to the Dreidel song in the mall.
Whatever happened to separation of church and state?
And why does my prostate hurt
Can someone tell me that, heh?
Why does my prostate hurt SO MUCH???
On the Tenth Day of Christmas my true love gave to me
An Uzi, so I could shoot myself.
So they can bury me in Mount Sholem Cemetery in Farmingdale.
So maybe I’ll have a little peace for once.
Only the goyim will show up
And instead of leaving rocks and flowers on my grave,
They’ll decorate my tombstone with ornaments and lights.
Even in death, THEY TORTURE ME!
But you know what?
It would be worth it, because I’d be dead
And I wouldn’t have to wait online for an hour at K-Mart to buy a pair of socks
And I wouldn’t have to watch uplifting Christmas movies with Tiffany Amber Thiessen in them
And I wouldn’t have to hear the phrase “stocking stuffer” ever again!
On the Eleventh Day of Christmas my true love gave to me
One blood libel – ptooi, God forbid, I’m just kidding.
Look, it could be worse.
Jews have it pretty good in this country.
We can worship, we can vote
We can buy retail
We can celebrate Chanukah as if it were Christmas
Just to make our children really confused.
We can live where we want –
Well, maybe not certain sections of Scarsdale
We can eat in Kosher restaurants
We can run for President
We can control the media – or at least that’s what they say
Except, if we did control the media
Why the hell are there so many uplifting Christmas movies with Tiffany Amber Thiessen in them?
On the Twelfth Day of Christmas my true love gave to me
High blood pressure
Low blood sugar
Ten oppressive commandments
Nine days of fasting
Eight days of Chanukah
Seven days of Shiva
Six days of work
Why was I born???
Four Seder questions
Three things sustain us
Two sets of dishes
And a cartridge in my Uzi.
(spoken) Merry Christmas, goyim; happy Chanukah, Jews
Seasons greetings, everyone
Peace on earth, Goodwill for your sofa.
©2002 Dave Lefkowitz
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