Tag: comedy

Dave’s Gone By Song (7/18/2026): THE PAIN OF HEMOPHILIA 

A Swiftian parody about a bloody pain.

This segment airs July 18, 2026 on the “Dave’s Gone By” video podcast program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz. Full episodes also available on youtube, Facebook (davesgoneby), and on DavesGoneBy.com. 

All content (c)2026 TotalTheater Productions.                                                   

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

TRANSCRIPT:

THE PAIN OF HEMOPHILIA

(sung to the music of “The Fate of Ophelia” by Taylor Swift, Max Martin, and Shellback)

I’m in the workshop
Hear a knife drop
Go to pick it up the wrong way
I grab the sharp side
I feel the blade slide
And the artery start to spray

And then I’m calling 9-1-1
Because I fear my days might be done

I’m wrapping towels around my thumb
My nose, my toe
Nothing’s gonna stop that red flow

All my life is pain and trouble
I should be in a bubble
`cause I’ve got hemophilia

Oh, a drip becomes a geyser
And there’s no stabilizer
`Cause I’ve got hemophilia

Keep a tight bandage on your hand
your face, your lip
Just in case those places open up and drip

First I see a tiny dot
And then a lot
It looks like I’ve been shot
`cause I cannot clot:
I’ve got hemophilia.

I’ve no illusions that these transfusions
Are gonna spare me from the worst
And if I should break a bone
Why, just the fall alone
Will cause the vein in my brain to burst
Because my blood lacks Factor 8
That means I’ll never coagulate
Every time I see a drop I mop the glop
pleading for the bleeding to stop

`Cause in case you have forgotten
my blood won’t do no clottin’
`cause I have hemophilia

Oh, you best get a container
`cause I’m a leaky veiner
Yeah, I’ve got hemophilia

I have a compress on my head, it’s red, I bled,
Such a ton of blood I shed
I should be dead

Every day is an ordeal, for real, I feel
I’d be Dracula’s most satisfying meal
I hate hemophilia

I wish that I had normal blood
So deep and rich and thick as mud
I’d live my life with little fear
and give to Red Cross twice a year
I wouldn’t be afraid to fall
I’d skate and ski and do it all
And, yes, I know, that’s just a dream
Instead I’m stuck with my bloodstream

My existence is infernal
`cause I can bleed internal
from deadly hemophilia

Any stumble becomes tragic
If I go hemorrhagic
The fate of hemophilia

I’m afraid to break a sweat
a hip, a bone
I can’t even be alone without regret

Have to live my life afraid
and near first aid
Every cut is a cascade when you can’t evade
The fate of hemophilia.

Can someone put me on chemo for hemophilia?

(c)2026 David Lefkowitz