A look at the life of groundhogs on their special day
Performed by Dave Lefkowitz & Jeff Goodman
Segment originally aired Feb. 2, 2003, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode
All content (c)2003 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
The dangerous job of Steve Merwin, Missile Hunter.
Segment originally aired Jan. 26, 2003, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast. Full Episode
All content (c)2003 TotalTheater Productions. More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
Segment originally aired Jan. 26, 2003, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode
All content (c)2003 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
A DINGO ATE MY BABY
A dingo ate my baby It happened late last night He snuck into the nursery And pulled her out of sight
He chewed her up like candy He spit her out like phlegm There’s other corpses in the world And she looks just like them
A dingo ate my baby The mangy little beast My wife said, “Call a doctor!” The doc said, “Call a priest.”
A dingo ate my baby The furry little sinner He et the head for breakfast And he et the bum for dinner
A dingo ate my baby There’s blood upon his snout He swallowed all the organs But he spat the eyeballs out
A dingo ate my baby He ripped her with his claws You can see it on his fangs You can smell it on his jaws
A dingo ate my baby He picked the ribcage clean He barfed up her intestines And they smell like Diaparene
A dingo ate my baby He bashed her head on stones And all that’s left is baby hair And teeny little bones
My wife is going crazy She’s always been high strung She’s out there picking baby teeth From lumps of dingo dung
My wife is like a banshee She’s in a fucking snit I’d try to give her comfort But she stinks of dingo shit
A dingo ate my baby We’ll never have another I’d gladly pay the dingo To come back and eat her mother.
Dave goes down under to relate the tale of a mentally retarded marsupial.
Segment originally aired Jan. 26, 2003, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode.
All content (c)2003 TotalTheater Productions. More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
JOEY, THE SPASTIC KANGAROO
by David Lefkowitz
I’ve been a trapper since I was 13 I’ve caught animals you’ve never seen Like six-legged tigers and cows without feet But the greatest of all, I was destined to meet
I was on contract for Sydney’s big zoo They asked me for wombats and wallabies, too I hid in the bush awaiting my chance When far in the distance I saw something dance
I waved me blowgun and stood there transfixed He twisted so fast, nearly all my darts missed I came up behind him and made not a sound I jumped on the `roo and brought him to the ground.
Out in the Outback where the possums play I saw a creature who took me breath away Got him sedated, brought him to the zoo We called him “Joey, the Spastic Kangaroo.”
In isolation, the roo bounced and shook So frantic was he, it was painful to look In less than a day, he was covered with scars From bashing his head and his bum on the bars
We gave him drugs, but they had no effect Built him a shelter which he quickly wrecked We thought him the saddest we ever did see Since Chow Chow the panda with epilepsy
Out in the Outback where Koalas climb We got a rare one once upon a time A danger to himself and other creatures, too We captured Joey, the Spastic Kangaroo.
We introduced Joey into a troop But he punched the others and sprayed them with poop Perhaps it was puberty? Repressed desire? So we tried to mate him with Agnes, the flyer
Agnes was ferile and ripe for a male She bit Joey’s nuts, and he started to wail They kicked and they thrashed and they clawed and they bled And when it was through, the two roos were both dead
Out in the Outback where the quokkas hop I saw a whirlwind I thought would never stop Tears did flow that morning at the zoo When we buried Joey, the Spastic Kangaroo
Agnes was kept on display in the lab Her body preserved and laid out on a slab Five weeks after that, her pouch gave a rip Then, out popped a baby we quickly named Skip.
We crossed all our fingers and hoped for the best `Cause Skippy looked normal at play and at rest But soon, we saw normal was not meant to be When Skippy the roo tried to drink his own pee
He’d stare at the sun and spend hours in a crouch He bit his own tail, and he punched his own pouch At first it was tempting to have him destroyed But we felt too sorry for this mongoloid
So out in the Outback we set Skippy free Soon as we did, he ran into a tree Moral of the story is tragic, but it’s true: There’s nothing you can do with a spastic kangaroo.
Joined by Scott Rodolitz, Dave Lefkowitz sings the Fisch-Heads song, “Enema Blues.”
Segment originally aired Jan. 19, 2003, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode
All content (c)2003 TotalTheater Productions. “Enema Blues” (c)1978 David Lefkowitz.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
ENEMA BLUES
My baby went and left me She’s gone without a doubt But even worse than that, you know, She really cleaned me out
I got the enema blues Ever since we been apart You know she flushed out my whole life And now she’s trying to flush out my heart
You know that I was good to her I never treated her mean I even let her use my bathroom And now she’s flushed me clean
I got the enema blues Ever since we been apart You know she flushed out my whole life And now she’s trying to flush out my heart
She ran off with my bowling shoes My car, my house and my kid I told her, “Blow it out my ass!” And that’s exactly what she did
I got the enema blues Ever since we been apart You know she flushed out my whole life And now she’s trying to flush out my heart
Joe Salzone interviews an old acquaintance of Martin Luther King, Cleola Bevers
Segment originally aired Jan. 12, 2003, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.
All content (c)2003 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
Dave sings a holiday carol for his show, “Twelve Months of Dave’s Gone By”
Segment originally aired Dec. 22, 2002, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode.
All content (c)2002 TotalTheater Productions. More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
Rabbi Sol Solomon sings his crabby holiday classic, “The Twelve Complaints of Christmas.”
Segment originally aired Dec. 22, 2002, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz. Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode.
All content (c)2002 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
THE TWELVE COMPLAINTS OF CHRISTMAS
(Lyrics: David Lefkowitz; Music: The traditional “The Twelve Days of Christmas”)
(spoken) Christmas? More like 12 Days of Tsuris if you ask me.
On the First Day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Nothing.
On the Second Day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Nothing again.
And nothing on the first day because I’m Jewish.
On the Third Day of Christmas my true love gave to me
One more time: Nothing. Nothing on the second day. Nothing.
Goornisht on the first day.
I told you: I’m Jewish!
On the Fourth Day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Not a damn thing.
Nothing on the third day, nothing on the second, nothing at all
Dammit! Dammit to hell!
On the Fifth Day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Why was I born?
I don’t get any presents, Nothing on the third day, nothing on the second,
Nothing, nothing, leave me alone!!!
On the Sixth Day of Christmas my true love gave to me
I don’t have a true love;
I’ve been married for 36 years.
And I’ve given her five golden rings
Helps me a toit mit bonkes with the shrew
Foreskin, I don’t have
Trinity, I don’t need
Tu Bishvat is boring
One mother in law, I got
You want her? HEH?
On the Seventh Day of Christmas my true love gave to me
What have I been saying?
Haven’t you be listening?
I’ve been getting nothing
Why should I get anything? Can’t you tell, I’m Jewish?
What, are you retarded? Oy, how I hate the holidays.
On the Eighth Day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Listen, if I didn’t get anything on the first seven days,
WHY THE HELL WOULD I GET SOMETHING ON THE EIGHTH?
Please use your brains
Do I look like Santa? yes, I have a beard
No, I don’t have reindeer
I’ve never seen a reindeer
Although, apparently, they’re Kosher
But I still didn’t get anything on the first day!
On the ninth Day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Umm…now wait. What – hold on, what was it? I’m thinking it was… Oh yeah: NOTHING!
God, I hate this music
Everywhere you go
Every radio station
Even in the toilets
It belongs in the toilet!
It’s not like on Chanukah, we make you listen to the Dreidel song in the mall.
Whatever happened to separation of church and state?
And why does my prostate hurt
Can someone tell me that, heh? Why does my prostate hurt SO MUCH???
On the Tenth Day of Christmas my true love gave to me
An Uzi, so I could shoot myself.
So they can bury me in Mount Sholem Cemetery in Farmingdale.
So maybe I’ll have a little peace for once.
Only the goyim will show up
And instead of leaving rocks and flowers on my grave,
They’ll decorate my tombstone with ornaments and lights.
Even in death, THEY TORTURE ME!
But you know what?
It would be worth it, because I’d be dead
And I wouldn’t have to wait online for an hour at K-Mart to buy a pair of socks
And I wouldn’t have to watch uplifting Christmas movies with Tiffany Amber Thiessen in them
And I wouldn’t have to hear the phrase “stocking stuffer” ever again!
On the Eleventh Day of Christmas my true love gave to me
One blood libel – ptooi, God forbid, I’m just kidding.
Look, it could be worse.
Jews have it pretty good in this country.
We can worship, we can vote
We can buy retail
We can celebrate Chanukah as if it were Christmas
Just to make our children really confused.
We can live where we want –
Well, maybe not certain sections of Scarsdale
We can eat in Kosher restaurants
We can run for President
We can control the media – or at least that’s what they say
Except, if we did control the media
Why the hell are there so many uplifting Christmas movies with Tiffany Amber Thiessen in them?
On the Twelfth Day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Dave sings “The Twelve Nights of Dave’s Gone By” (originally titled “Three Nights Before Christmas”)
Segment originally aired Dec. 22, 2002, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode.
All content (c)2002 TotalTheater Productions. More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
THREE NIGHTS BEFORE CHRISTMAS
by David Lefkowitz
On the first night of Dave’s Gone By, Dave gave to thee: News Gone By and the World Weird Web about Shooby (shadobalabashraw)
On the second night of Dave’s Gone By, Dave gave to thee: A tirade about smoking Sound effects and choking At 11 to midnight on GBB.
On the third night of Dave’s Gone By, Dave gave to thee: The Puff Sullivan Letter Angry LIPA guy And a critique of Say Goodnight, Gracie.
On the fourth night of Dave’s Gone By, Dave gave to theen: Pre-tampered yummies Actress Karen Young Jokes about Verizon And a bunch of goodies tied to Halloween.
On the fifth night of Dave’s Gone By, Dave gave to thee: The Giving Chimp! A review of Movin’ Out Crooked politicians LaRouche on the web And “Peter Pumpkinhead” by XTC.
On the sixth night of Dave’s Gone By, WGBB gave Dave a new timeslot He played William Finn Also Lonnie Donegan And the hippie, Donovan Even Homer Simpson And old Coco, the poet chimpanzee.
On the seventh night of Dave’s Gone By, Dave gave to thee: Osama bin Laden Good ol’ Bobby Dylan Eilert Pilarm! A Warren Zevon tribute Rock throwing in India (in the Chhindwara district of Madhya Pradesh) Eating sushi naked And a new commuter tax for you and me.
Oh, the eighth night of Dave’s Gone By was quite a joyful spree: Rabbi Solomon hosted He lit the candles He played the dreidel He played Adam Sandler And a little klezmer Bitched about the Arabs And Bobby Fischer Plus a poem on pedophile Pee-Wee.
On the ninth day of Dave’s Gone By, Dave gave to thee: “Trees” by Joyce Kilmer “Tuesdays with Morrie” “My Old Lady” Wilson’s Book of Days Dead Kurt Cobain! A bit by Woody Allen Sponsorship info Two insurance sketches And a psychic hotline like TV.
On the tenth night of Dave’s Gone By, Dave gave to thee: Steve Herbst, the Whistler He did Stevie Wonder, Sondheim and Led Zeppelin and Bruce Springsteen! Drugged-out Whitney Houston Kissinger’s back Dave’s name on a urinal And a poem on Cablevision fees.
On the eleventh night of Dave’s Gone By, Dave gave to thee: Trent Lott’s apology Critic Charlie Gross Music by Frank Zappa United Airlines MTA strike Two killer pitbulls Scientist who burned his penis! Right-wing Joe Salzone Bush and the economy Bloomberg on a bike And the Man of La Mancha on CD.
Whoa, the twelfth night of Dave’s Gone By was full of songs and joy `Cause the past eleven weeks, I’ve been able to annoy: Gospel-seeking listeners Those who worship Elvis Those who loathe Neil Young Republicans Pro-Palestinians Born-again Christians Self-hating Jews All my engineers! People who hate theater People who love theater L.I. Cablevision And the people who don’t want me to be me.
(spoken) But it’s all I can be. So happy holidays, everybody.
Senator Trent Lott offers an apology for his racially insensitive praise of Strom Thurmond.
Segment originally aired Dec. 15, 2002, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast. Complete Original Broadcast: Full Episode
All content (c)2003 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
