Tag: Dave's Gone By

Dave’s Gone By Song (1/19/2004): THE RECTUM OF EDMUND FITZGERALD

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ZZSong-RectumofEdmundA ballad not-so-loosely based on the Mepham High School sodomy trial on Long Island.

Song aired Jan. 19, 2004, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode

All content (c)2004 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

THE RECTUM OF EDMUND FITZGERALD

by David Lefkowitz

The story did play on News 12 and Newsday
and it filled up the old Nassau Herald
How kids from the school were so vicious and cruel
To the rectum of Edmund Fitzgerald.

The town of Bellmore lies upon the South Shore
On an affluent part of Long Island
They pay a high tax just to keep out the blacks
In the hopes that their kids won’t grow violent.

Now, one such young boy was his mom’s pride and joy
Such a virile and athletic laddie
Like others his age, he thought sports the rage
And he tried to be just like his daddy.

It felt like a dream when young Ed made the team
As a junior varsity halfback
But some other players gave him arrogant stares
He became their continual laughtrack.

He played right along, and he tried to be strong
To show he had no trepidation
It gave him the creeps, but these were his peeps
And he longed for the team’s validation.

He managed all right until one summer night
When the team went to north Pennsylvania
As silent as monks, they all rose from their bunks
as if gripped by a furious mania.

With nary a sound and no coaches around
The older kids pummeled the juvies
They guarded the door while the boys licked the floor
And then squealed like the guy in the movies.

Although that hurt some, there were worse things to come
When the new guys were forced to get naked
The quarterback grinned, “Let the hazing begin!
If you wanna be one of us, take it!”

The torture began all according to plan
With a rhythm like boom-chika-boom-chik
“You better not howl, or we’ll puncture your bowel
With the rubberized end of a broomstick.”

When that part was fun, they continued the fun
Of pine cone and golf ball inserting.
The cavities dripped as the soft tissue ripped
And the feces and blood began spurting.

The victims were warned they’d be punished and scorned
If they told any parents or teachers.
But by the next game, they were still hurt and shamed
You could see the red stains from the bleachers.

The season was stopped and the scholarships dropped
And the town became crazed and divided
A few sent regrets, the others—death threats
Till lawyers and cops were provided.

The rumors did spread from Rosedale to Riverhead
How a team went from scrimmage to Sodom
And poor Edmund cried when a splinter was pried
From the extra-large width of his bottom.

So now there’s a judge who will go through the sludge
Of how innocent boys were imperiled.
The legend will spread like the legs of poor Ed
and the rectum of Edmund Fitzgerald.
The rectum of Edmund Fitzgerald.

©2004 David Lefkowitz

Dave’s Gone By #59 (1/5/2004): OH FOUR HEAVEN’S SAKE!

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Here is the 59th episode of the long-running radio show/podcast, Dave’s Gone By, which aired on NY’s WGBB-AM, Jan. 5, 2004. Info: davesgoneby.com. 

host: Dave Lefkowitz

Featuring: Dave Goes Off on the New Year. Plus: the satirical News Gone By, and tributes to David Bowie’s birthday and black & white M&Ms.

00:00:01  DAVE GOES IN: A quiet new year, an email onslaught, and the beauty of radio.
00:24:00  NEWS GONE BY: Terrorism Chess; Ben Franklin – Terrorist; Arts Funding; Iranian Mirthquake; Swingline Dollah-Dollah; Oyster Solidarity; Frivolous Lawsuit Time (Playground Mishap); McDonald’s Spilling & Starbucks Burning; Jets and Sharks; Dead Man Dangling (Bad Pun of the Week); Adios Ephedra; M&Ms in B&W; The Inc; My Big Fat Obnoxious Title; Croc Teaser; Bull on the Highway; Steinbrenner Faints; When a Bee Smells Blood; The Toilet Bowl; Food Chain Barbie.
01:10:00  DAVE GOES OUT: Birthday tribute to David Bowie; Thank Yous.

Playlist: “Five Years,” “Fantastic Voyage,” “Golden Years” & “Heroes” (David Bowie), “Coffee in a Cardboard Cup” (The World Goes `Round off-Broadway cast recording); “B-Side” ({live version}; Loudon Wainwright III); “B&W M&Ms” (Dave).

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David Bowie
your host

Dave’s Gone By Song (12/8/2003): IT’S A STIFF

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ZZ-Song-ItsaStiff

A holiday ditty based on the true story of a woman who disposed of her unwanted infant in a not-so-Christmassy way.

Song aired Dec. 8, 2003, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode.

All content (c)2003 TotalTheater Productions.

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

(c)2003 David Lefkowitz. 

IT’S A STIFF

Lyrics: David Lefkowitz. Music: Jule Styne’s “Let it Snow”)

Oh, the weather outside is frozen, 

so a Brooklyn church was chosen

All bundled in a blanket and a rag

There’s a small baby corpse in a bag.

The mother didn’t want to have her

So now she’s a blue cadaver

And it stinks if you take a whiff

It’s a stiff, it’s a stiff, it’s a stiff.

All the congregants in the church

They try to sympathize with the mother

`cause maybe in nine more months,

She’ll make a lifeless brother.

`Cause she didn’t really have an option

`cept birth control, abortion or adoption

When you’re stuck with a useless tot,

Let it rot, let it rot, let it rot.

Well, it’s kinda hard feeling merry

When you’ve got a bag of bones to bury

There’s very little skin inside;

Mummified, mummified, mummified.

They’ll measure her casket size

While a sermon’s being written

And makeup will soon disguise

Fingers all black and frostbitten. (crack!)

Now the temperature may be frigid

Enough to make a newborn rigid

Too late to save the infant’s soul.

Dig a hole, dig a hole, dig a hole.

It was just the baby’s time to die.

Wonder why, wonder why, wonder why.

Dave’s Gone By Skit (12/1/2003): WOODY’S ANALYST

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Dave imagines a conversation between Woody Allen and his therapist.

Segment originally aired Dec. 1, 2003, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode

All content (c)2003 TotalTheater Productions.

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

Dave’s Gone By Song (12/1/2003): PHOENIX ENVY

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Glen Campbell raises a glass too many.

This segment first aired Dec. 1, 2003 on the “Dave’s Gone By” program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz. Full episodes also available on youtube, Facebook (davesgoneby), Spotify, and on DavesGoneBy.com. 

All content (c)2003 TotalTheater Productions.   

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

PHOENIX ENVY

(Lyrics: David Lefkowitz. Music: Jimmy Webb’s “By the Time I Get to Phoenix”)

(spoken in a slur) Let go o’ me! Let go o’ me!

By the time I get to Phoenix, I’ll be weavin’
Goin’ 80 miles an hour, maybe more
I’ll smash that lame Toyota with my Beemer
If there’s damage, that’s what royalties are for

By the time the police find me, I’ll be plastered
I’ll ramble on and on and on and on and on just like a kook
I’ll kick and fight those law-enforcement bastards
And fill their breathalyzer up with puke

By the time I get to prison, I’ll be sleepin’
I’ll be dreamin’ of how big I used to be
My son will pay my bail, and he’ll be weepin’
I’ll say, “Daddy’s gonna fight this! Wait and see.

This is how most country music comes to be
Let’s go home and talk this over, you and me
(hiccups) Wait, you go. That bar is open until three.”

©2003 David Lefkowitz

Dave’s Gone By Skit (11/24/03): MICHAEL JACKSON

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ZZSkit-MichaelJackson

Joe Salzone interviews controversial pop legend Michael Jackson

Segment aired Aug. 19, 2004, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode

All content (c)2003 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

Dave’s Gone By #50 (11/3/2003): DR. DAVEMENTO

click above for episode #50 (audio only)
Click above to listen to the episode (audio only).

Here is the 50th episode of the long-running radio show/podcast, Dave’s Gone By, which aired on New York’s WGBB-AM radio Nov. 3, 2003. Info: davesgoneby.com.

host: Dave Lefkowitz

Featuring: Dave pays tribute to Dr. Demento by playing novelty classics. Plus: the satirical News Gone By.

00:00:01  DAVE GOES IN: Opening comments, tribute to Dr. Demento
00:05:00  DR. DAVEMENTO: Zany music and comedy, a la Dr. D.
00:51:00  NEWS GONE BY: Washington’s Whiskey; All Tempa-Petrol; Candle-making for Dummies; Jerry Lewis Film Festival; Stoned Sperm; Butt Hole Road
01:02:00  MORE DR. DAVEMENTO: More zany music and comedy, a la Dr. D.
01:25:00  DAVE GOES OUT: Thank yous and best wishes

November 3, 2003 Playlist: “Cocktails for Two” (00:05:00; Spike Jones); “Magic Toenail” (00:08:00; Brak); “They’re Coming to Take Me Away, Ha Ha” (00:09:00; Napoleon XIV), “Hello Muddah, Hello Fadduh” (00:17:00; Allan Sherman); “My Dead Dog Rover” (00:20:00; Hank, Stu, Dave & Hank); “Dead Puppies” (00:22:00; Ogden Edsl); “Happy Boy” (00:24:30; Beat Farmers); “Class Clown – Bi-labial Fricative” (00:27:00; George Carlin); “Who’s Sorry Now” (00:32:00; Shooby Taylor; “Santa Claus Has Got the AIDS This Year” (00:34:00; Tiny Tim); “Shoot Me in the Ass” (00:36:00; Wesley Willis); “My Name is Larry” (00:39:00; Wild Man Fischer), “Earache My Eye” (00:46:00; Cheech & Chong); Fishheads (00:52:00; Barnes & Barnes); “Have a Peanut Butter Sandwich” (00:54:00; Art Paul Schlosser); “Makin’ Poopies” (00:58:00; Dave). “Hooked On Polkas” (00:60:00; Weird Al Yankovic); “Spam” (00:6:00; Monty Python); “I Hold Your Hand in Mine” (00:69:00; Tom Lehrer). “Shaving Cream” (00:71:00; Benny Bell).

Wesley Willis
Benny Bell
George Carlin
your host

Dave’s Gone By Skit (9/22/2003): FOLK MUSIC w/ Yoni Huttenani

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Professor Yoni Huttenanni explains folk music

Segment aired Sept. 22, 2003, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode

All content (c)2003 TotalTheater Productions.

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

Dave’s Gone By Skit (9/22/2003): A SUBURBAN HOME COMPANION

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ZZSkit-SuburbanHome

If Minnesota can have a radio home companion, why not suburban Long Island?

Segment originally aired Sept. 22, 2003, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast. Complete Original Broadcast: Full Episode

All content (c)2003 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

Dave’s Gone By Skit (7/20/2003): WELL, WELL, WELLER

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ZZ-Skit-WellWellWellerRadio host Joe Salzone interviews Russell Weller,* the 86-year-old man whose Buick LeSabre plowed into 60 people at a Santa Monica Farmer’s Market.

*not really.
Segment originally aired July 20, 2003, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode

All content (c)2003 TotalTheater Productions.

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com