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Here is the 36th episode of the long-running radio show/podcast, Dave’s Gone By, which aired on NY’s WGBB-AM June 8, 2003.
host: Dave Lefkowitz guest: author Ellis Nassour
Featuring: Dave chats with author and entertainment expert Ellis Nassour. Plus: the satirical News Gone By, more on the WGBB saga, and Rabbi Sol Solomon explains the holiday of Shavuoth.
Notes: Because of technical glitches, the CD intro had to be newly recorded, 1/17/06, and the second half of the Ellis Nassour interview is gone forever. Sorry!)
00:00:01 DAVE GOES IN: As the WGBBleeds 00:11:00 NEWS GONE BY: Road Map to Pieces, Stamp Out Queen Liz, Fool-Proof Abortions, Teacher with a Hairbrush, Drop the Chalupa, Sosa puts a cork in it. 00:26:00 DAVE’S GONE CULTURAL – w/ guest Ellis Nassour: Theater critic and journalist Nassour talks about the Tonys (Note: segment partially missing from archive tape) 00:31:00 SKIT – RABBI SOL SOLOMON on Shavuoth: w/ the Ten Commandments. 00:45:00 DAVE GOES OUT: Things in limbo…
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Here is the 28th episode of the long-running radio show/podcast, Dave’s Gone By, which aired on NY’s WGBB-AM, April 13, 2003. More info: davesgoneby.com.
host: Dave Lefkowitz
Featuring: Rabbi Sol Solomon explains Passover traditions. Plus: the satirical News Gone By and Dave says hello to snow and farewell to TV’s Egg.
00:00:01 DAVE GOES IN – Snow 00:13:00 NEWS GONE BY (Respiratory Esther, the Haircut Bandit, Voodoo, and the Concorde’s last flight) 00:29:00 SKIT: Rabbi Sol Solomon – On Pesach 00:47:00 DAVE’S GONE CULTURAL – Egg 00:50:00 DAVE GOES OUT
April 13, 2003 Playlist: “Exodus” (Bob Marley), “Dayenu” (Rabbi Sol Solomon, 43:00), “We’re All Working for Pharaoh” (Richard Thompson).
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RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S APOCRYPHA #3: Pesach
(c)2003 David Lefkowitz.
Shalom oovrachah, everyone! Happy Passover, dammit! A most joyous and happy Pesach to you and yours. I’m Rabbi Sol Solomon of Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York. And I’m happy to be your Passover guide on this segment of Dave’s Gone By.
Last time I was here, we were celebrating Purim, wherein the Jews were saved from extinction by a hot chick and her uncle. This time, the Yehudim were saved from a fate almost worse than death—eternal slavery—by a stuttering little fella named Moses, his faithful brother Aaron, and a little bit of help from You Know Who.
I think we all know the story. After Joseph (the guy with the schmatteh of many colors) did so much good for Egypt, he settled there. And his brothers settled there. And they told two friends, and so on, and so on, and so on—until the Jews made up a significant portion of the population. The new Pharaoh was a bissel nervous about this. But rather than exile everybody, he figured, “Hey, slave labor! There’s no union, no Workman’s Circle — let’s make them slaves!”
So, the Jews were put to hard labor building the pyramids, and the roads, and doing touch-up work on the sinks. But they were cruelly treated: working from morning till night, not enough food, long lines at the bathroom — yet they still found a way to keep multiplying and making more Jews. So, Pharaoh demanded that all male Jewish children be cast into the river—splash. One of those kids was a little baby whose mama gave him a chance. She put him in a tiny waterproof basket and pushed him into the bulrushes. Why the bulls didn’t rush out and trample him, we’ll never know. Instead, he was found by Pharaoh’s daughter while she was bathing in the stream.
She named him “Moishe,” or Moses, `cause he moseyed down the stream into her arms. The Queen saved him and raised him as her own. And he became an upstanding member of Egyptian society. He saw a task-master brutally whipping a Hebrew slave with a cat o’ nine tails. Moishe was outraged at this use of a deformed pet to hurt someone. So he slew the Egyptian. Then he ran away.
While he was gone, he went wandering and came upon a burning Bush. He told Bush to go invade Iraq, he’d feel better. But then he came upon a second burning bush—burning, but it wouldn’t be consumed. For that bush was God who told Moses to tell Pharaoh to tell the children of Israel they could leave. Moses, who had a bit of a lisp, took his brother Aaron along for support. Ironically, Aaron had also seen a burning bush that morning and tried to consume it, but his wife said, “No, you go with your brother. I’ll just use my toy.”
The two siblings arrived at Pharaoh’s palace and were greeted with hatred and derision, which Moses promptly reported back to God. HaShem said, “This guy doesn’t know what he’s fooling with. I’m gonna give you some magic tricks. Go, do the Copperfield thing. Tell me how it comes out.”
So, Moishe went back to Pharaoh and changed his stick into a serpent (that’s not a metaphor) and some other cool things, but Pharaoh had a guy who could sit buried in an ice block for days and another conjuror who could hang from his nipples indefinitely, so he wasn’t impressed.
“That’s it,” said God. “I gave Pharaoh a chance. Now I’m gonna give him ten chances, each one uglier than the last, and he won’t budge for any of them until the last one.”
Moses said, “You know, God, you could have saved me a bunch of trips back and forth if you just did the last one first.”
But God said, “Don’t be a smarty-tunic, Moses, or you won’t see the promised land.”
So, Moishe and Aaron went back to Pharaoh—back and forth to Pharaoh!—visiting ten horrible plagues upon him. We remember those plagues at the Seder, spilling drops of Manischewitz out of our glasses at the misery each affliction must have caused the Egyptian people.
The first couple were manageable. Blood. Frogs (that was probably kind of cute. Little froggies everywhere like the shower in the movie Magnolia). Then lice, flies—weird that He does lice first before flies, since lice sounds a lot worse than flies. Unless you’re Chinese, in which case you’re used to flied lice. But seriously, the plagues sound hideous, even though they sound a little odd to modern-day ears. Like that cattle disease: murrain. Or why the swarm of locusts came after all the hailstorms. I mean, after hailstorms, what would be left to eat?
So, to make the concept of the Ten Plagues more immediate, more tangible to the modern listener, I’ve come up with a different list of pestilences, a new “top ten,” as it were. It’s not meant to replace the originals—chas v’chalil! [heaven forbid]. It’s just a way to get you to imagine how relentless, how blechy, how terrifying this must have been. So, these are Rabbi Sol’s Ten Scourges!
Number one: Roaches. Icky little disease-carrying bugs. They cause emphysema, they may be responsible for this new SARS virus, you kill one and there’s three more to take their place… I know my wife. If she were Pharaoh, and that were the first plague, forget it! The Jews would be out of Egypt so fast, the matzoh would still be dough!
Scourge number two: Paper Cuts. Imagine falling naked into a pile of scattered sheets of 20lb. bond paper, and each time you move, you cut yourself. And then, every five minutes, HaShem pours grapefruit juice on you. Not very nice, hah? HAH?
Plague three: Those little rectangular advertising cards they put in magazines. Every time you open a book, a newspaper, a diary, there’s one of those on every page. Even if you shake them all out into a garbage can before you read, it doesn’t help. Because every other page has those perfume sniff things in it. Every book in your house will stink like the fragrance counter at Macy’s. And the only thing worse than that is the stench of your own vomit because you’re so nauseous you can’t stand it anymore.
Scourge number four: Home Shopping Network. Every single channel on your television dial (I know, we’re almost there already). Not one item under $200, and Joan Rivers on every third program…naked. The only way she’ll put her clothes back on is if everybody buys her grotesque jewelry, so everybody does.
Plague five: Intestinal gas. Not just the smell but the cramping, the bloating. Every single person on the Long Island Rail Road. Every co-worker on the elevator letting off enough gas to put KeySpan out of business. Then everybody starves and freezes to death because no one dares light a match.
Roaches, cuts, inserts, Joan Rivers, and gas — sounds grisly, hah? But those are just the first five, with five more to go! This is the kind of revenge HaShem deals out when He’s mad.
Number six: Freezer burn. All your meat, all your ice cream, all your TV dinners—they all taste like someone basted them with nitrogen. And that’d before your wife cooks them and makes them taste like she burned them with nitroglycerin.
Plague seven: Militant Arabs. Oh, sure. We slew a few in Iraq, and the Israelis are getting tough on Hamas. But imagine walking down the street, and everywhere you look is a kid throwing a rock, a woman wearing a burqa shooting at you, a man with a grenade in his knapsack—and you don’t even live in West Hempstead.
Plague number eight: Prostate cancer. What Jew can’t relate to prostate cancer? Well, maybe the women, but other than that? Imagine your little sack with shrinking matzoh balls and a gland that’s already halfway to the graveyard. And your proctologist is a former professional wrestler with big, meaty hands. He wears welding gloves because his other ones keep getting torn up by his long, dirty fingernails.
The ninth plague: Oh, this is a bad one: never-ending dental work. Every other week for years, that little sucky thing in your mouth going “pffthhhfffhhhh.” And the novocaine. And the picking at the gum line. And every time he finds another cavity, it’s under the filling. I don’t care how much God hardened Pharaoh’s heart, if He gave the Egyptians never-ending dental work, the Jews would have been shipped across the Red Sea and given free chariot service into Canada if they wanted, just to make it stop.
And now, finally, the tenth scourge, the deal breaker. The one to make every father, mother, brother, and sister weep without end: everywhere you go—inside, outside, the kitchen, the bathroom, the courtroom, the park, the subway, underwater, on a mountain—everywhere you go: inspirational music by John Tesh.
I know, I know. What merciful God would visit that even on a hated enemy? But these are plagues, people, not annoyances. HaShem didn’t go, “Hmm, I think I’ll bother Pharaoh with ten nuisances.” No, he gave the ruler and his people ten plagues—including death of the first born—and the Jews were finally allowed to leave Egypt.
They had more adventures to come, but I’m running short on time, so I thought I’d share a little bit of a happier aspect of the holiday. At the seder, where we eat and drink and retell the story of Pesach (much as I have done now), we also sing songs. Hymns of praise, questioning, and delight. One of the tunes that comes early in the proceedings is called “Dayenu.” It means “enough,” as in, HaShem has done so many miracles for us, but even if he’d done only a couple, one or two, it would have been enough for undying gratitude. Normally, we sing “Dayenu” in Hebrew with some Aramaic in it, but I’ve prepared some special English lyrics. So feel free to sing along or clap your hands or pick your nose—whatever you wanna do, but get into the spirit. This is “Dayenu.”
(sings) “Ohhhh,
Even if he had been sleeping
While six million Jews were slaughtered
Even though he watched us tortured
Dayenu.
(Dayenu) Day Dayenu, Day Dayenu, Day Dayenu, Dayenu Dayenu.
Even if the Muslim putzes
weren’t blowing up our buses
Yadda yadda, Intifada
Dayenu.
We’re all crazy . . . about you.
Couldn’t live without you. Who needs happiness?
Even if there was no Hitler
Even if there was no Haman
Why so many snippy gay men?
Dayenu.
We are chosen
So we’re coping
We’re just hoping
You’ll choose someone else.
Even if we have big noses
Even if we’re prone to hair loss
Even if there was no Tay Sachs
Dayenu.
God is looking
God is watching
God is botching
Everything He does.
Even when the goyim tease us
Even when the gulags freeze us
It’s okay, we murdered Jesus
Dayenu.
(Dayenu) Day Day Dammit! Day Day Dammit! Day Day Dammit
Let’s sing it one more time, why don’t we?
Day Day Dammit! Day Day Dammit! Day Day Dammit
And circumcision hurts, oy!”
Were you singing along? Were you bouncing up and down to the spirit of the holiday? Good! Now go out and make this a wonderful Passover. Have a seder, or, if you’re not, find someone who is and go invite yourself. Kidnap a child so they can answer the four questions, read the Haggadah, greet Eliyahu, connect to the holiday and to your fellow man.
On behalf of myself, my dear wife, Miriam Libby, and our children, Nechemiah, Josiah, Shloime, Chanah, Rivki, Yehuda, Moishe, Yechezkiel, Boruch, Avigdor, Yisroel, Hepzibah, Shaul, Aliza, Shimon, Gedaliah, Naftuli, Benyamin, and Fred (by my first marriage), plus one on the way (Baruch HaShem!), this is Rabbi Sol Solomon saying chag sameach [happy holiday] and shalom oovrachah, from every one of me to every one of you.
Rabbi Sol Solomon sings a Purim song about the resilience of the Jews.
Segment originally aired March 16, 2003, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode
All content (c)2003 TotalTheater Productions. More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
DON’T MESS WITH US
If you try to kill the Jews Here’s a little piece of news: God will stop you, and he’ll drop you dead instead He got Hitler He got Haman And a dozen I’m not namin’ So don’t mess with the Jews Or you’ll lose
If your aim is genocide Then you’d better run and hide `cause HaShem will turn the tide until you drown Every exile and pogrom We’ve emerged triumphant from `Cause the Lord is our sword and our drum
So if you’re a neo-Nazi And you think you’re hotsy-totsy Or you’re blowing up civilians on a bus You had best leave us alone Or we’ll hora on your bones You’ll be stuck, Chuck, so don’t muck with us.
So listen here, you goyim Every girl and every boyim Anti-Semitism brings you only tears `Cause HaShem is in our corner He will make your mom a mourner For the sake of your kids Be a friend to the Yids Treat us nice, treat us well Or you’ll barbecue in hell It’s been like this for 5000 years.
Click above to listen to the episode (audio only).
Here is the 24th episode of the long-running radio show/podcast, Dave’s Gone By, which aired on NY’s WGBB-AM, March 16, 2003. More info: davesgoneby.com.
host: Dave Lefkowitz
Featuring: The history of St. Patrick’s Day; memories of Dublin; Seamus, The Urine Man; Irish music. The story of St. Patrick, and special guest Rabbi Sol Solomon making a whole megillah out of Purim. Also, News Gone By (Moron Moran; The Lost Little Whorehouse, Victoria’s Secret Dylan, the Defibrillators, stolen GEDs and Baseball Camp) and the story of Seamus, The Urine Man.
00:00:01 DAVE GOES IN (St. Patrick’s Day & Purim) 00:08:00 DAVE ON ST. PATRICK’S DAY 00:16:00 DAVE ON IRELAND 00:20:00 DAVE ON THE CLANCY BROTHERS 00:30:00 DAVE ON DUBLIN 00:36:00 DAVE ON IRISH POLITICS 00:45:00 NEWS GONE BY 01:06:00 RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S PURIMSPIEL 01:16:00 DAVE GOES OUT
March 16, 2003 Playlist: “Seamus the Urine Man” & “Sailor Song (Cover’d With Crap)” (Dave), “Don’t Mess With Us” (Rabbi Sol Solomon), “If I Should Fall From Grace With God” (Pogues, 14:00), “The Moonshiner” & “Paddy West” (Clancy Brothers), “I Am Enough for Myself” (Sinead O’Connor), “The Luck of the Irish” (John Lennon & Yoko Ono).
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This skit, an early version of what would become Rabbi Sol Solomon’s Rabbinical Reflections, first aired March 16, 2003 on the 24th episode of the Dave’s Gone By radio program.
(c)2003 David Lefkowitz & Rabbi Sol Solomon
Shalom, Shalom oovrachah, everyone, and chag sameach [happy holiday]. Happy Purim to all of you!
Oy, it was such a long, miserable, goyische winter; it’s time we had a little happiness in our lives. A bit of craziness! Drinking and eating of sweets and turning the whole world a little tohu vavohu—topsy turvy—to celebrate our continued survival on the planet.
I’m Rabbi Sol Solomon on Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York, and I wanna thank Dave Lefkowitz, the host of Dave’s Gone By, for having me back on the show.
Last time, I was here in December for another happy holiday, Chanukah, which too many secular Jews mistake for being just a Yiddish version of Christmas. Well, now all I hear is people calling Purim a Hebraic adaptation of Halloween. Ptooey! Wrong and wrong again! Purim is its own happy holiday; it doesn’t need John Carpenter for validation.
The story of Purim in a nutshell is this: the King of Persia got angry at his first wife, so he killed her. Single again, he went looking around for a shiskeh goddess to be wife number two. Just like in Cinderella, he found her—only, she wasn’t what he thought she was. Her name was Esther, and she was being raised by her uncle, Mordecai. Morty told her, “Look, when you meet the king, be on the safe side: don’t tell him you’re Jewish.”
“Nu, vu den?” [what then?] said Esther. “My name’s Esther, and yours is Mordecai. It’s not like we can pass for Irish.”
“I dunno. Say you’re Presbyterian. And for God’s sake, don’t show him your Lord & Taylor gift certificate!”
So, Esther played it cool, and soon enough she was queen of the land. And Uncle Mordecai visited Esther often. And he kept reminding her: “Remember, if you get your nails done more than three times a week, he’s gonna suspect.”
Mordecai even foiled an assassination attempt on the King by two of his servants. Morty warned Esther, Esther warned her husband, and the plotters were hanged. So Mordecai and Esther were doing fine…except: Esther was not the King’s chief advisor. That position went to a fellow in the Amalak tribe, a man by the name of Haman (spins grogger). Yes, Haman (spins grogger). Haman was a motherf — (spins grogger). A wicked man. A vain man. As the King’s Henry Kissinger, he expected everyone to bow down to him, including Esther’s Uncle Mordecai. But Morty said, “Sorry, I will not bow to you. I bow only before God and my proctologist. And at least God trims His fingernails.”
This got Haman (spins grogger) so mad, he craved revenge not only on Mordecai—who I guess he didn’t realize was Esther’s uncle—but all the Jews in the kingdom. So he drew lots. In fact, he drew lots and lots of lots to determine which day all of the Jews in Persia should be annihilated. And by the way, the word “Purim” means “lots” in old Persian.
Anyway, it turns out that astrologically, the 14th of Adar was the most salubrious day. He actually looked in the horoscope in the Persian Post. It said, “You will make many short-term enemies. Don’t mind them! It’s a great day for a holocaust. However, your love life is still dormant and will remain so for some time. Don’t wear purple.”
Haman (spins grogger) then went to the King and told him all these terrible lies about the Jews: “Oy, they own the media! Oh, they have undue influence calling for a war with Mesopotamia! Oh, they’re ruining Michael Jackson’s career!” All these horrible slanders which the King believed. His Highness, never one to turn down the opportunity for some bloodletting, went along with his advisor’s plan for genocide.
Mordecai heard this and went meshuggah, crying and screaming and tearing his clothes and warning that all the Jews were gonna die. Esther got wind of it and told him, “Calm down. Tell everybody to fast for three days. Pray for me. Pray for all of us.”
She was nervous because a queen isn’t allowed to summon a king. It’s an offense punishable by—you got it—wifeicide. But after the fast, Esther goes to the King and invites him to a big banquet. Typical man, he hears the word “food,” and he’s thrilled to be alive. So they have the feast, and the King notices Mordecai there. So does Haman (spins grogger). The King is then reminded that Mordecai once saved his tuchas. So before evil Haman (spins grogger) can ask the King to kill Mordecai, the King tells him to dress Mordecai like a royal hero and lead him through the streets in a parade. Gritting his teeth, Haman (spins grogger) does what he’s told.
The next night, another banquet, and this time, Esther says the magic words, “Guess who married a Jew? You! And guess what else. There’s a guy in your employ who wants to murder me and all my tribe.”
“Who?” says the KIng. “That Chief of Homeland Security?”
“No,” replied Esther. “Your closest advisor. You know his name. It starts with an `h.’ It’s not Hubert. It’s…HAMAN!” (spins grogger)
Well, that did it for the Haymaster; he was hung on the same gallows he had built for Mordecai. And all ten sons of Haman (spins grogger) were hung. A couple were well-hung, but that’s something different. Mordecai was made prime minister and given a directive that the Jews could defend themselves against anyone who tried to vanquish them.
It all happened on the 14th day of the month of Adar—Purim day. A day the Jews could have been butchered but instead were spared and celebrated. So Mordecai declared it an annual feast day, which over the years has come to include lots of drinking and wearing costumes and masks.
Mordecai also started the custom of giving money to the poor and giving gifts of food and candy, called “shalach manos,” to our neighbors. That’s why it’s different from Halloween; the kids go door to door giving people treats rather than taking. No wonder they grow up cranky.
But seriously, in the synagogue we read the story of Esther, called “The Megillah,” first word to last. We dance around, and, as you’ve heard, make a tremendous amount of noise when we hear the name of that megillah gorilla…Haman! (spins grogger) It’s to blot out his name, to erase him from our thoughts and from our history. Esther and Mordecai, however, are among the most beloved figures in Jewish lore, which leads me to this limerick:
There once was a hero named Mordecai
An upstanding mensch, and a sporty guy
His clever instruction
saved Jews from destruction
and gave them permission to fortify!
And now, get your singing caps on! Time for a little music. A tune I came up with, if you want to sing along. I love the title: “Don’t Mess with Us.”
“If you try to kill the Jews
here’s a little piece of news
God will stop you and he’ll drop you dead instead.
He got Hitler, He got Haman
and a dozen I’m not namin’
So don’t mess with the Jews `cause you’ll lose.
If your aim is genocide
then you better run and hide
`cause HaShem will turn the tide until you drown
Every exile and pogrom
we’ve emerged triumphant from
`cause the Lord is our sword and our drum.
So if you’re a neo-Nazi
and you think you’re hotsy-totsy
or you’re blowing up civilians on a bus
You had best leave us alone
or we’ll hora on your bones
You’ll be stuck, Chuck, so don’t muck with us.
So listen here, you goyim,
every girl and every boyim
anti-Semitism brings you only tears
`cause HaShem is in our corner
He will make your mom a mourner
For the sake of your kids
be a friend to the Yids
Treat us nice, treat us well
or you’ll barbecue in hell
It’s been like this for 5,000 years.
Yagadagadagadee badabaaay
buh buh buh buh bum
Yoyboybaybay daybaybayba
yubuhbuhbuh bum. Hoi!”
So, yes, on this holiday I’m here to spread some joy, to celebrate this merry holiday with music and humor and my basic undercurrent of rage. No, I’m kidding. You can’t get upset on Purim; it’s a wonderful day! And it’s a bigger deal in Eretz Yisroel than it is here. Everyone gets into the spirit. A nice boychick who was in Israel last Purim wrote on his website, “It’s a nationally celebrated party, and everyone is invited! Indeed, it is not uncommon to see rabbits, angels, and Harry Potters sitting at the bus stop or wandering around the supermarket. Nor is it unusual to pass by wizards, policemen, or monsters in the street without a second thought. At one carnival extravaganza, there were flamethrowers, singers and dancers, and I’m sure there were also the ultimate Jewish lifeline, jokes:
The year is 2015 and the situation is grim. The earth’s ozone layer has eroded to where the ice caps are melting and the entire world is about to flood. All the major religions call enclaves on how to lead the people through the crisis. The Pope issues a statement that Catholics should write out a long confession and beg Jesus for salvation. The Protestant church urges its follows to eat only vegetables and cleanse themselves for the final judgment. The Muslim clerics order their people to fast all day and pray from morning to night. The head rabbis argue for an hour. And then they immediately start giving lessons on how to live underwater.
That’s what it’s all about for us: survival. Belief, but pragmatism. Prayer and practicality.
I want to wish you all a Purim sameach [happy].A glorious springtime. May we all have peace—or at least a great piece of hamentaschen. This is Rabbi Sol Solomon saying shalom oovrachah from every one of me to every one of you.
Click above to listen to the episode (audio only).
Here is the 12th episode of the long-running radio show/podcast, Dave’s Gone By, which aired live on WGBB-AM radio, Dec. 22, 2002.
host: Dave Lefkowitz
Featuring: Dave’s anti-Christmas Christmas show, featuring the satirical News Gone By, a visit from Lady Miss Ida Mae Roosevelt, Rabbi Sol Solomon’s version of The 12 Days of Xmas, and Dave’s poem, Three Nights Before Xmas.
00:00:01 DAVE GOES IN 00:04:00 NEWS GONE BY 00:14:00 SKIT: Lady Miss Ida’s Christmas Show 00:30:00 SONG: The Twelve Complaints of Christmas (Rabbi Sol Solomon) 00:43:00 POEM: “Three Nights Before Christmas” (Dave) 00:51:00 SONG: “Twelve Months of Dave’s Gone By” (Dave)
December 22, 2002 Playlist: “Jesus Gonna Be Here” (Tom Waits, 33:00), “I’m a Christmas Tree” (Dr. Demento & Wild Man Fischer, 36:00), “Silent Night” (Tiny Tim), “Silent Night/7 O’Clock News” (Simon & Garfunkel), “Get Right with God” (Lucinda Williams), “Jerusalem” (Steve Earle), “Carol for the Planet” (Susan Mazer & Dallas Smith), “Twelve Days of Christmas” (Rabbi Sol Solomon), “Three Nights Before Christmas” & “Twelve Months of Dave’s Gone By” (51:00) (Dave).
Rabbi Sol Solomon sings his crabby holiday classic, “The Twelve Complaints of Christmas.”
Segment originally aired Dec. 22, 2002, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode.
All content (c)2002 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
Rabbi Sol Solomon offers a special edition of the News Gone By segment — news of the week from his uniquely Jewish perspective.
Segment originally aired Nov. 24, 2002, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode
All content (c)2002 TotalTheater Productions. More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S APOCRYPHA #4: News for Jews
(c)2002 David Lefkowitz & Rabbi Sol Solomon
NOTE: In the early days of the radio program, “Dave’s Gone By,” host Dave Lefkowitz wrote and emceed a weekly segment called the “News Gone By.” It was a “Weekend Update”-style, comical riff on the week’s current events. For his eighth episode, which aired Nov. 24, 2002 during the Chanukah holiday, Dave invited Rabbi Sol to take over the whole program, including the “News Gone By,” which Sol reworked into “News for Jews.” Here’s the transcript:
Welcome back to the show, November 24, 2002. This is the News for Jews—current events from around the world from a Rabbinical pinnacle.
Our top story: What else could it be? Iraq, Kuwait, Saudi Arabia, Nigeria—the Muslims are going nuts! What the hell is wrong with these people?
The hummus really hit the fan on Thursday when a Palestinian militant killed 11 people and injured 49 others when he blew himself up on a crowded Jerusalem bus. It was morning rush hour. The bus was filled with commuters and schoolkids. Witnesses said they heard children screaming, “Mama! Mama!”, from the wreckage.
Reuters reported that the militant group Hamas—of course—took credit for the carnage. Speculation is they’re stepping up terror attacks to make Prime Minister Ariel Sharon and his hard-line policies look bad before the general elections happening January 28th.Running against Sharon’s Likud Party is Amram Mitzna, the Mayor of Haifa, heading the Labor Party.
Now, Labor almost chose former Defense Minister Binyamin Ben-Eliezer, but he was seen as being too pro-Sharon, too hard-line, and Labor wanted to be more left-wing. So, the elections will be a real referendum on whether the people of Israel believe Sharon should stay the course or if they should just throw up a white flag and withdraw unilaterally from the “occupied” territories.
It’s assumed that giving back all the land will finally bring peace to the region. As if. Let me tell you something. There was terrorism before 1967, and there will be terrorism after 2002. But if they want to try something else, if they want to give the Arabs a chance, here is my suggestion:
Go. Give back the land. All the occupied territories, Gaza, the whole shmear. It’s all sand and camel piss anyway. That’s all the bastards have done with it for 35 years. So let them have it. Everything except East Jerusalem, for now. Make the borders secure, and see if these so-called peace-loving Islamics can govern themselves. If the terrorism stops, if the Jews stop dying, mazel tov! We’ll all dance around, we’ll shake hands, and in ten years, we’ll talk about giving up East Jerusalem. However, if there’s any terrorism, or military action against Israel, Israel reserves the right to strike back. But not just the way they’ve been doing, but in a punitive way. A way that would shock even the most militant Al Qaeda operative.
They want Hebron? Give them Hebron. But if some burqa-wearing bitch gets on a bus in Tel Aviv and blows it up, we don’t just isolate Yasser Arafat in his office building and keep him there; we blow up the office building with him in it! And the building next to it. And the building next to that. And the building behind it. And the building down the block.
And if they still don’t get the message? If they have their land back, yet still there’s more terrorism, a few airplanes strafing Arab markets with machine-gun fire should get the point across. When 150, 200 Arabs die for every Israeli being killed, maybe then they’ll think twice about martyrdom. And every time there’s a terrorist attack resulting in loss of life or limb, that pushes back the time table for getting back East Jerusalem another two years. So, if there are six terrorist attacks in a given years, that’s a dozen extra years before we even hit the negotiating table.
That is my offer; take it or leave it. Call it tough love. Call it tough hate. But these people are out of control. Look what happened in Nigeria. A beauty pageant. A stupid beauty pageant caused four days of rioting and left more than 200 people dead. Why? Because the devout Muslims read in the newspaper a reporter defending the pageant saying that if Muhammad were around, quote, “He would probably have chosen a wife from one of the contestants.” That’s it. For this, scores of Muslim youth finished their prayers on Friday, then they went around setting cars on fire and stoning and beating the crap out of Christians. To be fair, it should be noted that Christian vigilante groups started running around counter-attacking Muslims. Pretty soon, churches and mosques were burning all over the northern city of Kaduna and the capital city, Abuja.
According to Newsday, Nigerian officials initially saw the pageant as a source of good PR for the country, a way of attracting tourists. After all, Abuja is the Baltimore of the Middle East. But the whole thing backfired so much, officials are moving the beauty contest to London, where the Muslims are too busy selling fast-food curry to do any real damage. Well, except to people’s colons.
But let’s be clear about this: Nigeria has 120 million people in it. (Well, minus 200.) And it’s not as if they’re all Muslim. It’s about half-and-half Muslim and Christian. So Christians have just as much right to look at boobs as Muslims have to look away. If you log on to the official Miss World website, www.missworld.org, not only do you get to read a letter by the Nigerian minister of foreign affairs, where he condemns stoning, but you can see and vote on who you want to be Miss World.
Now, let me tell you something: there are some hot women here, of all races, creeds, and colors. For example, get a load of the melons on Miss Bosnia-Herzegovina! Not only would Muhammad have married her, he’d have done a threesome with her and Miss Holland! He would have gotten Jesus on the phone and said, “Look, Magdalene’s cute. But you gotta check out Miss Algeria. Her hobbies are reading books, volleyball, basketball, and swallowing.”
But, no. The Muslims can’t let anybody live and let live. They just caught the guy who masterminded that nightclub bombing in Bali that killed 200 people. He’s an Indonesian who trained with militants in Afghanistan, and he has ties to Southeast Asia. Meanwhile, President Bush keeps pressuring Iraq to confess whether it has any biological or chemical weapons. If Iraq swears that it has no weapons, America will attack because they’re obviously lying. If Iraq does admit to an illegal arsenal, America will attack, because they’re dangerous weapons in dangerous hands. If Iraq allows UN weapon inspectors to tour its facilities, America will attack because they’re not showing all the really secret hiding places.
No, of course it’s not fair. But considering what’s going on, I really do think it’s time for militant fanatical Moslems all over the world to be disarmed. I don’t mean taking away their weapons; I mean cutting their arms off! This is not so much punitive as practical. They’d spend so much time between prayer sessions trying to get their shoes back on, they wouldn’t have time for any hanky-panky. Speaking of hanky-panky: Miss Israel, you have my number. If my wife picks up, tell her you’re Mrs. Elfenbein from the Couples Club and you’ll reach me at the office.
But seriously, if you think I’m a dirty old man, how about these people in the news? First, you had the counselor convicted of sexual abuse at the Harlem Boys Choir. Then, Jeffrey Jones, the guy who played the Dean in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, has been charged with possessing child pornography and taking nudie pictures of a 14-year-old boy. And in the same sting operation, worst of all, a Jew, Paul Reubens—yes, Pee-wee Herman, was arrested for possessing kiddie porn. All three men are in their fifties, and they’re all facing jail time for their jailbait time. I do feel a little sorry for Paul Reubens—real name, Paul Rubenfeld. First, years ago, he was arrested in public in a dirty movie theater for doing what people do in a dirty movie theater. Now, they’ve arrested him for looking at pornography in his own home. I think the next step is the FBI will wire his brain so that every time he even thinks about dirtiness, the police will show up at his door with handcuffs and a warrant. You can just see that: Pee-wee is at home, he’s planning his next career move (whatever that is): “Hmmm, let’s see. I had some momentum going there playing the drug dealer in that Johnny Depp movie. Maybe if my agent can land me a guest shot on The Sopranos, maybe a pilot on Comedy Central for this new character I’m working on… All right, if worse comes to worst, I could play that weirdo again on Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Sarah Michelle Gellar. Nice half-Jewish girl. She was really good to work with. Great sense of humor. Nice pair of boobs. No, no wait! Don’t go there! She’s a nice girl. And that girl playing Willow, that Alyson Hannigan. Lotta fun, too. Good people. And, you know, they really should do more scenes together: Alyson and Sarah Michelle. Like that kissing scene they did. They could be in the cafeteria after a food fight, and they’re both soaking wet, and their nipples are pointy, and they start taking their clothes off and touching each other’s boobs and—” (knocking noise)
“Paul Reubens? Mr. Paul Reubens? It’s the police! Open up.”
“Oy, oy, wait, I’m coming! I mean, no, I’m not coming! I mean, just a minute…”
Oy, poor Pee-wee. Such a brilliant man. So much funny material. But behind the zipper, there’s a dark side, which is why I would like to dedicate this little poem to Paul Reubens:
Oy, pity the poor Pee-wee Herman
Arrested for moanin’ and squirmin’
For he masturbated
to pictures x-rated
`Cause he has no girl to put sperm-in.
And to think, they picked that anti-Semite, Amiri Baraka, to be poet laureate when I’m right here creating gems like that.
In other news for Jews: recently released files obtained under the Freedom of Information Act shows that the FBI hounded chess master Bobby Fischer for years under the assumption that he or his mother was a Communist spy. According to the Associated Press, the FBI was especially interested in Bobby Fischer’s 1958 trip to Russia. An agent posed as a student journalist to interview producers of the television show, “I’ve Got a Secret,” which featured Fischer before he left. Informants at the tournament said that Fischer behaved badly and at one point called his mother to complain, “It’s no good here.”
Maybe there’s no direct causality here, but this hounding by the Federal Government may give some clue why Fischer, one of the great chess players of the modern era, also turned out a bissel meshiggeh [a little crazy] — throwing tantrums, making impossible demands, railing against the United States. What do you expect? He was paranoid.
So, after winning the chess crown in 1972, he quit three years later. Still, there’s no excuse for the anti-Semitism he has been spouting for two decades. In recent radio interviews, Fischer praised the September 11th terrorist attacks, saying America should be “wiped out.” And even though his mother was Jewish, he’s described Jews as “thieving, lying bastards.”
Mr. Fischer, you are the bastard. I’d like to take a bishop with a razor on the end of it, shove it up your tuchas, and then move it diagonally across your vital organs. And then I’d take a couple of pawns—black or white, it doesn’t matter—fry them in a skillet, and while they’re still piping hot, push them down your throat one by one. And, finally, I’d take two rooks, pour a little hydrochloric acid on the tops of them, and then thrust them, vertically, into your eye sockets.
All right, I have issues. But he’s a putz.
In sad news: someone who wasn’t a jerk, Israeli diplomat Abba Eban, died November 17, at age 87. He was a crucial ambassador to the UN and to the US, during the formative years of Yisroel, as well through the four Arab wars of 1948, ’56, ’67, and ’73. It was Eban who coined the phrase that the Palestinians, “Never miss a chance to miss an opportunity.”
After serving in the British army during World War II, Eban quit to work diplomatically towards Israel’s independence. For obvious reasons, he started as an intellectual utopian but became more of a realist as the years went by. Still, he was always more popular overseas than he was at home, for they thought of him as sort of a snob, a dove, and more a talker than a doer. But he remained a world-famous figurehead, best known in recent years for helping write and narrate the video series, Heritage: Civilization and the Jews, which is unwatchable because he had the most nasal voice I’ve ever heard on any human being anywhere! Abba Eban: you were a good guy, and I hope you go to heaven, but whatever you do, I hope the first thing HaShem hands you is a Sudafed and a pocket inhaler.
Finally, in news for Jews: as we said, this Friday night is the first night of Chanukah, where we celebrate the victory of Jews over Greek and Syrian forces in the second century. We light candles on the menorah for eight days to commemorate the eight straight days that a little bit of oil burned night after night in the desecrated Jerusalem temple. It burned long enough for the Hebrews to make new oil for the candelabra—oil that wasn’t made of pork or tallow or was otherwise defiled. And if you think there’s no difference between one kind of oil and another, ask George Bush why he’s bombing Iraq and not Saudi Arabia.
And that’s News for Jews for this edition of “News Gone By,” November 24, 2002. Send in your comments, opinions, and Miss World votes to Dave’s Gone By. Unless otherwise requested, all comments and questions may be read on the air—name withheld upon request if you’re a coward. If you send potato latkes, remember that the apple sauce has to be in a separate, sealed container, or else it goes all over the mailman, and he yells at me, and he throws my magazines in the bushes. What do you expect? He’s a Lutheran.
