SONGS – List & Links

Hi folks! Here are audio archives and written lyrics of original songs performed on DAVE’S GONE BY.
All material is copyright protected by the author, as noted.

Captain Liflander’s War Madrigal
(5/3/03) Dave unearths a patriotic war song from the not-so-good-old days.
Listen / Full Episode

Cover’d with Crap
(3/16/03) Dave sings a delightfully repugnant sea shanty.
Listen / Full Episode

Dayenu 2003
(4/13/03): Rabbi Sol Solomon sings a Purim song about the resilience of the Jews.
Listen / Full Episode

Deep in the Heart of Dallas
(7/9/16): Dave sings a socio-political ditty.
Listen / Full Episode

A Dingo Ate My Baby
(1/26/03) Dave goes down under to sing of a tasty tragedy.
Listen / Full Episode

Don’t Mess with Us
(3/16/03): Rabbi Sol Solomon sings a Purim song about the resilience of the Jews.
Listen / Full Episode

Enema Blues
(1/19/03): Joined by Scott Rodolitz, Dave Lefkowitz sings the Fisch-Heads song, “Enema Blues.”
Listen / Full Episode

(I’m Having a) Gay Christmas
(12/23/04): Gay icon Peter Fitzgerald sings a Yuletide ditty.
Listen / Full Episode

Is it Good for the Jews?
(12/9/04): Rabbi Sol Solomon asks an age-old question in song.
Listen / Full Episode

It’s a Stiff
(12/8/03): A holiday ditty based on the true story of a woman who disposed of her unwanted infant in a not-so-Christmassy way.
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Jeopardy Ken
(7/22/04): A song of tribute to Jeopardy champion Ken Jennings.
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Joey, the Spastic Kangaroo
(1/26/03): Dave goes down under to relate the tale of a mentally retarded marsupial.
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Look What They Done to My Head
(6/24/04): With Muslim terrorists now staging decapitations for video, let’s imagine a song to go with them.
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Makin’ Poopies
(11/4/04): A song celebrating the joys of relief.
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M-O-T-H-E-R
(5/11/03): Dave sings a Mother’s Day tribute to moms, acronymically.
Listen / Full Episode

My Doggy’s Christmas Gift
(12/30/04): A holiday song to warm the cockles of pet lovers’ hearts everywhere.
Listen / Full Episode

Nirvanity
(12/1/02): Dave sings about the merchandising of Kurt Cobain.
Listen / Full Episode

Oh, Dat Ben!
(11/14/15): Dave found this beautiful, spiritual hymn sung by presidential candidate Ben Carson. Or at least about him.
Listen / Full Episode

The Rectum of Edmund Fitzgerald
(1/19/04): A ballad not-so-loosely based on the Mepham High School sodomy trial on Long Island.
Listen / Full Episode

Santasia
(12/23/04): A deeply warped and perverted take on “The Night Before Christmas,” for your holiday pleasure.
Listen / Full Episode

Seamus, the Urine Man
(3/16/03): Recently back from Dublin, Dave sings of his encounter with an Irish legend.
Listen / Full Episode

Take Your Underoos Down (The Rolf Harris Song)
(7/19/14): In July 2014, legendary Australian TV personality Rolf Harris was sentenced to 69 months in prison for molesting numerous under-aged women over the course of two decades. Let’s hear his song, shall we?
Listen / Full Episode

Three Nights Before Christmas (2002)
(12/22/02): Dave recites a topical holiday poem.
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Trayvon
(7/20/13): A song about the Trayvon Martin/George Zimmerman confrontation and trial.
Listen / Full Episode

The Twelve Complaints of Christmas
(12/22/02): Rabbi Sol Solomon sings a crabby holiday classic.
Listen / Full Episode

Twelve Months of Dave’s Gone By
(12/22/02): Dave sings a holiday carol for his radio show.
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Undies
(8/24/13): At last, Joey Eugene Gallegos, the Greeley Underwear Bandit, has been apprehended, and here is his song.
Listen / Full Episode

We Killed Santa Claus
(12/23/04): A humbuggy holiday carol.
Listen / Full Episode

When Bushie Goes Marching In
(3/23/03): Dave’s rah-rah ballad to mark the start of the war in Iraq.
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Dave’s Gone By Song (7/9/16): DEEP IN THE HEART OF DALLAS

ZZ-Song-DeepintheHeartofDallasDave sings his socio-political ditty, “Deep in the Heart of Dallas.”

Song originally aired July 9, 2016, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode

All content (c)2016 TotalTheater Productions.

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

DEEP IN THE HEART OF DALLAS

Oh the moon shone bright on a hot July night
Deep in the heart of Dallas
The crowd turned out to holler and shout
Deep in the heart of Dallas

They came in peace to protest police
Deep in the heart of Dallas
`Cause if you’re brown, you’ll get shot down
Pretty much anywhere, not just Dallas

Baton Rouge’s best shot a black in the chest
Deep in Louisiana
The gun was in his pocket, but the cops just said, “aw, fuck it!”
Deep in Louisiana

A few hours later in St. Paul, Minnesater
A guy and gal were drivin’
A zealous cop made them come to a stop
They thought that he was jivin’

The fuzz did shout, “Your taillight is out!
Let’s see your registration.”
He meant no harm, but he shot up the guy’s arm.
Which caused some consternation.

With two blacks dead all the people said,
“Out in the streets we’ll gather,
We’ll show the fuzz what a movement does:
Hashtag – Black Lives Matter.”

But one lone man had a bigger plan
Deep in the heart of Dallas
His name was Micah
And whites? He no like-ah
Deep in the heart of Dallas

Feelin’ low and mean with a full magazine
Deep in the heart of Dallas
He aimed real well, and the bodies fell
Deep in the heart of Dallas

A robot bomb blew his ass to kingdom come
Deep in the heart of Dallas
But not before he wounded seven more
Deep in the heart of Dallas

Now the cops hate blacks and the blacks hate them back
And nothing’s gonna stop it
And that is what we’re stuck with.
Each one thinks that the other one stinks
And boy, you better not fuck with.

The victims wail when the systems fail
Deep in the heart of America
It’s just another day in the good ol’ USA

© 2016 David Lefkowitz

Dave’s Gone By Song (11/14/15): OH, DAT BEN!


ZZ-Song-OhDatBen
Dave found this beautiful, spiritual hymn sung by presidential candidate Ben Carson. Or at least about him.

Segment originally aired Nov. 14, 2015, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode

All content (c)2015 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

OH DAT BEN

When I be nine years old, I hit my momma with a hammer.
When I be ten years old, I bashed my brother with a brick.
When I be eleven years old, I went apeshit with a baseball bat.
Oh lawd, I remember.
Vote for me in November.

When I be twelve years old, I hit my momma with another hammer.
When I be thirteen years old, I stabbed a classmate in the hip.
When I be fourteen years old, somehow I got hold of yet another hammer.
Oh lawd, I remember.
Vote for me in November.

But now I’s a different man, and I gots no anger
I’s got a Yale degree, and I done surgery
So listen, America, from Maine to Alabama
Vote Ben Carson.
And hide yo’ motherfucking hammers.

©2015 David Lefkowitz

Dave’s Gone By Song (7/19/14): TAKE YOUR UNDEROOS DOWN (The Rolf Harris Song)


ZZ-Song-TakeYourUnderoosDownIn July 2014, legendary Australian TV personality Rolf Harris was sentenced to 69 months in prison for molesting numerous under-aged women over the course of two decades. Let’s hear his song, shall we?

Song aired July 19, 2004, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode

All content (c)2014 TotalTheater Productions.

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com


TAKE YOUR UNDEROOS DOWN (The Rolf Harris Song)

(spoken) There’s an old Australian TV host, resting in his jail cell, surrounded by perverts, murderers, and stockbrokers. So he gets himself up on one elbow, and he turns to his mates, who are examining his hidden stash of child pornography, and he sings to them:

Once I used to be great, mate,
Once I used to be great.
Now just look at my fate, mate,
All the girls are irate – `cause I told them:

Take your Underoos down, slut,
Take your Underoos down
Keep your little mouth shut, slut
Take your Underoos down

She’s a tender young queen, Jean,
She’s a tender young queen
She was only 14, Jean,
She’s a tender young queen

All together now!
Take your Underoos down, slut,
Take your Underoos down
Keep your little mouth shut, slut
Take your Underoos down

That girl put me in heaven, Kevin
That girl put me in heaven.
She was only seven, Kevin
That girl put me in heaven.

Everyone!
Untie your Underoos now, slut,
Untie your Underoos now
Don’t you dare start a row, cow,
Untie your Underoos now

That one made me so glum, chum,
That one made me so glum
Filled her bum with my cum, chum,
But she snitched to her mum!

Oh no, now!
Pull your Underoos down, slut,
Pull your Underoos down
Show Uncle Rolfie your butt, slut,
Take your Underoos down

(sad section)
Now, they call me the devil, Neville,
Now they call me the devil
They’ll put me in the gravel, Neville,
Just like they did to Saville

Everyone!
Take your Underoos down, slut,
Take your Underoos down
Finger the place that’s brown, don’t frown!
Take your Underoos down

Show me a little bit more, whore
Show me a little bit more
Are you sure you’re only four, whore?
Show Uncle Rolfie some more!

All together now!
Take your Underoos down, slut,
Take your Underoos down
Take your Underoos down, slut,
Take your Underoos down

©2014 Dave Lefkowitz

Dave’s Gone By Song (8/24/13): UNDIES

ZZSong-UndiesAt last, Joey Eugene Gallegos, the Greeley Underwear Bandit, has been apprehended, and here is his song.

For the backstory on this song:  http://www.denverpost.com/2013/08/21/greeley-police-arrest-suspected-underwear-thief/

Song aired Aug. 24, 2013, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode.

All content (c)2013 TotalTheater Productions. (Music: “Dandy,” by Ray Davies)

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

UNDIES

by David Lefkowitz (music: Dandy by The Kinks)

Undies Undies
Sittin’ in the laundry
Puts me in a quand’ry

The women in this town
Will bring their laundry down
They’ll leave their clothes on spin
Then I’ll sneak in for

Undies Undies
Beautiful selection
Just for my collection

It’s wrong to be a thief
But I need some relief
I know I’m breaking laws
To steal the bras and

Panties Panties
When nobody watches
I sniff the crotches

I’ve got 300 pair
Of ladies’ underwear
It’s wrong, but I don’t care
Because I long for

Undies Undies Undies.

Panties
It’s just a bit of naughty fun
Panties
And now they keep me on the run
Panties
Well, I’m not hurting anyone

`Cause when I get them home I take them from my gunny sack
And once I’ve shot my load in `em, they’re welcome to them back

Oh, Undies Undies
Beautiful selection
Gives me an erection

And when I’m put away
No longer will I play
I’ll sit and dream all day
Of undies all my life
All my life
All my life
All my life . . .

(c)2013 David Lefkowitz

Dave’s Gone By Song (7/20/13): TRAYVON

ZZ-Song-Trayvon
A song about the Trayvon Martin/George Zimmerman confrontation and trial.

Segment aired July 20, 2013, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.
All content (c)2013 TotalTheater Productions.
Lyrics & Performance by Dave Lefkowitz. Melody originally written by Sonny West, Bill Tilghman and Norman Petty and made famous by Buddy Holly.

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

Dave’s Gone By Song (12/30/04): MY DOGGY’S CHRISTMAS GIFT


ZZ-Song-MyDoggysChristmasGiftA holiday song to warm the cockles of pet lovers’ hearts everywhere.

Segment originally aired Dec. 23, 2004, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode.

All content (c)2004 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com

MY DOGGY’S CHRISTMAS GIFT

by David Lefkowitz

(spoken) So here it is, just weeks away from Christmas. You’ve shopped for your family, your friends, your special friends, and even bought a trinket for yourself. But oh my gracious, haven’t you forgotten someone? Someone close to you. Loyal, playful, full of love every day of the year. What, oh what will you offer your canine companion?

You can give your dog a toy that would make him leap with joy
Or sneak your mutt a mutton cut of prime
But when Christmas has come, something special must be done
Sometimes tasteful, not expensive but sublime.

You can spend a pretty dollar on a doghouse or a collar
You can pamper her or groom him till he glows
But the thing I like to do – and I know that he will, too,
Is to share the gift of love that overflows.

I’m gonna give my dog an enema for Christmas
All dressed up in a Santa Claus disguise
Each yuletide without fail, I lift my doggy’s tail
And give his little poop chute a surprise.

I’m gonna fill his little anus up with bubbles
And rinse his small intestines out with cream
I’ll sing a little ode as Bowser’s bowels explode
It makes the yuletide pass just like a dream.

I’m gonna pump my pooch with barium for Christmas.
And spike it with a pint or two of gin
I’ll grease him up with lube, and then insert the tube
And stroke his furry muzzle as the tide rolls in.

I’m gonna squeeze the water deep into his anus
No longer will he constipated be
I’ll pump until he’s sore, and then I’ll squirt some more
And maybe save a drop or two for me.

Now, some express dismay at this holiday display
They say, “Dave, perhaps the doggy is in pain?”
I say, “Yes, he starts in grief, but my goodness, the relief
When his doggy doos go doodling down the drain.”

And so I give my dog an enema each Christmas
And squeeze the bag of Fleet with all my might
As gobs of Christmas cheer come flying out his rear
I say, “Merry diarrhea, and to all, a good shite!”

And if you’re wondering what gift to get your spaniel
Or how to make a wolfhound howl with glee
Buy a nozzle and a bowl and k.y. for his hole
And douche your pooch beneath the Christmas tree.
I guarantee: you’ll have a merry, messy yuletide spree
Yessirree, an excremental Christmas memory.

(spoken) Careful children, that is not eggnog.

©2004 David Lefkowitz

Dave’s Gone By Song (12/23/04): WE KILLED SANTA CLAUS


ZZSong-WeKilledSantaClaus

A humbuggy holiday carol.

Segment originally aired Dec. 23, 2004, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode.

All content (c)2004 TotalTheater Productions.

More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com


WE KILLED SANTA CLAUS

by David Lefkowitz (sung to “Here Come Santa Claus” by Gene Autry & Oakley Haldeman)

We killed Santa Claus
We killed Santa Claus
We killed Jesus, too
Nailed him to a cross
No big freakin’ loss
Just another cranky Jew

All our life was trouble and strife
From the Holocaust to Pogroms.
So keep J.C. away from me
He’s worse than terrorist bombs.

We kill babies
We kill children
Use their blood for cake.
We own Hollywood
We own Wall Street
Take take take take take

This is what you’ve said about us
For the past 2,000 years
Pound, Voltaire, and Charles Baudelaire
and any goy who’s had four beers

We killed Santa Claus
We killed Santa Claus
And we’d do it again
Goodbye carols
Goodbye crèches
No goodwill toward men

You’ve hated us since the birth of Christ
So we hate you in return
So stick your mass
Straight up your ass
And burn, Joan of Arc, bitch, burn.

©2004 David Lefkowitz

Dave’s Gone By Song (12/23/04): SANTASIA


ZZ-Song-Santasia

A deeply warped and perverted take on “The Night Before Christmas,” for your holiday pleasure.

Segment originally aired Dec. 30, 2004, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode

All content (c)2004 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com


SANTASIA

by David Lefkowitz

`Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the malls
Santa was bouncing young boys on his balls.
The children would snuggle all deep in his lap
Which is why Santa’s suit had a secret front flap.

His stocking was hung like a pornstar in heat
As fidgety children would straddle his meat
The mommies would wander and endlessly shop
While Santa found nine-year-old cherries to pop.

On Trojan, on Durex, on Hot Rod and Crown
His tree would light up when the children went down.
With tears in his eyes and beer on his breath,
Old Santa would quiver with each little death.

And when he was through, he’d give each child a buck
“Ho, ho, ho!” he would say. “And thanks for the fuck!”
After every tenth child, he drank juice and rested
And gave candy canes to the tykes he molested.

Only twice all day did he excuse himself
To visit the men’s room and bugger an elf.
And when he was finished, he again took his place
With a boy on his lap and a girl on his face.

Then, outside the store, there arose such a ruckus
That Santa stopped fondling an eight-year-old’s tuchas.
He said, “What the hell?” and jumped flat to the floor
As a dozen policemen burst through the door.

“You, in the fat suit! You’ve got quite a nerve.”
“Yes, twelve inches long,” said the jolly old perv.
“That’s not what I meant,” said Captain O’Flynn.
“Now put your hands up and your pecker back in!”

“But what did I do?” Santa said with a shrug.
“I just gave them affection . . . and sex and a drug.”
“We know who you are, and it’s not Santa Claus.
You’re just an old weirdo who breaks Megan’s Laws.”

“But these children love me! They’re all my new friends.
So what if there’s blood coming out their rear ends?
I treat them as equals regardless of class.
`Cause Santa loves fairness, and an ass is an ass.
Each child gets a chance to hold Santa’s hand,
To stroke Santa’s beard, and yank Santa’s gland.
From the brawniest jock to the scrawniest worm,
All children are blessed when covered with sperm.”

A whole minute passed `fore the Captain could speak.
With a lump in his throat and tears down his cheek.
“Forgive me,” he said, “I was quick to accuse.
I saw all these youngsters with stained underoos.
I just didn’t realize you had such a heart;
They’re lucky to have you at this mega-mart.
Don’t let us disturb you; we’ll be on our way.
Merry Christmas, dear Santa, and have a nice day.”

And quick as a wink, the cops left the store,
And Santa went back to his under-age whores.
He looked at his penis, all hairy and bent
and said, “Thank God five is the age of consent.”

He saw one child laughing and said, “Think that’s funny?
I’m gentle compared to my pal, Easter Bunny.”
Now, line up in order, and don’t you get fresh.
I’m harder than granite and crave sweet young flesh.

He gave the kids candy; he gave the moms cash.
He gave the whole town a venereal rash.
And when the last child had been raped and defiled
Santa Claus looked at his winkie and smiled.

He stood up and leered and did a cute dance
And tasted the smears that were left on his pants.
The children said, “Santa, where is your sleigh?”
“Out there,” he said, pointing to a black Chevrolet.

“Do you have any reindeer? Do you have any toys?”
“Just the ones I used on you, girls and boys.”

Said one little girl still rubbing her rear,
“Please tell us, dear Santa, you’ll be back next year.”
Santa paused for a moment, then leaned down and kissed her.
“Of course I will,” he whispered, “if you bring your sister.
Now carry my suitcase. I warn you, it’s heavy.”
And quick as a wink, they were off to his Chevy.

The engine did rev, and the tires did screech.
The upholstery smelled of whiskey and bleach
and beer and tobacco and dog diarrhea
as off Santa went to the next galleria.

But they heard him exclaim as he drove off the lot,
“Merry Christmas to all! Goddamn, that was hot.”

©2004 David Lefkowitz

Dave’s Gone By Song (12/9/04): IS IT GOOD FOR THE JEWS? w/ Rabbi Sol Solomon

ZZ-Song-IsItGoodfortheJewsA song of questioning from Rabbi Sol Solomon.

Segment originally aired Dec. 9, 2004, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.

Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode

All content (c)2004 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com


IS IT GOOD FOR THE JEWS?

by Rabbi Sol Solomon (as transcribed by David Lefkowitz)

Is it good for the Jews?
Do we win? Do we lose?
Should we laugh? Should we cry?
666 or maybe chai?

Is it righteous
Is it wrong?
Is it relevant to this song?
Weigh the subtext and the clues
As they pertain to Jews.

Ask the Rebbe, ask the mohel
Is it good for Yisroel?
Do we dance or sing the blues
Is it good, goddammit, for the Jew?

Does it mollify? Does it harm?
Does it qualify for alarm?
Is the danger far or near?
Is it joy or oy vey iz mir?

Is it heaven? Is it hell?
Do we gasp, or do we kvell?
A mound of gold or a pile of shoes
Is it good . . . ?

©2004 David Lefkowitz