Segment originally aired Dec. 9, 2004, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
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IS IT GOOD FOR THE JEWS?
by Rabbi Sol Solomon (as transcribed by David Lefkowitz)
Is it good for the Jews?
Do we win? Do we lose?
Should we laugh? Should we cry?
666 or maybe chai?
Is it righteous
Is it wrong?
Is it relevant to this song?
Weigh the subtext and the clues
As they pertain to Jews.
Ask the Rebbe, ask the mohel
Is it good for Yisroel?
Do we dance or sing the blues
Is it good, goddammit, for the Jew?
Does it mollify? Does it harm?
Does it qualify for alarm?
Is the danger far or near?
Is it joy or oy vey iz mir?
Is it heaven? Is it hell?
Do we gasp, or do we kvell?
A mound of gold or a pile of shoes
Is it good . . . ?
Segment originally aired Nov. 4, 2004, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode.
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MAKIN’ POOPIES
by David Lefkowitz
Another seat, another bowl Another log comes out my hole It’s really pleasin’ when I’m a-squeezin’ And makin’ poopies.
I pull my shorts below my rump I read the sports and take a dump It’s brown and shiny straight from the hiney That’s makin’ poopies.
Sometimes I sit for ages waiting so patiently. Though my intestine rages, nuggets are all I see.
I eat some bran and have some juice Run to the can and shake it loose I wipe my tushie when it gets mooshy From makin’ poopies.
My little rectum, it does the job Be it a hot dog or just a blob It’s such a passion to feel the splashin’ Of makin’ poopies.
I grit my teeth and hug my gut while underneath I hear a “splut” It always happens with all my crappin’s I’m makin’ poopies.
One day my gut got swollen, I chalked it up to gas. But when I touched my colon, Blood shot out of my ass.
Now I feel woe, and it’s a drag `cause when I go, it’s in a bag I miss the odors of all the floaters When making poopies.
So listen here, I recommend That once a year, check your rear end. Just find a docto’ to do a procto He’ll stick a finga up your gazinga You’ll scream and yelp, but it may help in makin’ poopies.
A song of tribute to Jeopardy champion Ken Jennings
Segment originally aired July 22, 2004, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode.
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More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
JEOPARDY KEN
by David Lefkowitz
Deep in his bank account, he’s put a million bucks Some call it genius, while others call it luck He looks like something that fell off a turnip truck.
Everybody sing: Hey Jeopardy Ken, do it again, Jeopardy Ken. Hey, Jeopardy Ken, what did you win, Jeopardy Ken?
He comes from Utah and his brother picks his ties “Oh look, he won again.” Surprise, surprise, surprise. He’s such a marvel, he’s the devil in disguise.
All the mormons sing: Hey Jeopardy Ken, do it again, Jeopardy Ken. Hey, Jeopardy Ken, what did you win, Jeopardy Ken?
He’s just as smug as a computer geek can be All the suspense is gone by Final Jeopardy But no one else can run the board on Potpourri.
Alex Trebek sings: Hey Jeopardy Ken, do it again, Jeopardy Ken. Hey, Jeopardy Ken, what did you win, Jeopardy Ken? Hey Jeopardy Ken, do it again, Jeopardy Ken. Hey, Jeopardy Ken, what did you win, Jeopardy Ken? (Ale!)
With Muslim terrorists now staging decapitations for video, let’s imagine a song to go with them.
Segment originally aired June 24, 2004, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
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LOOK WHAT THEY DONE TO MY HEAD, MA
by David Lefkowitz
Look what they done to my head, ma. Look what they done to my head. Well, they hacked it off with a giant sword And left me lying dead, ma. Look what they done to my head.
They put my face on the `net. They put my face on the `net. We’ve changed regimes, but it don’t seem to make no difference yet, ma. They put my face on the `net.
They made me read the Koran, man. They made me read the Koran. But I crossed my fingers and bit my tongue And cursed the name Allah, ma, So now I’m buried in dung.
Oh, look what they done to my head, ma. Look what they done to my head. Well, they tied it up in a plastic bag before I was even dead, ma. Look what they done to my head.
One days these Muslims will pay, ma One day these Arabs will pay. They’ll pay in blood and burning flesh for what they done today, ma. One day these scumbags will pay.
Oh, look what they done to your son, ma. Look what they done to your son. Well, they slaughtered me and martyred me And now my song is done, ma Look what they done: now I’m gone.
Segment originally aired Dec. 23, 2004, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
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(I’M HAVING A) GAY CHRISTMAS
by Peter Fitzgerald (as transcribed by David Lefkowitz)
Oh oh oh!
I’m having a gay Christmas, just my lover and me We’ve got a goose in the oven, and vibrating novelties on the tree. I’m having a gay Christmas! Makes me feel so young. The lights are glowing, the wind is blowing, And the stockings are well-hung.
I’m having a gay Christmas, carolers at the door Each one gets a flavored condom If I can put it on `em, I give `em one more I’m having a gay Christmas, shouting Ho Ho Ho! I sing and dance and unzip my pants Underneath the mistletoe.
Now, too many people are too uptight, And they miss the beauty of a silent night But ask my partner, that’s not how I am When I poke his long, and he smokes my ham.
I’m having a sissy Christmas, full of yuletide cheer I’m greasin’ up my chimney `cause between you and me, Santa’s queer! He’s a bringing a load of presents I’m gonna wear them all And if candy canes leave sticky stains, I’ll return them at the mall.
Now Christmas is a wonderful word The sexiest word I’ve ever heard. It starts with Christ, and ends in ass, And “mm” in between for a great big mass!
I’m having a gay Christmas, just like Jesus did The thought of him kissing Judas makes me want to molest a kid (no!) I’m having a gay Christmas, eggnog by the fire I wax my thighs and fantasize About the Vienna Boys Choir.
Now Christmas is a time of joy For every girl and, especially, boy. And on December 24th, Santa’s pole points north, north, north!
I’m having a gay Christmas, yule log on the tube I’m making my special icing, and basting the goose with k.y. lube I’m having a gay Christmas, fruitcakes filled with rum I shake and bake until I make all ye faithful cum!
A ballad not-so-loosely based on the Mepham High School sodomy trial on Long Island.
Song aired Jan. 19, 2004, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
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THE RECTUM OF EDMUND FITZGERALD
by David Lefkowitz
The story did play on News 12 and Newsday and it filled up the old Nassau Herald How kids from the school were so vicious and cruel To the rectum of Edmund Fitzgerald.
The town of Bellmore lies upon the South Shore On an affluent part of Long Island They pay a high tax just to keep out the blacks In the hopes that their kids won’t grow violent.
Now, one such young boy was his mom’s pride and joy Such a virile and athletic laddie Like others his age, he thought sports the rage And he tried to be just like his daddy.
It felt like a dream when young Ed made the team As a junior varsity halfback But some other players gave him arrogant stares He became their continual laughtrack.
He played right along, and he tried to be strong To show he had no trepidation It gave him the creeps, but these were his peeps And he longed for the team’s validation.
He managed all right until one summer night When the team went to north Pennsylvania As silent as monks, they all rose from their bunks as if gripped by a furious mania.
With nary a sound and no coaches around The older kids pummeled the juvies They guarded the door while the boys licked the floor And then squealed like the guy in the movies.
Although that hurt some, there were worse things to come When the new guys were forced to get naked The quarterback grinned, “Let the hazing begin! If you wanna be one of us, take it!”
The torture began all according to plan With a rhythm like boom-chika-boom-chik “You better not howl, or we’ll puncture your bowel With the rubberized end of a broomstick.”
When that part was fun, they continued the fun Of pine cone and golf ball inserting. The cavities dripped as the soft tissue ripped And the feces and blood began spurting.
The victims were warned they’d be punished and scorned If they told any parents or teachers. But by the next game, they were still hurt and shamed You could see the red stains from the bleachers.
The season was stopped and the scholarships dropped And the town became crazed and divided A few sent regrets, the others—death threats Till lawyers and cops were provided.
The rumors did spread from Rosedale to Riverhead How a team went from scrimmage to Sodom And poor Edmund cried when a splinter was pried From the extra-large width of his bottom.
So now there’s a judge who will go through the sludge Of how innocent boys were imperiled. The legend will spread like the legs of poor Ed and the rectum of Edmund Fitzgerald. The rectum of Edmund Fitzgerald.
A holiday ditty based on the true story of a woman who disposed of her unwanted infant in a not-so-Christmassy way.
Song aired Dec. 8, 2003, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
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Dave sings a Mother’s Day tribute to moms, acronymically.
Song aired May 11, 2003, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
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M-O-T-H-E-R
by David Lefkowitz
M is for the Miracle of birth O is for the Ovum growing free T is for the Trouble that I caused her H is for the Hysterectomy (six months later) E is for Episiotomy scars R is for three months in the Recovery Room
Put them all together they spell “MOTHER” The only girl to want me in her womb.
Dave unearths a patriotic war song from the not-so-good-old days.
Segment originally aired May 3, 2003, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
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CAPTAIN LIFLANDER’S MADRIGAL
Oh, Americans crave a tranquil life We just want to live in peace But the planet gives us war and strife And it does not seem to cease
So we send our soldiers overseas To protect our global plan To bring our enemies to their knees We’ll fight to the very last man.
With a row-dow, row-diddle dow, With a row-dow diddle-aye dan.
If Saddam Hussein wants to bitch and complain And to hide his poison gas We’ll bomb his fields And shall not yield Till we kick some towelhead ass.
After that, look out Afghanistan `Cause we’re coming back for more For we bombed a slew of civilians there No one cares if we kill a few more.
With a row-dow, row-diddle dow, With a row-dow diddle-aye dor.
All this fear and fright from the Yemenites Is a game we will not play We will torture and kill each terrorist – Where the hell is Yemen anyway?
And if Saudi Arabia doesn’t toe the line We can bomb their palaces, too And we’ll pick that Black Hawk up again From the streets of Mogadishu.
With a row-dow, row-diddle dow, With a row-dow diddle-aye doo.
To fight fundamentalists in Iran We must aid and strengthen the Kurds Disembowel the Sikhs Those heathen freaks By dropping bombs like turds
Oh, the Hindus and the Pakis, too, They will dance to Yankee jigs For the only way to keep Indians free Is to treat them just like nigs
With a row-dow, row-diddle dow, With a row-dow diddle-aye digs.
We shall go to Northern Ireland To remove hostility We’ll hide strychnine in the Catholics’ ale Cyanide in the Protestants’ tea
If the Russkies dare to pollute our air With threats of nuclear attack We will give those worms Some smallpox germs And the Chechen rebels, anthrax
With a row-dow, row-diddle dow, With a row-dow diddle-aye dax.
If the Chinese hun won’t leave Taiwan We shall push them under the waves We shall strafe them all by the Beijing wall Put fortune cookies on their graves
We shall visit North Korea next And we’ll blast those gooks to hell Maybe this time we can push them back To the 35th Parallel.
With a row-dow, row-diddle dow, With a row-dow diddle-aye dell.
We will stand in the sand of Palestine Show the Yids who’s really boss Blow the head off any Arab kid With a stone he’s planning to toss
Oh, the Ivory Coast will soon be toast When we force Gbagbo to retrench We will give all the rebels Pepsi and Coke Just to thumb our nose at the French
With a row-dow, row-diddle dow, With a row-dow diddle-aye dench.
When I see those hateful pacifist How I loathe to see them whine For they do not know how urgent it is To protect the bottom line
So if some young soldiers have to die For the good old USA Let them blow our enemies to the sky For that’s the American way.
With a row-dow, row-diddle dow, With a row-dow diddle-hooray.
With a row-dow, row-diddle dow, With a row-dow diddle-aye dench.
Rabbi Sol Solomon sings his version of the Passover standard “Dayenu.”
Segment originally aired April 13, 2003, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
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DAYENU 2003
Oh, even if He had been sleeping While six million Jews were slaughtered Even though He watched us tortured, Dayenu. (Dayenu) Day Dayenu, Day Dayenu, Day Dayenu, Dayenu Dayenu
Even if the Muslim putzes Weren’t blowing up our buses Yadda Yadda Intifadeh, Dayenu (Dayenu) We’re all crazy . . . about you Couldn’t live without you Who needs happiness?
Even if there was no Hitler Even if there was no Haman Why so many snippy gay men? Dayenu (Dayenu) We are chosen So we’re coping Still, we’re hoping You’ll choose someone else.
Even if we have big noses Even if we’re prone to hair loss Even if there was no Tay-Sachs, Dayenu (Dayenu) God is looking God is watching God is botching everything He does.
Even when the goyim tease us Even when the gulags freeze us It’s okay, we murdered Jesus, Dayenu (Dayenu)
Day Day Dammit, Day Day Dammit, Day Day Dammit Let’s sing it one more time (why don’t we?) Day Day Dammit, Day Day Dammit, Day Day Dammit And circumcision hurts, oy!
A song of questioning from Rabbi Sol Solomon.
A ballad not-so-loosely based on the Mepham High School sodomy trial on Long Island. 
