Segment originally aired in two parts, Nov. 4, 2007, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full interview with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode
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A landmark film about two men doing manly things. (Featuring guest voice: Jeff Goodman)
Segment aired Jan. 22, 2006, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast.
All content (c)2006 TotalTheater Productions. More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
video file of audio contentclick above to listen (audio only)
HELLHOLE SUBMARINE
(Note: Sung to the melody of Paul McCartney and John Lennon’s “Yellow Submarine”)
In the dacha where I was born lived a man who sailed the sea When I turned 14 years old they gagged and bound and shanghaied me
So we sailed into the sun Till we crashed into a reef Now we sink beneath the waves And we sing in pain and grief: We all die on a stupid submarine stupid submarine stupid submarine We all die on this stupid submarine stupid submarine stupid submarine
All our friends from other ships Won’t get close to us till it’s too late While the whales and fish and sea We completely contaminate
We all die on a stupid submarine stupid submarine stupid submarine We all die on this stupid submarine stupid submarine stupid submarine
Oxygen is running out and our food supply is far from clean As the crew begins to pray: (sounds of labored breathing)
We all die on a stupid submarine stupid submarine stupid submarine
So we blub inside the sub which I wish I had never seen We’re turning blue, we’re peeing green in this hellhole submarine (spoken) Submarine! (coughs)
We all die on this hellhole submarine hellhole submarine stupid submarine Yes, we all die on a hellhole submarine hellhole submarine hellhole submarine (spoken) Just the men! We all die on this hellhole submarine hellhole submarine…
(c)2005 David Lefkowitz
********************************
NOTES & BACKSTORY: [June 2023] This song was created for my radio show, Dave’s Gone By, as part of the recurring News Gone By segment, which poked fun at news and current events. Here’s how I introduced the song on its Aug. 11, 2005 debut. Note that the story is true, the song stuff, not so much:
“Harrowing news from Russia this week where a mini-submarine became trapped in metal debris at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean. The sub got tangled in the wires of an underwater monitoring station, leaving only a few days’ supply of oxygen available to the crew—an eerie echo of the Kursk disaster. Russian authorities kept the accident secret the first day. Then they tried to rescue the sub themselves the next day. They accepted help from England and other nations only as time began running out. Rear Admiral Vladimir Pepelyayev told Russian reporters that the crew were keeping their spirits up as best they could: playing cards, telling stories. In fact, before they were miraculously rescued, they actually were able to transmit, by Morse Code, the words and music to a song one of the sailors wrote about the situation. I happen to have it here. In tribute to that brave and saved crew of the AS-28, I’m gonna sing it now. I think it shows their resilience, their spunk, and their hilarious misery.”
This segment first aired Jan. 20, 2005 as part of the “News Gone By” segment of the “Dave’s Gone By” program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz. Full episodes also available on youtube, Facebook (davesgoneby), Spotify, and on DavesGoneBy.com.
All content (c)2005 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
SWIMAWAY
(Lyrics: David Lefkowitz. Music: Solomon Linda’s “Mbube,” The Weavers’s “Wimoweh,” and The Tokens’s “The Lion Sleeps Tonight”)
Indonesia, in Indonesia the water sweeps tonight
Southern Thailand is now bye-bye land
The water sweeps tonight
Swimaway swimaway swimaway swimaway
Swimaway swimaway swimaway swimaway
In Malaysia and Southeast Asia
They cry and weep all night
Terra firma no more in Burma
The water sweeps tonight
Grab a rock, grab a bush
Scale a wall, save your tush
Grab your wife, grab your kid Ride a whale, ride a squid
Trees
Climb `em please or you will swim away
If you sneeze, leave your keys
`cause you will swim away
First you bloat, then you sink
Then you float, then you stink
First you bloat, then you sink
Then you float, then you stink
Sharks are noshing on bodies washing onto the sticky sand
They beg the West to help find the rest
But when did they lend us a hand?
Up the stairs, don’t delay
Say your prayers, wash away
Hear the screams, hear the moans
Say hello to Davy Jones
Squeeze a brick wall, please
Until it tumbles down
By degrees, bowel disease will get those who don’t drown
Hear the gunshots, the rebel gunshots
As mourners dig mass graves
(Everybody!)
Devastation means exploitation
That’s just how men behave
Politics, dirty tricks
Profiteers, bandoliers
Angry fists, terrorists
Blood and fire, mud and mire
Swimaway Swimaway
Gotta be a better way
Swimaway Swimaway
Gotta be a better way.
(mix trilling with gasping and gurgling, and then)
Segment originally aired Nov. 4, 2004, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode.
All content (c)2004 TotalTheater Productions. More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
MAKIN’ POOPIES
by David Lefkowitz
Another seat, another bowl Another log comes out my hole It’s really pleasin’ when I’m a-squeezin’ And makin’ poopies.
I pull my shorts below my rump I read the sports and take a dump It’s brown and shiny straight from the hiney That’s makin’ poopies.
Sometimes I sit for ages waiting so patiently. Though my intestine rages, nuggets are all I see.
I eat some bran and have some juice Run to the can and shake it loose I wipe my tushie when it gets mooshy From makin’ poopies.
My little rectum, it does the job Be it a hot dog or just a blob It’s such a passion to feel the splashin’ Of makin’ poopies.
I grit my teeth and hug my gut while underneath I hear a “splut” It always happens with all my crappin’s I’m makin’ poopies.
One day my gut got swollen, I chalked it up to gas. But when I touched my colon, Blood shot out of my ass.
Now I feel woe, and it’s a drag `cause when I go, it’s in a bag I miss the odors of all the floaters When making poopies.
So listen here, I recommend That once a year, check your rear end. Just find a docto’ to do a procto He’ll stick a finga up your gazinga You’ll scream and yelp, but it may help in makin’ poopies.
click above to listen click above to listen (audio only)
With Muslim terrorists now staging decapitations for video, let’s imagine a song to go with them.
Segment originally aired June 24, 2004, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode.
All content (c)2004 TotalTheater Productions. More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
LOOK WHAT THEY DONE TO MY HEAD, MA
by David Lefkowitz
Look what they done to my head, ma. Look what they done to my head. Well, they hacked it off with a giant sword And left me lying dead, ma. Look what they done to my head.
They put my face on the `net. They put my face on the `net. We’ve changed regimes, but it don’t seem to make no difference yet, ma. They put my face on the `net.
They made me read the Koran, man. They made me read the Koran. But I crossed my fingers and bit my tongue And cursed the name Allah, ma, So now I’m buried in dung.
Oh, look what they done to my head, ma. Look what they done to my head. Well, they tied it up in a plastic bag before I was even dead, ma. Look what they done to my head.
One days these Muslims will pay, ma One day these Arabs will pay. They’ll pay in blood and burning flesh for what they done today, ma. One day these scumbags will pay.
Oh, look what they done to your son, ma. Look what they done to your son. Well, they slaughtered me and martyred me And now my song is done, ma Look what they done: now I’m gone.
Everyone’s welcome in Mr. Rogers’s neighborhood…except you.
This segment first aired March 15, 2004 on the “Dave’s Gone By” program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz. Full episodes also available on youtube, Facebook (davesgoneby), Spotify, and on DavesGoneBy.com.
All content (c)2004 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
MANY WAYS
(Lyrics: David Lefkowitz. Music: “Many Ways to Say I Love You” by Fred Rogers)
There are many ways to say, “*%$@ you.”
There are many ways to say, Go *%$@ yourself.”
Like “burn in hell!”
Like, “take a flying leap!”
Or, “I’d love to see your whole family in a flaming train accident and piled up in a heap!”
There are many ways to say, “*%$@ you…and your ugly children.”
There are many ways to say, “eat #($@ and die,”
Like, “up yours, buddy!”
Or, “kiss my ass!”
Or, “it would be worth it to die in Auschwitz if I could just see you gassed.”
So many ways to express hate
So many ways, isn’t that great?
We don’t have to blaspheme or curse
To wish a person illness and worse
There are many ways to say, “I could %$@ing hurt you.”
There are many ways to call you a mother%$@ piece of #($@.”
Like, “choke on your own blood!”
Or, “Drop dead, you jerk!”
Or, “I hope an AIDS victim bites you and the chemo doesn’t work.”
A ballad not-so-loosely based on the Mepham High School sodomy trial on Long Island.
Song aired Jan. 19, 2004, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode
All content (c)2004 TotalTheater Productions. More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
THE RECTUM OF EDMUND FITZGERALD
by David Lefkowitz
The story did play on News 12 and Newsday and it filled up the old Nassau Herald How kids from the school were so vicious and cruel To the rectum of Edmund Fitzgerald.
The town of Bellmore lies upon the South Shore On an affluent part of Long Island They pay a high tax just to keep out the blacks In the hopes that their kids won’t grow violent.
Now, one such young boy was his mom’s pride and joy Such a virile and athletic laddie Like others his age, he thought sports the rage And he tried to be just like his daddy.
It felt like a dream when young Ed made the team As a junior varsity halfback But some other players gave him arrogant stares He became their continual laughtrack.
He played right along, and he tried to be strong To show he had no trepidation It gave him the creeps, but these were his peeps And he longed for the team’s validation.
He managed all right until one summer night When the team went to north Pennsylvania As silent as monks, they all rose from their bunks as if gripped by a furious mania.
With nary a sound and no coaches around The older kids pummeled the juvies They guarded the door while the boys licked the floor And then squealed like the guy in the movies.
Although that hurt some, there were worse things to come When the new guys were forced to get naked The quarterback grinned, “Let the hazing begin! If you wanna be one of us, take it!”
The torture began all according to plan With a rhythm like boom-chika-boom-chik “You better not howl, or we’ll puncture your bowel With the rubberized end of a broomstick.”
When that part was fun, they continued the fun Of pine cone and golf ball inserting. The cavities dripped as the soft tissue ripped And the feces and blood began spurting.
The victims were warned they’d be punished and scorned If they told any parents or teachers. But by the next game, they were still hurt and shamed You could see the red stains from the bleachers.
The season was stopped and the scholarships dropped And the town became crazed and divided A few sent regrets, the others—death threats Till lawyers and cops were provided.
The rumors did spread from Rosedale to Riverhead How a team went from scrimmage to Sodom And poor Edmund cried when a splinter was pried From the extra-large width of his bottom.
So now there’s a judge who will go through the sludge Of how innocent boys were imperiled. The legend will spread like the legs of poor Ed and the rectum of Edmund Fitzgerald. The rectum of Edmund Fitzgerald.
A holiday ditty based on the true story of a woman who disposed of her unwanted infant in a not-so-Christmassy way.
Song aired Dec. 8, 2003, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode.
All content (c)2003 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
(c)2003 David Lefkowitz.
IT’S A STIFF
Lyrics: David Lefkowitz. Music: Jule Styne’s “Let it Snow”)
Rabbi Sol Solomon sings his crabby holiday classic, “The Twelve Complaints of Christmas.”
Segment originally aired Dec. 22, 2002, as part of the “Dave’s Gone By” radio program hosted by Dave Lefkowitz.
Please Note: Segments extracted from “Dave’s Gone By” may have music and other elements removed for timing and media re-posting considerations. For the full show with all elements, please visit the audio of the complete original broadcast: Full Episode.
All content (c)2002 TotalTheater Productions.
More information on Dave’s Gone By: http://www.davesgoneby.com
A ballad not-so-loosely based on the Mepham High School sodomy trial on Long Island. 
